GITMA - At this point, I don't think that I am "stick a fork in it done" but am getting closer.
Smartcookie posted something today that struck a very deep chord for me. Her post from the prospective of a WAW was hurtful for me to read as I never really understood my WAH’s pain until now. Yes, men and women are different, but I feel that WAS still hurt in the same way regardless of the gender. I have acknowledged H is/was in pain, but never fully understood. I used Smartcookie’s post to compose what I think is my H’s story. My intent was to give H this story as a sort of peace offering. It is my way of letting him know that I now comprehend to some degree his point of view. Based on my backsliding the last couple of days, I have decided to post this here before doing anything else.
So here it goes. I hope I haven’t infringed on any of Smartcookie’s copyrights.
Once upon a time, not so long ago, a man lay in bed wondering who he was and how he had gotten to this point. He is desperately unhappy and in a fog. He needed so much more from her. He tried in his own way to fix things, but the effort was to no avail. Two people co-existing. He couldn’t talk to her. She was too self absorbed. She seemed content to focus solely on the kids, work, and managing the house.
He stumbled through his days, crossing them off in the calendar. Wondering how much longer he could live this way. Did she not see his unhappiness? He wondered; are the kids better off with single happy parents, or with two parents that co-exist? The torment was eating him alive. What to do?
By now, he wasn’t sleeping; wasn’t eating. He was slowly dying inside. He desperately wanted, needed to be loved, appreciated, and noticed. He wanted it to be over; he wanted the pain to stop. Every time he looked at his wife, it reminded him of the pain; the pain that was consuming him. He placed his heart in a box and vowed never to take it out for her again.
She has finally noticed. There was pain for her too. He says that he is done. I will always love you he says. But I will never be in love with you again. Now she is fully awake and out of her fog. She is scared. She had no idea how bad he hurt. She thought things could be fixed. For him it came down to two choices. Stay in an unhappy marriage or start the process of ending it. He moved out and she woke up. He didn’t care. It was too late. He was numb.
She says she’ll change; she’ll do anything to try and work things out. He doesn’t believe her. People don’t change. And if they do, there is no guarantee the changes will last. He is numb. His heart is safely in that box. She tries, he watched. She tries some more, she hopes that he is watching. She is dying now. He is numb. Now she wants the pain to stop. He is numb. He wonders why things had to go this far before she would hear him. Now he doesn’t want to talk to her. He is numb. Talking to her reminds him of how much he used to hurt. At least he doesn’t hurt now. He’s numb.
She tries some more, he can see she is making changes. He is so scared to take his heart out of that dusty box. Numb is so much safer. Does she know how hard it is for him? Sometimes she tries to push him. He’s doing his best. She wants more from him at times. He can’t bring himself to give more. He’s doing his best. He is numb.
Me & H: 33 yrs S: 4 & 6 D: 2 M: 9 yrs ILYBNILWY: 8/09 SEPARATED: 9/09 The Beginning
What GIMA said. Sometimes, there is just too much left unspoken even after your fingers are worn to the bone from typing anyway. Speaking for myself, that's why I hang around here at times, you read flashes of your own life in others.
As for what smartcookie posted, deja vu again. Sounds like something I went through for the first 3 paras. Erect the barriers so that life goes on, and you don't rock the boat though you may be unhappy. Difference is that W felt the barriers, started putting up some too, was also unhappy. And ended up plunging into a fantasy with OM.
Dealing with that resentment (which is entirely separate from the actual A itself) has been one of the most difficult things I ever attempted.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
Mo3 - I'm new to your thread, but I must say those paragraphs hit a big chord with me, whether they were mutated from someone else or not. Thanks for the perspective. In my impatience, I forget that numbness is the way for my H to protect himself from pain.
this perspective will increase my compassion - so thank you.
Get! How was Christmas?? You have little ones! Were they excited for Santa??? We only have one left who believes, and he was testing his belief this year...
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Christmas wasn't what I had hoped. The weather put a big snag on things. Oh well. What can you do?
We were supposed to leave yesterday morning to see my family (4 hour drive). Can't really do that when all the roads are closed. Well at least Santa made it through the storm. We don't usually get a lot of snow here, mostly rain and ice. And when it does snow, it is usually gone within a day or two. We have a foot on the ground now and it is still snowing. I have scooped the drive way three times now. If that d$mn snowplow comes by one more time and blocks the drive again...#$#@%#$.
Opening gifts with the kids was fun. Although it just wasn't the same without H here. I have been thinking about him more than I probably should. So after opeing gifts with the kids my oldests, S6, says. Is that it? I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Spoiled rotten he is.
Just heard the snowplow go by....I am so tired of being stuck in the house with three kids who have had enough quality bonding time together. Hopefully the wind will die down enough so that we can at least go out and build a snowman or something.
Don't mind me. Just complaining. I hope everyone had a good Christmas.
Me & H: 33 yrs S: 4 & 6 D: 2 M: 9 yrs ILYBNILWY: 8/09 SEPARATED: 9/09 The Beginning
Don't apologize for venting some emotion. This place is great for that. I hope the wind dies down so you can get yourself and the kids out of the house.
"Once upon a time, not so long ago, a man lay in bed wondering who he was and how he had gotten to this point. He is desperately unhappy and in a fog. He needed so much more from her. He tried in his own way to fix things, but the effort was to no avail. Two people co-existing. He couldn’t talk to her. She was too self absorbed. She seemed content to focus solely on the kids, work, and managing the house. "
MO3, I hope you are doing OK & able to get the kids out of the house! Thank you for this post. It has hit such a nerve I'm going to post to my own thread. Understanding the WAS motives & perspective I'm sure is key to the LBS' healing, but is also at least for me, one of the most difficult parts of this journey. Was I really that blind or did I need to be a mind reader? The answer for me is probably somewhere in between.
I hope it stops snowing where you are & your kids can play outside soon! Peace to you in the new year!
