Looking for Advice

[gutwrenching]

Sandi
Thank you for the blunt words. I need that, I know I need that. For some reason, I haven't yet allowed it to sink in that it might be all over, I'm not sure why. Please allow me to fill in the blanks and answer your questions.

you need to find a quite place just for you so you can come to terms about some things.

This is tough. We live an extremely busy life, people we work with don't know how we pull it off, I wonder at times myself, plus Christmas...

Boudary: I told her she had to stop all contact with OM otherwise she would have to move out. I told her I didn't have the affair, I'm not going anywhere, you will move out. I re-itereated last night when she told that she had talked to OM and was stopping all contact all together. I told her again that if she didn't stop everything that I would contact the OM's W. This pissed her off again. When you ask "was it just to drop the OM"...not sure what else you are saying I need to do. yes I've read a lot about the WAW and I even showed it to my wife at some point in the past, possibly a mistake, don't know. She agreed that is what happened.

I do understand and fear they will just go deeper undercover. I've been trying to figure out what will be the warning signs and how I can keep tabs on that. She won't use her iphone again, she wouldn't be that dumb. She could always buy a tracphone again, she has admitted to doing that once already. There is work e-mail that is easy to delete before I could possibly see it. Setting up another e-mail account is just too easy these days. I am computer savvy, more than she is. I know there is software I can get that will track every key stroke if it comes to me feeling I need to do that, provided I can get to the computer in order to do that. She claims I can look at her computer anytime I want.

I think she will start to make preparations to leave immediately after Christmas, so you need to take action to protect you and your children

This one would shock me, but I wouldn't stop her. It would hurt, but I would let it go. If she leaves, then her career reputation is essentially trashed. I think the only reason we are still in the same house is to keep up the front of a happy couple. She knows that if she leaves, I start telling people why she is out. Lets just say she is in a position where that kind of infidelity and that lack of integrity would be a career killer. In the past I would say she would never leave our children, but the woman in my house right now, she just might. Do you think she might try to take the kids too? Uproot them from the school, nanny, routines, they have right now? She can forget me letting her do that.
What other actions should I take to prepare for her leaving right after Christmas?

if she is addicted to those chemical that her body is pouring into her brain....she will be like a drug addict trying to find what she needs

How does one ever get past those chemicals? OBTW, I would say she has an addictive personality, so that just re-emphasizes what you are saying. I don' t think it would be finding someone else, she doesn't have time in the day for that, I would think it would be going deeper undercover and continuing the EA she has now.

Sadly, you canot rescue her. It may break your heart

I does break my heart. I won't lie about that.

She will be thinking of survival, and that's all

I'll have to see what I can do. I handle all of the finances. She is deathly afraid of the financial side. She even told me early on in this saga that the one bit of power I had over her was money, because she is so afraid of that (this of course before i gained power exposing the EA). There is little to nothing either of us have that is personal. Everythign is joint, including the cell phone account (which is how I have access...it is in her name, so she can always cut me out, I'm waiting for that and that will be a sign that the EA continues). most of our savings are tied up in things that she could simply not cash out. I can protect the rest, will take care of that today or tonight.

Of course, how will you know if she opens a secret email account?

I told her the same thing last night. In fact, I know she has one, and I can't get into it, and she looked down when I mentioned something about setting up e-mails. I didn't tell her I knew about her secret account, because then she would just open another one. You can't stop that these days. Prepaid phones...she already knows that trick. She accused me of snooping thru her car and finding the book to it that was in her purse. That is BS and I told her so. That book ended up on a kitchen counter probably because of the kids. She admitted last night she had bought that phone to talk to OM.

but what you want to enforce is that she will not take you for some dope who will let her be so carefree and open that she doesn't even bother to cover it up. You may not be able to control what she does when she is away from you, but while in your home and in your presence.....she needs to show you respect

I think she gets that. That is what I told her when I confronted, that I couldn't take her being so secretive and almost flaunting it in-front of me. That's the whole reason I didn't wait till after Xmas, cause I couldn't take her flaunting the texting that was happening between them on Sunday, mundane or not. I really wish I could have waited till after Xmas, but it is what it is now.

B/c I see a lot of what seems to be a lack of self-respect from you and you won't be getting it from her until you have it for yourself.

Yes you are probably right. I need to work on this. I was doing better for a while and then fell backwards again.

so stop acting like a pitiful LBH who is looking at his W and wondering why she hasn't come around already, b/c it will be a long time. (If that is what you're doing.)

Yes this is what I have been doing.

That is another boundary that needs to be put in place. If she stays, then she needs to have everything transparent for you to look at anytime you wish.

She claims I have free access to her computer, phone, etc. Question: should I openly let her see that I am checking? I didn't last night, it wouldn't have done any good. She would have covered her tracks last night and she told me she talked to OM for about 45 minutes to end the affair.

Draw up your toes b/c this will hurt to hear what I'm saying. Stop expecting her to want to put forth effort in this M she wants to leave. I mean, stop expecting it right now b/c she has to get over OM. My H did the same thing and kept saying how he wanted me to say the words that I would put put everything into working on our R. Well, I felt that I was the one who had always done that and was burned out. It was all I could do just to be willing to "stay". It took me a long time.....and it will take your W a long time before she feels the desire to work at a R with you. However, that is not to say she cannot put for the decision to stay in the house and to show you respect as her H. I did do that, and she can too.

You described me perfectly here. I need to read this over and over.

have noticed a couple of places you refer to a comment she made about your changes. In the last post, it sounded like she was using the old switcheroo and putting the blame on you and making you feel guilty. She doesn't like some of your new changes, huh? Bet you don't like hers either. Do no allow her to shine the light on what you've done bad when it is about her. Yes, it took both of you to get to this place, but she had the EA and she needs to be remorseful about it. Not about getting caught......sorry about having an EA. That will take her some time to get there, also. You will discover that she will have several baby-steps that she has to make b/c it doesn't all happen in a few weeks or even months. Can you hang in there for the long haul?

She has tried the switcheroo a couple of times. Sometimes I handled it better than others. She tried it last night and I was prepared and told her I understand that my actions in the past helped her get to this place, but that I didn't cross the line and have an affair, she did. She should have told me she was ready to walk, not go have an affair. She then actually admitted that yes she screwed up, she went to far, she crossed the line. Other times in the past, the switcheroo worked a little on me and made me feel guilty for getting her to this point. She pushed a little more last night and said that I was so disntant for so long that she reached out to someone and doesn't know if she can reach out to me again. I basically said I understand, and I have changed, I have changed for me and hopefully for her in the future but that was up to her. i told her I can't change the past and I can't dwell on the past, I've only got today and the future that I can affect.

You will discover that she will have several baby-steps that she has to make b/c it doesn't all happen in a few weeks or even months. Can you hang in there for the long haul?

Baby steps keep me going. If I can see baby steps, I can hang in for the long haul. Just last night hearing her finally admit she had an affair and that she had crossed the line was enough to motivate me for a couple of more days. The night prior was all rationalization and projection onto me.

Other than all that, not much has changed since my last post. We had a cordial but cold evening together doing Christmas cards. She invited me...she was doing them and said who else would you like to send a card too. I sure as hell wasn't going to have her write the cards to people I wanted, so I sat down and took care of them and then she brought up a couple of more mutual people and we took care of that. This morning, same ole, same ole, bitter/nasty/pissy. Whatever. It is so childish. I said good morning, she grunted at me. When I left I nicely said goodbye and got a cold bye in return.
Thank you, thank you so much for your time and straight forward approach with me