Quote: Maybe you don't have to "agree" with EVERYTHING he says, but trying the 180 of not "defending yourself" might be worth a shot?
I defend myself way too much and I guess he sees that as my not wanting to be wrong or admiting that I'm at fault in the marriage. Maybe I'm just saying it wrong but I do admit my faults. I do admit when I'm wrong and apologize. I must not be validating enough. How do I do validate the statement "we never had anything but money and sex"?
Quote: What would be at least one thing that, even though you might not "agree" with him on, you might be able to say that you can understand why he might feel that way?
I can understand what he means when he says that our marriage was only about money and sex. It was lonely and it did feel like that to me too. We were just not clear on what else we wanted in our marriage to be happy. I try to get him to see that we should expand on what we have now...going out having fun, talking more. When he says ugly stuff, I say yes that is how I saw it too and then try to bring him around to the changes we've made so far and how we can continue those positives. But he's not willing right now to go there.
Quote: When you've been less defensive about things in the past, what kinds of positive differences has this made in how he feels your discussions have gone?
When I'm less defensive, he definitely feels listened to and ok to share his true feelings. It's hard though to sit there and listen to so much negativity. After about 15 minutes of all my awful traits being listed, I call a halt and ask well what is your solution to the problem or what can I do different? He says leave me alone or give me the divorce are his solutions to the problems. He withdraws rather than try to fix the problem. I continue to try to change as best I can but run into the wall of his unclear expectations and conditions of what he's willing to do. It's frustrating because I think I'm doing well then slam into the surprise of Ah, Ah you messed up because I didn't tell you I didn't like that!!!
So now I'm resorting to treating him like I want to be treated...trying to be his friend, leaving encouraging messages, applauding the changes I'm seeing, staying away from R talks and if we do have R talks keeping it light and breaking off when he gets mad or appears to be upset. I ACT AS IF but he's real withdrawn so far. We slept together Monday night but he says now that won't be happening again. And so now I'm left in a quandry about where to go with this. He sends lots of mixed signals so I'm unsure as to withdraw or pursue! he's definitly said no more talks about us so I won't go there. The rest of what I'm able to do remains unclear. I know that he's mad but still acts like he wants me to ask him out. Confusing?
