Yesterday he came home and we went to dinner and shopping. We had some burrs and sushi at this cool place we go to in the mall. We sat there and talked. He was in a good mood but we ended up talking for just a couple mins bout R. He was the one who brought it up.
Typical "I'm not happy" stuff and how he was "trying." When we were done he says, "that was a fun dinner huh?" (i didn't think so lol) cuz of the unhappy speech. We parted ways to shop for each other and he stopped to kiss me and I said, ILY and he looked at me...I said, "uh you aren't gonna say it back?" (Luv knows this was a no no!) but it felt ok at the time. He responds, "I'll always love you."
I do have to tell you. He does threaten me by saying stuff like "you better watch yourself" (very insulting to me) or he'll say, "you be nice or that's it for you." I find these threats very hurtful and demeaning.
We came home and sat down on the couch and our usual chat for a bit before bed. I do have to say he's been more communicative these last couple days. I don't know guys...what should I do now? Should I start avoiding him and do my own thing? I want him to feel a sense of loss...like I do. He has completely taken me for granted!
He's the kind that if I ignore him he gets very offended. How do I detach when he seems to be opening up a little more? HELP
Last edited by luvless; 12/22/0903:04 PM.
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
THE FACT THAT HE IS TRYING (which I've seen all along) is a MAJOR FACT.
Perhaps its time you took him aside and said to him: "H, I'm trying too. It seems we're both trying in the wrong ways. How can we correct this?"
Then open your ears and LISTEN without trying to defend yourself. Take out a peace of paper and split it into two columns. Tell him, "Let's see where we are going wrong here, OK? How are you trying?" -- then write down everything he says in his column without judging him. Hand over the pen and paper to him and share with him how you are trying. Then take each point and dissect it. Share with him how each thing is trying is not working and offer an alternative to it. And you do the same.
NO ANGER, NO HURT, NO RESENTMENT. Talk like two adults.
Luv... Thank your lucky stars he will, at LEAST, communicate a bit. Seriously, it is far worse to have everything shoved under a rug, and be expected to happy "as is."
You're making progress. Remember ST's input re: men's version of trying different than ours? That's key.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Typical "I'm not happy" stuff and how he was "trying." When we were done he says, "that was a fun dinner huh?" (i didn't think so lol) cuz of the unhappy speech.
Yup, because as soon as you heard "unhappy" you switched off.
Originally Posted By: luvless
He does threaten me by saying stuff like "you better watch yourself" (very insulting to me) or he'll say, "you be nice or that's it for you." I find these threats very hurtful and demeaning.
He's telling you how he wants to be treated here. He is signaling that he is also almost at the end of his rope. He's trying and nothing seems to be getting through to you. SOMETHNG'S GOTTA GIVE HERE... and that something is you. Soften up my dear. I think you may still have a chance to resurrect this M. It won't be easy and unfortunately the first one that is going to have to change is you.
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I do have to say he's been more communicative these last couple days.
And you thought "His Needs, Her Needs" had no effect?
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I don't know guys...what should I do now? Should I start avoiding him and do my own thing? I want him to feel a sense of loss...like I do. He has completely taken me for granted!
He's the kind that if I ignore him he gets very offended. How do I detach when he seems to be opening up a little more?
In my opinion I think your trying to detach is VERY DETRIMENTAL. Contrary to DB'ing principles, now is the time for you to CONNECT with him. Luv, do you know what I see? I see you as the WAW... only difference is that your H is not going to do the LBS stuff. Your H has not walked away yet, but you have switched off.
Typical "I'm not happy" stuff and how he was "trying." When we were done he says, "that was a fun dinner huh?" (i didn't think so lol) cuz of the unhappy speech.
Yup, because as soon as you heard "unhappy" you switched off.
Yes...I guess I did. It's hard taking that sucker punch.
Originally Posted By: luvless
He does threaten me by saying stuff like "you better watch yourself" (very insulting to me) or he'll say, "you be nice or that's it for you." I find these threats very hurtful and demeaning.
He's telling you how he wants to be treated here. He is signaling that he is also almost at the end of his rope. He's trying and nothing seems to be getting through to you. SOMETHNG'S GOTTA GIVE HERE... and that something is you. Soften up my dear. I think you may still have a chance to resurrect this M. It won't be easy and unfortunately the first one that is going to have to change is you.
I know. I want him to rescue ME but as usual - I will have to be the better person and do the right thing. It's always me.
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I do have to say he's been more communicative these last couple days.
And you thought "His Needs, Her Needs" had no effect?
I wonder if it did...I think maybe that talk at the friends house got him thinking too.
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I don't know guys...what should I do now? Should I start avoiding him and do my own thing? I want him to feel a sense of loss...like I do. He has completely taken me for granted!
He's the kind that if I ignore him he gets very offended. How do I detach when he seems to be opening up a little more?
In my opinion I think your trying to detach is VERY DETRIMENTAL. Contrary to DB'ing principles, now is the time for you to CONNECT with him. Luv, do you know what I see? I see you as the WAW... only difference is that your H is not going to do the LBS stuff. Your H has not walked away yet, but you have switched off.
BEST thing you've said - You are amazing at getting me G...amazing! (this is for the last quote above)
Last edited by luvless; 12/22/0903:22 PM.
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
Are you going to change? Are you prepared to withdraw your army of resentment? Are you willing to make an effort to COMMUNICATE with your H? Are you capable of trying to see things from his perspective?
