it's a parallel reality - but not like the WAS fog I think.
:P
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
I'm not in the DB FB group, but you're more than welcome to gmail me (hint, hint) if you want to talk off the boards.
Sorry, I've been busy doing Christmas cards all day (yes, I know it's the 21st!) and this is the first time I've been able to check the boards. But now it's bed time and BF is calling. I'll check back in with you tomorrow.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
I'm not in the DB FB group, but you're more than welcome to gmail me (hint, hint) if you want to talk off the boards.
Sorry, I've been busy doing Christmas cards all day (yes, I know it's the 21st!) and this is the first time I've been able to check the boards. But now it's bed time and BF is calling. I'll check back in with you tomorrow.
I didn't even do cards this year and I don't care! If anyone has a problem with that... they can deal with it. LOL that is a 180 for me. But, truly, with everything I've been through in the last few months, I am lucky if I even get my kids' presents on the tree... still working on that one.
Well, Pearl.. I just might do that.... Hope you had a good night!
wtg rocked. Must have felt good seeing those flames.
And thanks for all your support you have given me recently.
Hehehe... Maple, you have no idea! I have not felt that empowered in a long time. I am still basking in it this morning.
And, you are welcome.. I'll have to stop by your thread again and see how things are going. I know that there were some people who were a life line to me when I was at the stage of things you are, so I am more than happy to give back what little bit I have...
Sorry, Rocked, I feel like I'm always writing novels on your thread! Just trying to help.
First off, last year I just sent cards to my family and friends, no newsletter or notes. I did it because I love sending out cards and I didn't want BF to take that from me too. So if you don't feel like doing them, don't bother!
I highly recommend those books. I seriously wouldn't have gotten through this without them. Even if your H isn't willing to read them or do the exercies they would be invaluable to you. NJF explores what each person goes through, the cheater, the cheatee, and the OP. The ATA exercises explore issues that you may have never discussed before and never realized how they affect your R.
I think a specific transparency plan is a necessity. It's about establishing your boundaries and the consequences for breaking them. If your H says he wants to work on the M then he should have no problem with it. If he balks then he's hiding something. Yes, he may be a private person but he forfeited that privilege and has to earn it back. Make him work for it. If you don't, you may always be wondering what he's up to and that's no way to live.
Regarding the pursuing, you're right that it's different in piecing than actively DBing. But I don't think it's good to abruptly stop one and start the other. Of course it's good to show your H that he's a priority in your life but don't go overboard. Remember that you still need to work on loving detachment and that you are responsible for your happiness and no one else's. There is a balance to strive for. I am dealing with the same issues. I sometimes wonder if I should make plans based on BF's schedule or just continue to do my own thing. If it's something I think he may be interested in then I invite him. If he declines I go anyway by myself. And I have gotten way better at not letting BF's moods throw me off. I can tell when he's pissy but not saying anything. Now I choose to ignore it and keep doing what I'm doing because he knows that he needs to speak up and ask for what he wants.
Yep, being the mature one sucks big time. It's not fair. But it's what you sign on for when you decide to work on it. Sigh. And believe me, I resent the hell out of it too.
Sometimes I think that this whole piecing process is too hard for me and I'm not 100% convinced that we will make it through this. But I haven't reached my breaking point yet so I keep plugging along.
You're doing great, just don't lose any of that personal growth you've achieved.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Just gotta share something positive, because unfortunately that has been too rare for too long and it feels good to share...
Last night H and I had a good talk where he discussed some of the fears and discouragements he had been battling for a while before the A, how he can see now that the A was not the "answer" to those things it seemed to be at the time... I did some of the DB skills of listening and validating his feelings. H paused and said... "How can you handle this with so much grace and compassion?" I answered, "I'm not sure, but I think that's part of what real love is all about." H nodded and said, "I would give anything to back up the clock a year and undo all this." I just said, "I wish you could do that too." This morning, after H left for work, he sent me a text saying, "30 years from now we will be sitting together and having quite the stories to tell of what we have overcome in our M" Wow.... I guess he is truly re-commiting.... Very encouraging. As much as I'm still struggling with all of my hurt and pain and anger (which he knows), there is a lot of healing that happens for both of us with some of those words.
