Hi again, It's been a low couple of days, really low. I feel like every 10 minutes my eyes water up, I just can't help it. Haven't been sleeping very well. Glad I am flying home tonite to CA to be with my family, but bitter/hurt/disgusted to have this come right before Xmas. Couldn't he have had the decency to wait until after the holidays? And to expect me to sign the papers right then and there, I don't know anyone who would do that on the spot upon first seeing..
I need to know how to handle him better. Was it wrong for me to express, this weekend during our meeting, that I feel like he just abandoned our M? I know bringing this up makes him then defensive, as it prompted a tirade of H saying 'i didn't just walk away...you pushed me out...you did xyz, you didn't try at all in our M, I did..., you always expressed your doubts, this and that...' and it was just verbal diarhea of blame he threw my way. It hurts, and it stung, b/c yes I know i did some hurtful things and I recognize that, I've apologized and changed many things about myself (for myself, but it's also in line with I know what he wanted).
Every time across this past year that I have said sorry for one thing or another, he took it as an opportunity to them press how he was justified in leaving. I AM SICK OF HIS EMOTIONAL ABUSE. Yes, god knows i did and said some quick hurtful things in our marriage (nothing egregious, just basic put-downs in moments of anger, and he threw them my way too). BUT i want to tell him - is this even worth it now, or will it do more harm? - that "H, you know how you say you felt when I put you down in our M, well you have done that AND THEN SOME to me across this past year" I've been nothing but a kind friend to him across this past year, let him borrow my car while he racked up tolls, did little favors, was kind and pleasant - while we were separated - and he just threw it all in my face. He things my efforts were too little too late. I've worked hard these past few months - just turning a corner - to get my self-esteem back up and strong and be hopeful for the future, and just feel so quashed again. I hate that he makes me feel this this...but then, is IT MY FAULT FOR EVEN GOING HERE as we have these conversations now? Do I just sign (obviosuly after reviewing w L) and cut my losses and move on. There is so much left unsaid. So I struggle w wanting to express my hurt to H, tell him what he's done to me and how he's made me feel across this past year, put my foot down, but whenever i do it backfires and he becomes nasty again. So how do I handle such situations?
Was it wrong to remind him that he left me without an iota of effort when I've done all this work this past year and he's been traveling, partying, leading this life?? In our apartment paying rent and bills...and in response he says: 'well you could have left, you didn't have to stay here'
It's like I prefer peace with him, but i'm also suppressing my emotions of all this stuff I want to get out. He did text me back late sunday saying "I'm sorry if I seemed inconsiderate during our conversation, this is hard for me too and I never meant to hurt you" So it was nice to have a feeling of peace w him, but still I'm so ANGRY and hurt and I want to GET IT OUT TO HIM. I want to let him know how much I'm hurting while i've db'd my ass off this year and didn't express much of that, I validated and did all the things i 'should have done', for the most part, db-style.
So hears the struggle, while when I speak my mind to him it does feel good, but then I end up feeling awful after as it often provokes a fight and tit-for-tat about you did this and you did that. And then I feel low again. I want peace w him yet I am angry. That's why I felt the need to hash this out, peacefully id possible, w a 3rd party counselor as we go through this stage, b/c it's so hard to take to one another. There are so many emotions still there. The reason i wanted to do Retro - even at this stage - was b/c I wanted to have some healthy communication w a man that's been part of my life for over 11 years...you don't just walk away like that.
Last night ALL i wanted to do was call him, talk to him...even though I am so hurt and so angry I feel like I am missing him - the old him - for than ever now..more than I have across these past 6 months of very little contact. I called my mom instead and she talked me out of it. But I wanted to call him so bad. What did I want to say? On one hand, I wanted him to come over and to hold me...and on the other hand, I wanted to tell him off. How messed up is that?? I feel such conflict of love and anger right now, so much emotion. (And I felt pretty indifferent to him, actually, across these past 4-6 months of no contact...now I feel like emotion, so strong, again).
I know these are probably normal waves that come and go. But how do you ride them out? I'm going to start IC again when I move to CA. But my question is, do I, and how, tell him how I feel? Is it all a moot point? There is still a shred of me that wants to DB, but I am also so hurt and so angry. He is not rational...some of the things he says, can he not see that they are just his perspective/lens and NOT the truth??
Can I write him a letter, an email, telling him - relatively toned-down, how I feel? I can't see him again till mid-Jan. If I have these feelings again like last night of wanting to see him so bad, can I act upon it and call him to talk, or do I just ignore/distract. What is healthy thing to do? I think I'm going to go punch a pillow after this email.
My heart aches and I keep welling up with tears. God I haven't felt like this since earlier days of our separation. He seems to have no heart or conscience right now and the awful thing is I've been left feeling here like I'm the one to blame again. Like the gaslight syndrome or whatever. My family and friends have helped me see good in me and the negativity in him lately, so why do I feel like it's all my fault again?
