I'm surprised that she isn't fighting you harder about access to the boys. At some point you'll have to let her take them on her own. I'll bet there is no way to keep her from exposing them do the dbag...you'll have to get your mind around that one.
Question for the vets here: I'm now enjoying living in my house sans wife. I really think she thinks she will return if and when she's ready, but since it's her house too, she can come and go, etc. I've set the boundary on coming and going, but one thing I'm thinking about doing is taking down all reminders or her (pictures of us at our wedding, her decorations, etc). Is that an irrelevant move? Is it too antagonistic? I want to do it simply because it makes it easier for me to function as a single parent. I don't have to deal with the constant reminders, etc. Interested in everyone's thoughts on that.
When I moved out of our house, Coach didn't take down my pics or anything like that. But what he did was to move his DRUM SET to the middle of our living room where my desk HAD been. The first time I saw it when I came to pick up D12, I thought, "Well, that's just like HIM to ruin a beautifully decorated house with a drum set in the living room!" Next thought was, "He can't do that in my house!" On the heels of that thought came the reality..."This isn't YOUR house anymore, Greek. You left." REALITY. This was one of the first chips in my wall.
Don't take her pics down. That's too p!$$y. But do put your pingpong table in the middle of the dining room. Or move you guitar collection to the living room. Make the house the way Norse wants it. Your cave now!
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
So she cancelled her appearance at our marriage counseling appointment today.
I'm wondering if I should contact the dbag's soon to be ex-wife now?
What do you hope to achieve? If they truly are headed toward divorce, then there is probably no point--she won't have any leverage. If, on the other hand, he has been lying to your wife and his (cheaters lie) about the status of his marriage, then his wife should know.
The question with any of these "tough love" steps always comes down to the motivation behind them. If you are trying to preserve your family, you can make a case for any of the steps you have taken. If you are angry about your wife's betrayal and trying to punish her, then you should think about them more deeply. Given the brevity of your posts here, I don't have a feel for it either way.
You've mentioned that both you and your wife are churchgoers. Have you spoken with your pastor or priest about your situation? Sometimes that gives people more clarity.
Good points, Nut. My objective is to continue to do everything in my power to suck the energy out of her affair. Im hoping that having complete control of the money will help that along, as will setting firm boundaries re: her visiting the house per Coach and Puppy's recommendations. Now that she isn't in therapy anymore, I was thinking that maybe it is time to play that card. I don't know how much dbag's spouse knows about anything. My wife says they are far along in their divorce, but when I think about it, why would I believe that?! For all I know, they might not be.
I don't want to punish her. I want to make it not fun to be immoral, and not easy to continue the affair.
Re: church, did I mention my wife is a preacher's kid? anyway, we only began to attend church again the past couple of months, so we are new to the church and don't know many people well there.
I think the only thing that stops me from talking to dbag's wife is that I don't want to give my wife any ammo for her misplaced anger. I'm firm but civil with her. Not a pushover, not waiting around for her to return. What if dbag's spouse gets him and my wife fired from their bank? I wonder if it then backfires on me (because then I am the bad guy).
OK, as long as you're looking inward when you're making these decisions. Wow, you married a PK (preachers kid)! I'm a high school teacher, and I can tell you that with preachers' kids, teachers' kids and cops' kids, there usually isn't a whole lot of middle ground. They're either goody-two-shoes or very rebellious.
The decision to talk to dbag's wife should not depend on how your wife might react. If you suspect that dbag has not been completely honest about the status of his marriage, then you have a responsibility to contact his wife. There are, as you well know, heath risks associated with sex with a primiscuous partner. Your integrity as a physician and a human being should not be compromised by how your wife might react to such a contact. You'll have to use your best judgement, because the blowback could affect you and your boys.
I don't know how spiritual you are, but pastors and priests are paid to minister to people in pain. Also, given that your wife is a PK, having the pastor know that she is schtupping her boss might apply some additional pressure.
When she retains an attorney, you will have to make some compromises. You should prepare yourself mentally for that. The reality is that if she is hell-bent on continuing this affair, you will be unable to prevent your kids from being exposed to it. You'll probably have to let loose of some money as well. Your attorney will advise you regarding the particulars of your state's family law code.
You're doing well. I don't have the moral clarity that Coach and Puppy have, but I hope that I've asked the right questions.
One more thing, in terms of the money. I understand that you do not want to enable her affair, but you also don't want to make your boys' mother destitute. That is a fine line to walk, and you should think about where that line is. As I've said before...in ten years when your boys ask about how you handled this situation (trust me, they will ask), will you be able to look them in the eye?
Nut-thanks for your thorough response. I've put a lot of thought into this, with much help from yourself and others on this forum. Some thoughts:
1. I certainly do not have revenge in my heart. And I don't want to make my wife and my boys' mom destitute. I just want her to come back to reality. I do love her, or I wouldn't be putting up with this craziness.
2. I do intend to tread carefully, esp. with the money issue. I am open to being fair and to making concessions. I simply want her to stop being so immature and to start being an adult at the table, so to speak. Once she has an attorney, I will feel more comfortable allowing her more access to the money. I just need some legal guidelines for the separation.
3. I need to think more about how to utilize the good things that our new church offers. The pastor seems very good, very approachable. I don't know if my wife would be open to talking to him, though. She's drowning in her shame, I think.
4. I am still debating in my mind the decision to contact the wife. I'm leaning towards doing it, and doing it in a very matter of fact and civil manner.
5. The goal here is to do everything in my means, and everything within my own ethics, to squeeze the fun and life out of my wife's affair. Operation Python, if you will. The money is the first part, which should add stress to their fairytale life. Good relations with her family is another, which should help limit loopholes for her to use to get money, support, etc. Limited contact and strong boundaries is another, to keep her grounded in reality and to protect my children as best possible. And contacting the dbag's wife is a possible tactic, also, to induce stress into dbag's side of the equation if possible.
I don't want to contact her work; that doesn't fit my strategy. Too much possible blowback, I think.
I'm doing my best. Having down moments, and "what the heck is going on?" moments. But I appreciate the continued help. I don't want people to assume this is easy, and not offer their valuable input. It's all appreciated, and I check back often!
I'm glad you're being thoughtful in your responses. This is not easy stuff. It looks like you have a sound strategy for dealing with this and staying sane.
I can't believe this didn't occur to me last night. Do your wife's parents know about what she is doing? She is a PK after all.
