I just read through all of this. Yeah, our situations are similar. I can see myself making the same passive aggressive comments you did. I let my wife go on bike training rides together for a number of years with another married guy. They texted each other about some houswives show. Wimpish dude, I wasn't threatened at all. After her affair, I put a stop to all of it and she got pissed. I was too nice before.
Me:49 W: 41 Kids=D14/D14/S10 Married: 15 Together: 16 Bomb: 08/26/09 Currently: separated but in the different houses.
I just came to your thread, so I admit not knowing what has transpired before this point. Have you considered going to a Retrouvaille weekend? It is a very successful method of helping people return to their their marriages. Info is on their website, www.helpourmarriage.org. One of the nice things about Retrouvaille is that it presents information from the perspectives of both the WAS and the LBS, and shows how both dealt with reconciliation. That might provide the kind of direction your wife is looking for. It is not MC'ing. It is people who have been through the pain themselves showing how they healed. They teach by example.
Lotus, thanks for the input. I have seen the Retrouvaille discussed on this site. I will follow the link. Maybe we can get to that point. I am trying to seperate the actions from the actor. I tell myself my wonderful bride is not doing these things it is her depression, her fear, her hurt.
Last night, I told my wife that I had bought myself a Christmas present and would wrap it and put it under the tree as if it were from her. She was flabergasted. She stammered around the topic. Finally, she asked if I bought her anything, I told her that I had. It seemed to really impact her that I was so accepting that she was so checked out.I then remained present to give her an opportunity to talk more but she did not, so I left the room.
This morning, she was wrapping presents for co-workers. (Yes, it did hurt a bit that she lacked interest in a present for her husband but had time to get gifts for co-workers. But I caught myself feeling sorry for myself and let it go.)I approached her and asked if she bought a present for OM also. She said she did not. I then reasserted my boundries. She tested the lines but backed off. I validated her feelings of anger and confusion without disagreeing with her. She tried to pick a fight, but no luck.She then said words to the effect, 'You won't talk to me about anything but the OM and you won't talk to me.' I took this as a sign that perhaps she is in withdrawl from the OM and, hopefully, misses my company.
I am really starting to think that I need to take the next step toward healing our relationship, but I do not want to seem like I am pursuing. Any thoughts?
I am really starting to think that I need to take the next step toward healing our relationship, but I do not want to seem like I am pursuing. Any thoughts?
When she stopped running away then there can be no pursuit. You are now trying to work on the reconciliation, first step is to get rid of negative emotions, second step is to re-establish the friendship.
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'You won't talk to me about anything but the OM and you won't talk to me.'
Are you listening to her? She feels like you are punishing her over and over. Negative feelings on both sides. You can still have boundaries and loving at the same time.
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Last night, I told my wife that I had bought myself a Christmas present and would wrap it and put it under the tree as if it were from her. She was flabergasted. She stammered around the topic.
I'm flabberghasted too, WTF that all about?
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Finally, she asked if I bought her anything, I told her that I had. It seemed to really impact her that I was so accepting that she was so checked out.
You are grandstanding, you have no idea what she is thinking and you are patting yourself on the back.
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I then remained present to give her an opportunity to talk more but she did not, so I left the room.
How do you know she wanted to talk? Walking out of a room without speaking to someone is rude, especially to a woman. You need to work on your listening and talking clearly. You are missing opportunities to connect emotionally.
Take the pressure off her - talk about OM, trying to show her how "right" you are. Learn to show compassion, validate and listen. Great question to ask is, "How can I help you with that?" Then do what she asks.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
How do you know she wanted to talk? Walking out of a room without speaking to someone is rude, especially to a woman. You need to work on your listening and talking clearly. You are missing opportunities to connect emotionally.
Take the pressure off her - talk about OM, trying to show her how "right" you are. Learn to show compassion, validate and listen. Great question to ask is, "How can I help you with that?" Then do what she asks. [/quote]
Excellent Advice - Take it!
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
Coach, your post was quite timely. Thank you. So, you think I can now step toward her in an effort of reconciliation? I mean, has she stopped running away? She has ended the A and stopped talking D, but she is not interested in working on our relationship. Is she looking for me to step up, be a man and come up with a plan? Do I now bear my soul to her that I want to work on our marriage? I mean, when she was in the thoughs of her A, I was saying, "I want to work on our R" over and over. I don't want to go back to that kind of pleading.
Make your home the place she wants to be. Make yourself irresistable to her (catnip). Take the stress out. Make plans together- no expectations. What are her LLs? Fill her love buckets without pointing it out. Show her true giving. Be a great Dad. Don't get pouty, try to fix her, keep score or take her temperature.
Don't talk but do.
"There is no try. There is do or do not." - Yoda
Handle it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
But isn't this stuff pursuing? I mean, she remains very uncommitted to our marriage. At least it seems soo. But she has ended the A, she has not left, she has cooled the D talk, she has begged me to talk to her. Hell, she even noticed I was wearing brown shoes yesterday. So maybe there is some movement back into the M. Frankly, I can't blame her for not wanting to, our relationship sucks eggs!
Her primary ll are quality time and physical. Right now, she has had no interest in a physical relationship with me at all. (I think in part due to depression and OM) Anyway, do I focus on trying to create stress free opportunities for quality time? Do I make dates? Do I take time off from work over the holidays for her? Isn't this stuff pursuing and a major turn off to the WAW?
The first step is to get rid of the negative feelings.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
