I have been trying to keep up with you. Find you more or less.
I put my boundary in place last night. Real scary more for me. W did not like it. broke Dark to do so. W and I really haven't talk in a while but did for a bit last night. There were some tears, some laughs an a couple of hugs.
After reading (Ithink) your original stich, out od curiousity, I got the 2 ebooks "Womens Infidelity I & II
I am reading, and half way thru ebook I
WOW, I had no idea. This this work for you.
Should I try to get W to read them.
My wife was similiar to you with EA 'cept W went PA.
She says she is not pursuing R with him, just a friend but wanted to try the other side.
he said she did it because I was abusive verbally (and I was), we did not do much together (and we didn't), and she thought I was having an A (which I am not), she does say she knows that now.
She stated she wants to go back to IC; her C is a pro M C.
She says that she still does not know what she wants, and that our home is a source of pain for her.
She told me that the physical part of our marriage was great. No prob's there she says, just drifted apart.
Do you think those books will work on her like you said they worked on you?
I am drawn to you S2... I do not know why, but after the son 2x4, I just feel like you are my much needed help.
I was going to wait until after the holidays to set a tough boundary, but you put in my face like no other... Thank you, I feel empowered now.
I will continue to look for you...
Thanks for being here for soooo long, I feel like you were waiting just for me!
Me 43 / W 40 T 29 / M 15 S-18 11/4/09-ILYBINILWY 11/10/09-Separated 12/1/09-W admitted EA 12/5/09-W admitted PA 12/24/09 W say "I love you"
"A GOOD MARRIAGE IS NOT ONE WHERE PERFECTION REIGNS"
Hey Pat, I answered your post on your thread, but let me respond here also. I can't believe you read my old thread........it's soooo embarrasing. Now you see why I try to tell LBH's about their WAW? I have only looked back at my original post a time or two.....it just makes me sick, but I can see what a bad shape I was in then. So thankful I can say that I am back to the old Sandi.
The E-book you read......it's scary, isn't it? Yep....it really got my attention! That book plus what was being told to me by the people here on the board. Most of them have moved on and left...but a few still poke their head in from time to time.
I don't know about suggesting to your W that she reads that E-book. You see, I was seeking help....and that is why it got me. Unless the WAW is trying to get help...I think it often has an opposite affect for her LBH to try to get her to read M books,etc. If she only knew what could happen to her if she continues down this path....that is what is so scarey!
I don't want it to affect you the way it did one man who read it. He felt so much dispare that he was ready to throw up his hands and quit. It is to be informative but not to cause one to give up completely.
I was seen as always the "good girl" and the "proper Christian wife" and as you probably read, that was the first really sinful thing I had been involved in. I don't mean that to sound self-rightous, but I had made the Church my life and had never thought about looking at any other lifestyle (or a man). So, I got caught up in the "sinful" excitment of the EA. It was truly like a drug in how it affected me. It shames me to remember how I behaved, but it is what it is and I can't undo it.
Quote:
She says she is not pursuing R with him, just a friend but wanted to try the other side.
That is a very common answer for WAW's in an A. I couldn't claim that b/c my H found my emails to OM. Besides, mine was an Internet fling and my H knew OM and I were not "friends". I wouldn't hold too much in what your W said about being just friends. She may not be pursuing a future with OM, but then she may be caught up in that excitement like I was. She may think that she wants to see other men instead of being M, but from what she told you while standing in the rain.....I hope you can hold out hope that she will come around in time. It does take time for her to figure some of the stuff out.
But....you did the right thing by drawing the boundary and telling her what you did. The WAW does not need to get away with her behavior without paying the price. No matter how much she tries to justify her leaving you b/c of the R breakdown or how you may have treated her.......there is no excuse for an A and she needs to see the consequences. I think it shocked her by what you said.....and that is good!
Thank you for the sweet and wonderful things you said. I hope I can help you in some way. I know you want to help your W, but you cannot rescue her.........however, we can pray for her, right? God truly works in mysterious ways. Remember that our time is not always in God's timetable. Do what you know is right and trust God to do His work. I have much hope that your M is going to work out.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
IMO you have no reason to be embarrased about your old thread. I know it is a painful part of your life, but it had to happen. You know as well as I do that God allows some things to happen for a reason. This had to happen to you. Painful as it may be, it had to happen so that you would be the person you are today. It had to happen so H would have a greater love and more appreciation for the wonderful, beautiful 26 year old W the he has
Example: I have a friend that was raped. Ironically enough, she works at a Family Planning Clinic as a C for rape victims.
She worked this job a couple years, and then she herself was raped. Gang raped to be specific. Beating severely and left for dead. Took months for body to heal.
I saw her a couple of times, but felt weird around her because I did not know what she was thinking with regards to men. I did not think she wanted them around her while she was recovering.
Several weeks later, I happen by her work and she was outside eating lunch. I stopped by and said hello... and asked how she was doing. Of course she said fine. She asked me why I did not come around much while she had the time off work and I told her. I then asked her how she was feeling emotionally and how is she going to deal with her pain while continuing in her career field.
She said:
God has given me a Blessing that I could not understand at first, but through Prayer and God's Wisdom I have come to believe that I have experienced my last semester of the education in my career field. For years, I have been C'ing young woman who have been raped. I could not understand the emotions they were feeling and why I could not connect with them. I did all the was required of me thru years of training and learning, to include all the personal experiences that came with the job. Yet I could not connect with them. I prayed that I would recieve knowledge on how to better serve and connect with these young woman, some of which were young teens. Time passed and I forgotten about the request. Now, don't get me wrong, I was not praying to God for him to send somebody to rape me, but I was praying for the knowledge to better serve these women. Sometimes you have to be careful what you ask for.
After she was raped and she said she was being C'ed. It came to her. God had allowed her to have what she needed. She told me that what happened to her had to happen. She was not angry at God for allowing this to happen to her although she said she had her doubts. Until her first C'ing session after returning back to work.
She told me God had a plan for her and she had some healing to do. She then realized that in order for her to do what God needed her to do, she had to know what they were feeling. She said that she Thanks God everyday for the wisdom He has given her because now she can truely connect with these young women. She now has the strength to see each case through with compassion and total understanding. She is able to do a work in these young ladies that is unmatched by others in her office. She is able to help heal others whereas, had it not happened, she probably would not have been there today to help and heal those in need. God has a plan for us all, even if we do not see it.
Point:
You had to go thru the pain and suffering that you had because someone needed to get healed. Maybe just you.
Could it be the many heart hurt souls here seemingly pain trapped in these forums...
Could it be your H whom just wanted to be closer to his W (you)
Could it be just me who seemingly so feel so drawn to you only by the mere words you speak....
Could it be my son whom needed his father to get a swift punch in the face so that dad does not draw away from him while lost in W's fog of chemical highs....
Or just because He knew that you had the strength and staying power to stick to this forum because so many here need your insight and wisdom.
Someone prayed for the answers to there problems, I don't know who. God sent you!
I have been chasing you around this forum. I miss you everywhere by just minutes it seems..... I take the time to read just about every thread you post for folks stuck here dying for love lost. I look for you name any and everywhere before I check my own stich.... or an email from my W. God has given you a knowledge thru a painful journey so that you would have the wisdom to help others. Somebody's prayer somewhere was answered. Mine was.... sorry for doing that to you, but Thanks!
Long way around... Sorry.
As for the ebook. I will not force it on my W. But if she decides to try and work on our marriage when the time is right, I will offer it up as something for her to read that may help her to put distance between her and OM.
Ha, if only wife knew what could happen to her if she continues down that path.... would want to email her and tell her would ya!
S2 - don't you worry.I have staying power. I want my W back. She may never come back. I am not ready to give up yet. I will work on Gal'ing, 180's and the like. I will DB best I can, and try to pursue W by stayin' 2 steo in front of her. I do not know how this is going to turn out, but I will have the door open for a long long time.
W pursuing R with OM. She says "not", but I understand that she does not control her high right now. I also understand that not much can happen until it wears off.
W has medical concerns and prescription med addiction, chronic back pain after 2 surgeries and just this week, found out she has crohn's disease if I spell that right. Skin issues from the gastric by pass surgery etc.... plus OM is younger. his I know sounds like it is doomed from the start. Never know though. I love her. I grew up with her and all her problems. She does not know how much love I hold for her.
I would not pick the flower and die for my W neither. I think I got that story from your stich.
Yeah, she said she does not know what she want or what she wants to do. I will take that for now as i have no choice at the moment. I will be curious to see if she actyually gets back into C'ing like she said. That would be a good first step.
MIL thinks it is over between us. But MIL never thought we'd get married in the first place. so....
And S2 - Thank you for your prayers and encouragement... Don't be a stranger, come visit me often....
Me 43 / W 40 T 29 / M 15 S-18 11/4/09-ILYBINILWY 11/10/09-Separated 12/1/09-W admitted EA 12/5/09-W admitted PA 12/24/09 W say "I love you"
"A GOOD MARRIAGE IS NOT ONE WHERE PERFECTION REIGNS"
Sandi, May you and your family have a blessed and safe holiday season.
Merry Christmas!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
