NC - W vanished ...

[P17]

Thanks Sakaro for coming back to me. I appreciate you taking the time to reply.

To me it just seemed like a guy who was trying to be difficult. So much drama involved. Put her stuff in a box and drop it off at her house when you know she or Mr Wrong arent there. Send her a text once it is done. "Dropped off your half of the decorations, hope you have a Merry Christmas" That sounds a like a very strong guy who isnt letting her petty stuff or her awful choices ruin his life. That is what will bring her back.

You're right in one respect that it did seem like a guy trying to be difficult which is why it also looked like so much drama. I was really trying to make a decision that seemed like I wasn't being difficult.

Part of my problem in all of this was that when my W left she took most of the wedding presents - she took, didn't ask. She took them because her parents bought them for us (my parents just gave us a large amount of money).

The Xmas decorations were bought by her and by me and as I was the one who had the child, which is what Xmas is about, I kept all of the decorations. I did give her back the ones that were hers from when she was a child.

I had a wrestle of conscience with this as it's not what I'd normally do. I'd just normally give her the things and let it be done with. However I also determined that precisely because that is what I'd normally do, I shouldn't. For me it was a 180 - mr soppy pants decided enough was enough.

I can completely understand how it is seen as being weak and petty. I still can see it that way myself. However I can also see it as being weak and needy by giving her back exactly what she wanted. Bear in mind she had three months to pick this stuff up. She also said when she was leaving that she would pick them up later when she looked at the xmas box.

Anyway, what I am trying to say is it could look both ways, and does, to me. I made the best call I could under the circumstances.

I am starting to think that is why W is keeping the car seat now - as payment for the decorations I 'stole'. Hey ho. I can't win.

I think there was an issue with your wife wanting to send some gifts for your daughter. I think you should let her and thank her afterward via a card. "Daughter loved the gifts, thanks!" No loves, no miss yous. Just strong, positive man getting on with his life.

There was an issue, but only in here. I never told my W that she couldn't send the presents. When she told me what she was getting D for Xmas in her email, I just ignored it. I haven't spoken to my W since 23 November.

All communication goes through IM.

If I am honest, and that's one of the reasons I am here, I don't know what to do about presents. I don't want W to send them if I'm honest but I'll also be disappointed if she doesn't (see previous messages about her fighting me and standing up to me about D).

I don't want her to send them as I want D to move on with her life and, as much as she can, realise that W is no longer there for her. I don't want her presents to remind D of what she has lost in W. I also, again if I'm really honest, feel that I want to punish W for what she has done. I made a really hard decision by stopping contact with D and I have been over it again and again and again in my head as the reasons I did it. I always question myself as to if I was punishing W. The honest answer is it is probably part of it. But not punishing her as in using my daughter as a pawn, but not letting her eat cake and having to experience her fantasy life without us both.

I also want W to stand up to me, shout, yell, use swear words and tell me what she is going to do about D. I want her to go to Social Services. I want her to do EVERYTHING she can to see my D and fight for her. I don't care about her fighting for me. But I do care about her fighting for D. I would have a 1000 times more respect for her if she did. But she has lain down and accepted it.

If she does get them to me somehow then I'm not sure what I will do to be honest because of the above. I'm not going to act out of revenge or punishment though. I will TRY and act out of love. Not easy given how I am feeling but I promise I will TRY. I actually don't think she will give D a Xmas present. From the little shreds of things I see (letter to my dad, ignoring texts about D's care seat, Doctors etc.) I think she is angry. We'll see but if I have a wish on this it's that she'll stand up to me, stick two fingers up and fight for D. If anybody wants to pray for anything, pray for that little thing.

Anyway, I'm rambling now. I hope I have explained where I'm coming from Shakaro and how difficult just these little decision have been. Something as simple as what xmas decorations to give her caused a flurry of posts as I didn't know what to do for the best. The next time this happens I will have a better idea I hope. This 180 stuff is new to me.

Anyway, my new motto is 'do what is right', or from the NMMNG it's 'have integrity - do what is right not was is expedient'. That is what I will be doing from now on and that is why I have been upbeat and accepting of MIL's attempts to have contact with D.

My next thing I'm looking at is whether and when to come out of LRT.