Looking for Advice

[sandi2]

I was asked to come by your thread and take a look at your stitch. When I saw the great advice being given, then I stayed out, but was asked again.....so here I am FWIW.

Your mind has been in a whirlwind and somehow during all this holiday stuff, you need to find a quite place just for you so you can come to terms about some things.

I may not say all of this in the order it needs to be, but bear with me. When you said you gave her a "boundary" but you don't know what it is or what to do about it, I don't understand that. Do you mean that if she breaks the boundary that you don't know what to do? That reminds me of kids drawing a line in the sand and daring another one to cross it.....the other kids steps over it and dares the first kid to do anything about it. That is the situation you'll have with your WAW if you have not made the consequenses clear.

First of all.....just what were the boundaries that you laid down? Was it just to drop the OM? B/c if that is all, then the M is far from being out of the woods yet. Have you read the information regarding WAW's and the chemicals that they have which causes them to feel that they are "in-love" with the OM? Do you realize that this is addictive? Do you know that your W will probably try to go deeper under cover in her EA with OM b/c of her addicition to this A?

GW, I am not trying to ruin your holidays........your W has pretty much taken care of doing that! I, however, am concerned that you seem to be blindly stepping out into some of this before you know enough about it. I am really surprised that your W did not go to a motel the night you confronted her. She may lay low until after Christmas. I think she will start to make preparations to leave immediately after Christmas, so you need to take action to protect you and your children.

This is not the girl you M....and you've already said that, but keep reminding yourself b/c you may get a little more than shocked if this turns more ugly than it is. Just b/c she says the A is over......doesn't mean a thing. OM may not continue the A, but that won't stop her from finding some other person. Remember......if she is addicted to those chemical that her body is pouring into her brain....she will be like a drug addict trying to find what she needs.

Sadly, you canot rescue her. It may break your heart....but you must allow her to pay the consequenses of her own actions and don't protect her or rescue her or she will learn nothing. If she wants to move out to her own place....don't stand in her way. The worst thing you could do is to beg, plead, cry, apologize, etc. Don't help her with anything if she decides to move. You don't become her plumber, electrician, or erran boy. Know what I mean? Separate your checking accounts and secure any of your savings that is not "her" money. Don't let her touch what is suppose to be for the kid's college,etc. I just read another thread where the LBH could not believe his WAW wiped him out.....but it happens all the time. She will be thinking of survival, and that's all. Stop paying for anything that are her personal use....like credit cards, cell phones, etc. You said she has a good job.....so let her take care of herself.

I said all of that just in case it happens sooner than you might expect. You need to be prepared for anyting. Don't get caught off guard. You said you had the power? Expect her to do everything she can to get it back.

Do not look at boundaries as being blackmail. Do you have boundaries in place for your children? Boundaries are set in place to teach respect. An example would be that she not TM OM in your presence or in front of your children. But since she claims that she will be transparent in her emails, etc., she shouldn't have a problem, right? Of course, how will you know if she opens a secret email account? Do you know enough tech stuff to find out? Do you have access to the cell phone bills? Of course there are always pre-paid phones. You see, if she wants to have an A, she'll figure out a way to do it.....but what you want to enforce is that she will not take you for some dope who will let her be so carefree and open that she doesn't even bother to cover it up. You may not be able to control what she does when she is away from you, but while in your home and in your presence.....she needs to show you respect. That is the number one issue. Do I need to repeat that? B/c I see a lot of what seems to be a lack of self-respect from you and you won't be getting it from her until you have it for yourself. You said you had read some of my posts, so you probably have seen some of what I say about the importance of women respecting their H in order to love him.

So what do I do. If I tell her that I won't ruin his career or hers or tell his wife, she probably bolts and files for divorce. If I don't say that, maybe she stays but she is PISSED...thats no way to build a relationship.

It is not the conditions you prefer, but if you draw that as a line in the sand.......you'll have to stick to it. She is the one who will make the decision and suffer the consequenses.

So she hadn't really thought about trying to get to a place to work on our relationship. Right now, she is not willing. It is all because of the stereotype WAW syndrome.

So then you should not be surprised that she's not at the place she wants to work on the M. My gosh, things just blew up in her face. Being in a M with you is the very last things she wants to think about. She wants to get far away from you........so stop acting like a pitiful LBH who is looking at his W and wondering why she hasn't come around already, b/c it will be a long time. (If that is what you're doing.)

She doesn't care that I have changed.

No she doesn't care.....not right now. Her mind is on getting out and being single. Besides, it took a long time for you to become the way you are, so why should she expect you to have made changes that are going to stick? These changes need to be for yourself......not her.

She claims they had no plans to run off together, in fact, he's pretty happy with his marriage and family, it was supposedly one of those real good friends that grew into more because my W was needy at the time because she was so pissed at me (and now even more pissed than then) and she reached out to him and he reciprocated

.

This is her version, of course. Listen, she is afraid that you are going to OM's W and tell. She is afraid you'll tell at OM's job. She'll say or do anything to keep you from doing that. Don't listen to what she says, watch what she does.

She claims some of the time the talk and text is I love you stuff, but often just mundane.

Listen, people in EA do not talk mundane stuff to their lovers. They save that for their S's.

Question: I didn't threaten to ruin his/her career. I said I didn't know what I would do if she didn't stop and divorced me. Should be a woos and say ok, I won't hurt anyone, I won't contact OM's Wife, I won't ruin any careers, just come back?!?! I don't think that would work.

Whatever you do....don't be a wuss! Don't tell her that you'll not tell OM if only she comes back. You just tell her what you'll do if she doesn't stop including other men in her life while she is still M to you.

My main worry/concern is saving the marriage. That's what I'm looking for help on.

I understand that, but first the A has to be busted. Then the D has to be busted and after that the M has to be worked on....and hard. This is not the time to be reading the "How to make your M Wonderful" books b/c you have to take first things first. Stay focused, okay?

As she is stomping around the house as furious as I've ever seen her in our 14.5 yrs of marriage, I finally ask her what did she expect.

Were you saying that as in form of an apology? I hope not. It would lose everything you've do. Let her stomp and pout and act hurt or whatever......she is the one who has sinned here....not you. Don't react or respond to any of these actions.

Oh yeah, my W and OM are always on the FB with each other and my W won't even allow me access to her stuff.

That is another boundary that needs to be put in place. If she stays, then she needs to have everything transparent for you to look at anytime you wish.

So firm boundary needs to be stop all contact or I contact OM's wife. Right?
Does this really work?

Didn't you say that was your W's worst fear? Also, exposing him to his boss. Since everyone works for the same company....it won't be an easy time for you, but she doesn't want that to happen for OM and it is her fear. That is what you have to hit a WAW with...who is in an A.

Draw up your toes b/c this will hurt to hear what I'm saying. Stop expecting her to want to put forth effort in this M she wants to leave. I mean, stop expecting it right now b/c she has to get over OM. My H did the same thing and kept saying how he wanted me to say the words that I would put put everything into working on our R. Well, I felt that I was the one who had always done that and was burned out. It was all I could do just to be willing to "stay". It took me a long time.....and it will take your W a long time before she feels the desire to work at a R with you. However, that is not to say she cannot put for the decision to stay in the house and to show you respect as her H. I did do that, and she can too.

One more thing. I have noticed a couple of places you refer to a comment she made about your changes. In the last post, it sounded like she was using the old switcheroo and putting the blame on you and making you feel guilty. She doesn't like some of your new changes, huh? Bet you don't like hers either. Do no allow her to shine the light on what you've done bad when it is about her. Yes, it took both of you to get to this place, but she had the EA and she needs to be remorseful about it. Not about getting caught......sorry about having an EA. That will take her some time to get there, also. You will discover that she will have several baby-steps that she has to make b/c it doesn't all happen in a few weeks or even months. Can you hang in there for the long haul?