Nut-thanks for your thorough response. I've put a lot of thought into this, with much help from yourself and others on this forum. Some thoughts:
1. I certainly do not have revenge in my heart. And I don't want to make my wife and my boys' mom destitute. I just want her to come back to reality. I do love her, or I wouldn't be putting up with this craziness.
2. I do intend to tread carefully, esp. with the money issue. I am open to being fair and to making concessions. I simply want her to stop being so immature and to start being an adult at the table, so to speak. Once she has an attorney, I will feel more comfortable allowing her more access to the money. I just need some legal guidelines for the separation.
3. I need to think more about how to utilize the good things that our new church offers. The pastor seems very good, very approachable. I don't know if my wife would be open to talking to him, though. She's drowning in her shame, I think.
4. I am still debating in my mind the decision to contact the wife. I'm leaning towards doing it, and doing it in a very matter of fact and civil manner.
5. The goal here is to do everything in my means, and everything within my own ethics, to squeeze the fun and life out of my wife's affair. Operation Python, if you will. The money is the first part, which should add stress to their fairytale life. Good relations with her family is another, which should help limit loopholes for her to use to get money, support, etc. Limited contact and strong boundaries is another, to keep her grounded in reality and to protect my children as best possible. And contacting the dbag's wife is a possible tactic, also, to induce stress into dbag's side of the equation if possible.
I don't want to contact her work; that doesn't fit my strategy. Too much possible blowback, I think.
I'm doing my best. Having down moments, and "what the heck is going on?" moments. But I appreciate the continued help. I don't want people to assume this is easy, and not offer their valuable input. It's all appreciated, and I check back often!
