My H is online, on his yahoo messenger. I stay logged in all the time - a habit I developed while he was deployed. You sleep with your cell phone and computer both on and within arm's reach, praying you get contact with them.
I just sat staring at that stupid little icon for awhile. He knows I'm here, and he doesn't want to IM me. Usually I buzz him to say hi as soon as he gets on. But I haven't. I haven't IM'ed him at all. I just sit here looking at that stupid "online" icon and want to cry.
We were better in our marriage when he was thousands of miles away risking his life every day! Now when he can pick up the phone or e-mail anytime he wants, when he can contact me every day, he doesn't care anymore. God, I'm so angry! And hurt. And he doesn't know and doesn't care. Grrrr...
And I've stopped trying to get him to call his sons too, btw. I used to ask him every time we talked to please call them even if he didn't want to talk to me. They are so little and they miss him so much! But he never calls them, and I do mean never. So I stopped asking.
I am a writer. I have only done some small stuff for a local paper, but I'm pretty good. And I want to do the big stuff...you know, books. I'm developing an idea right now. Have any of you ever read romance novels or watched what passes for love on tv? It's crap! It's no wonder affairs seem so appealing (not an excuse, but there you have it); we're inundated by the idea that love is supposed to be always exciting, romantic, and flawless. SO I've been sort of thinking...what if I wrote novels based on our stories here? I don't know any real names, so it won't be exposing someone. And what if people could read real stories of love and commitment? What if they could read about love that walks through fire? And I want to tell the stories whether they end in reconciliation or divorce. Because the main point isn't whether or not we all end up happily back with our spouses. This journey is about coming through this as healthier, stronger individuals.
Maybe people wouldn't read them. But I, for one, am sick of "happily ever after" stories. They all lie. So somebody weigh in on my crazy idea. It definitely falls under the "ask three" rule.
Thank you, all my new friends, for walking this road with me and holding me up when I can't stand alone. I'd never make it without you.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
