Ok, as you may have already gathered from other posters, step 1 is to stop all contact with the ex-OM. If he calls, don’t answer; If he texts, delete without reading, same with e-mail. I suggest one single letter, preferably mailed with delivery confirmation (that way he can’t claim later he never got it) that explicitly states you want NO further contact. Explain that you know your relationship was inappropriate and that you will go to the police and file harassment charges if he does not leave you alone. If you want help, we’re all here for ya. Don’t “begin to detach,” tell him take a hike and mean it.
Do NOT give in to the “I can be his friend later” mindset. You cannot be his friend…ever. Just admit that and come to terms with it. Even if you are capable someday of that level of interaction (as opposed to the inappropriate level you have been at) you cannot do it. I made that mistake. Until I moved and got counseling, I was going over to my ex-OM’s and playing cards with him and his new gf. Wrong, wrong, wrong! Imagine what that must have been doing to my husband! This bridge is burned; let it be permanent.
IDK too much about divorce proceedings (yet), but do you have a lawyer? If not, get one. You may be able to stall the divorce, get court appointed counseling, something. A little help here someone who knows?
May I also suggest that you back away from ALL male friends and associates right now? I know this sounds punitive, but after this A, all men look like a threat to your H. Every phone call from a guy might be the next hookup, every luncheon is a new attachment. Explain politely to the men in your life that you are working on your marriage. If you are comfortable explain the situation further. If not, just tell them that you are developing yourself and your relationship with your husband for now and you would appreciate some space. Delete non-essential men from your life – facebook, myspace, phone, e-mail, whatever you can think of. I don’t want you to become a hermit, but you need to remove the potential red flags IMO.
Show your H a different you. Don’t pursue him, but be available to him. If there are specific times when he knew you would be with the OM find a creative way to let him find out you were on your own or with girlfriends. Be kind and patient. Even if your H does want you back (and I hope for you he does!), he is hurting. He might say some awful things. Let it go. Do not constantly berate yourself. Own your mistakes and bad choices and then choose to change. Looking back only allows us to trip again. Assess what you can do now.
You’ve been married a very short time. Not that it makes this easier, just an observation. It was around that point I said the “D” word to my H. I didn’t go through with it. Now almost three years later he’s the one who wants out because I thought everything was better. I’m hanging in there.
Btw, sorry for mistyping your screen name the first time.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
