feel like giving up - talk to me!

[S.T. _I Made It!]

gonna note some things from your post. so glad you came to update.

Friday night was a disaster - he closes banks and works late but said he was probably gonna be early (8-9) usually close around 11pm. I called him and he never responded...son called and no response either. I text him "im worried now (since he said it'd be an early night) said, "i'm gonna call cathy to see if you left" First, you just mentioned that your numb, so why are you calling and texting him? remember, DBing is usually doing things we are not use to doing. IMHO, don't keep texting or calling...you don't want to chase him, so unless there were plans he made with you to go somewhere, I wouldn't try to contact(a coworker) he text back immediately..."im gonna hang with the group for a while." I got mad and said it's enough. He's been working late and hasn't been around at all. Plus he had to go to work on saturday too! again, you've been saying you feel done, so why are you getting upset about this? well, I know, because you do still love him, and want things to work, so remember, stop chasing.

He came home at 1am - don't know where the heck he really was. I just don't know. He made some comments about our relationship and was very rude and mean. He had a big red mark on his neck - he said, "what?...it's not a hickey my shirt rubbed my neck cuz it was too tight." Whatever. It wasn't a hickey but it was definately irritated - only a fool could think otherwise. some of his actions on this night could indicate a OW, and there could not be, who knows, and IMHO, either way it doesn't matter. You still need to be doing the same things either way, especially if you want to save your M. and he was rude because you were mad about him not responding and getting mad at him. It is just a cycle, he's told you he's not happy at home, so I would assume that if everyone from work goes out, where would he rather go? is that the right thing to do, well, he should at least check in with you, but you guys aren't in a healthy R, so that's not expected...so he makes you upset by his actions, then you make him upset by your actions. It's just a big cycle. We argued for just a bit he threatened to leave - I said "do what you're gonna do" and we went to bed. We talked a little bit of "matter of fact stuff" we're such weirdos! lol cuz deep down we have mad love funny....yet NOT I was kinda confused by this last sentence...and your attitude seems to change here too, unless I'm misreading. did you guy ML???

Sat went to work didn't expect for him to show up until 10pm or so. He walked in at 1pm. again, did you guys ML the night before?!?! If so, that's great! I was still lounging - gonna take a nap cuz I was exhausted. I was like oh no he's home...but shocked he came so early. Remember I had plans to go to friends for dinner with kids - son says, "oh dad we're going to friends for dinner." H says, "oh that will be nice." Who said he was invited?

He's constantly on his blackberry (work stuff) and when were getting ready to leave I said, "you are not taking that - it's enough". I said, "are you at work or home?" He rolled his eyes and left it. guys HATE being told what to do, try to say it in a way that allows him to make the choice.. so he doesn't end up being bitter against you, but I'm really glad to hear he still left it! We went to friends house.

He respects this friend of mine alot so I wondered if he would act like a jerk or not. He was drinking so he loosened up a bit. We all talked at the table. I had no idea she would do this but she brought our R up. She said, "I don't know what's really going on with you guys but you better work things through." She keeps talking about how she has looked up to us (our marriage) has always wanted a marriage like ours (her H left her for OW) but she is happy now.

Friend tells H, "I have you on a pedestal as a great H so don't disappoint me." We talked about relationships and what is expected of both people etc. H seemed to listen and didn't make a rude comments (I was waiting for them) He did imply that HER H was probably happy that he left. She denied that was the case.wow. I'm so glad that someone outside has the courage to stand up and say something, and do it respectfully. so many people just hide. your friend is a good friend.

Throughout the night she talked about her birthday and said, "you better mark it on the calendar." She tells us and H says, "oh WERE not gonna be here." He has been saying this whole time, "I'll be out of town...I am not gonna be here." So I thought it was funny that he said we.

Well Sunday morning he did say, "you know friend said some nice things last night." THIS IS GOOD!!I said, "yes she did." We continued with our day of shopping and lunch with the kids. H didn't seem very close to me - kinda distant but whateverthat's okay, I have a feeling your distant too. We had a nice dinner and he mentioned he had a nice/relaxing dinner with me. I wrapped gifts when we got home while he watched. I said, "let's sleep naked"AWESOME!!! I love that you said that..we both hate to sleep naked lol. We went to bed and had some matter of fact sex (lol sorry) that's how I felt...but it was ok I'm glad that you did...but be careful, you don't want your H to think your just laying there as a ragdoll and not enjoying it or regretting it.

Today he text me "I'm doing everything I can to get out of here early so we can go shopping." I said, "sounds great." He text back, "see if the kids wanna come." This may be his way of being nice - or it's just a have to cuz Christmas is Friday! I'll give him the benefit of the doubt this time.of course it is! and you just try to have the most fun that you can! be happy!

now you mentioned that he isn't trying. for a man, just BEING THERE, is trying., sorry guys. he just might not be trying in the way that YOU want him to. He is trying in his own way. I learned this myself. My H kept telling me he tried, and I said, you haven't tried anything! that was the night we finally sat down and talked and I told him if he wants a D, then fine if that's what you want, then we need to go to counseling. I totally believed he hadn't tried anything, but after DBing and really reflecting on what I had done, I realized that he had tried in his own way.

AND, I remember myself being the WAS (b4 we got M) and I remember I felt that I had tried...but you see, I never tried in the way HE needed me to. I just kept doing the same things, kept chasing the cheeseless tunnels. And now that I have changed, and what the results of my changing have brought in my H...boy, how silly I have been for 8 years..what a long waste of time that I could have had THIS man 8 years ago!!

does this all make sense? your H IS trying...I promise. if he wasn't, he wouldn't be living there let alone SHOPPING with you!! girl, you have such great hope to have such a wonderful M...please don't give up!! or I'll have to come over to your house and knock some sense into ya. lol