Hello all...I'm new to this site and have found it to be very useful during this difficult time.
I've been separated from my H since late May 09. He filed for D after finding out about my EA in Sept 09. I did all the usual things that DB say NOT to do. I cried, begged, pleaded, rationalized my wrong doing, only to make things increasingly WORSE. During this time he treated me like a BILL COLLECTOR, wouldn't accept my calls or respond to text msg.'s.
Over the last month or so, I've noticed that he has started to accept my calls and is cordial to me but our conversation are surface and business related, nothing to deal with our divorce proceedings. To make matters worse he is now working 6 hours away and I'm unable to see him so I can only converse with him over the phone. Furthermore, I strongly believe his family and friends are encouraging him to D.
We are scheduled to go to trial in February and I just grow more anxious to think my marriage is coming to an end and I don't know what to do. I feel like a deer caught in head lights. I feel like he still loves me but is HURT and rightfully so.
Thanks to reading the DB I have done a 180 and seem to believe this has contributed to him at least accepting my call but I'm not sure if the distance and lack of frequent communication is having a positive effect on our marriage.
What can I do to save this marriage with such distance between us? I'm lost for words and have prayed and asked GOD to help but feel helpless and hopeless each day that goes by. PLEASE ADVISE! I would like to hear from some of the veterans!
There is a forum for WAS that I would try to post in. On the other side of the sitch just now and in your H's shoes so can't really advise much or feel that if I could it probably wouldn't be right anyway!
I'm glad you you have come out of the FOG and wanted to fight for your M. I just wish my W would.
Good luck.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
It is understandable that your husband is acting in this manner. It is understandable that he does not trust you and you are going to have to earn that trust back and it does not come quickly.
So move slowly, do not panic....it will not help you move forward. And be careful that you do not blame him for your EA....even though you may have had things in your relationship with him that you felt pushed you towards someone else. Let that go for now.
You have to take care of yourself....it's better for you AND it makes you more attractive.....so try not to let your grief overwhelm you.
The good news is .... there definitely can be FORGIVENESS...it happens all the time. And trust can be rebuilt. Commit yourself to it. Prove yourself as a friend first. Be faithful to your word. Do what you say you're going to do.
Practically,
Pull back. Don't barrage him with your feelings....he knows you want him back, but he can't trust the reasons why you want him back.
Don't go completely dark. Don't be completely business. Be warm and open. Care about him. If he talks...you shut up and listen. If he asks you a question....you tell him honestly.
Pay your bills. If you need $$$, find it from someone else--family, girlfriend, not men... even if that's unfair. I don't know your situation, but if he thinks you just need him financially, it will take much longer to win his trust.
And fortify yourself....you can do this.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Thank you very much everyone for advice and wisdom. I truly appreciate it. I've been married for a little over 3 years. My H is 35, I'm 33, and there no kids involved.
My EA lasted around 4 months. I got involved in an EA for all the typical reasons most woman quote. The OM paid a lot of attention to me, just like my H did when we first met. It seemed as though the OM took a great interest in me as a person. He planned dates, spent his last $1 on me, and the sex was very passionate! However, I soon realized that the OM was abusive, very smothering, and controlling. Furthermore, after receiving D papers I quickly realized the OM was NOT worth loosing my marriage and yes I came out of the FOG!
I have begun to detach from the OM but it continues to be a struggle because he can't accept NO for answer. The more I detach, the more he chases me. Very similar to my deteriorating M. The more I long for my H, it seems as though he is running away from me.
I've done some of the 180 techniques and have gotten some success. At least he answers the phone when I call. In DB is talks about patience but as you can imagine I feel like I'm running out of time because of the D and the upcoming trial date in Feb.
To be painfully honest, I want to fight for my M and my H but don't no where to start or what to say anymore. He's said some pretty mean and nasty things to me in the past and the rejection hurts. I guess that's to be expected.
Thank you very much everyone for advice and wisdom. I truly appreciate it. I've been married for a little over 3 years. My H is 35, I'm 33, and there no kids involved.
My EA lasted around 4 months. I got involved in an EA for all the typical reasons most woman quote. The OM paid a lot of attention to me, just like my H did when we first met. It seemed as though the OM took a great interest in me as a person. He planned dates, spent his last $1 on me, and the sex was very passionate! However, I soon realized that the OM was abusive, very smothering, and controlling. Furthermore, after receiving D papers I quickly realized the OM was NOT worth loosing my marriage and yes I came out of the FOG!
I have begun to detach from the OM but it continues to be a struggle because he can't accept NO for answer. The more I detach, the more he chases me. Very similar to my deteriorating M. The more I long for my H, it seems as though he is running away from me.
I've done some of the 180 techniques and have gotten some success. At least he answers the phone when I call. In DB is talks about patience but as you can imagine I feel like I'm running out of time because of the D and the upcoming trial date in Feb.
To be painfully honest, I want to fight for my M and my H but don't no where to start or what to say anymore. He's said some pretty mean and nasty things to me in the past and the rejection hurts. I guess that's to be expected. _________________________
You going to have to write and send a No Contact letter to the OP.
Not a love letter.
A very simple letter that states that he is not to contact you any longer.
And if he does. It is called harrasment. You can go to the police about this. Protect yourself now from him.
If you want we can help you write out a no contact letter.
This is a very important step for you to take. As you will be telling yourself that it is over.
What he accepts or does not accept is not your problem. Your problem is you.
Stand strong on this. And grieve the loss of this affair. Please do not call it a relationship. Call it an affair. And its an EA/PA
The next thing you need to do is go completely dark on the OM. Get rid of any reminders of him.
Also you are going to need to rebuild the boat. So start the repairs right away. Start with close friends. Ask for support to help you heal. And be honest with them at all times.
Take ownership of your mistakes. They are yours and no one else. Do not shift Blame.
I commited adultery. I stepped out of the marriage. I have boundary issues with the oppositie sex. I have communication problems.
Perhaps IC can help you as well. But take ownership and then work on how you can 180 these problems into goals. Then break these goals down to smaller ones and work on improving yourself.
And how do you start to fight?
You come up with a plan. And you stick to it. You train hard.
And the past is the past. Learn your mistakes. And set yourself up for a life where you will no longer repeat them because you are becoming a better person from all of this.
This will be a hard path for you to follow. But you can do this if you have patience and you repair all those relationships with friends and family. For you will need their support through this as well.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Ok, Sasha. I have every intention of giving you an in-depth, thoughtful answer. I can't right this minute, but I want you to know I will be back as soon as I can.
For now know this: I was a cheater. My A nearly destroyed my marriage and me along with it. And I'm not done yet. I did everything wrong that you describe, with predictable results. It's time to try what works instead.
Don't lose hope!
My only warning is - you seem to be someone who puts faith in god/religion. I don't, so I can't address your issues from that perspective. Others here can help you with that part
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
Ok, as you may have already gathered from other posters, step 1 is to stop all contact with the ex-OM. If he calls, don’t answer; If he texts, delete without reading, same with e-mail. I suggest one single letter, preferably mailed with delivery confirmation (that way he can’t claim later he never got it) that explicitly states you want NO further contact. Explain that you know your relationship was inappropriate and that you will go to the police and file harassment charges if he does not leave you alone. If you want help, we’re all here for ya. Don’t “begin to detach,” tell him take a hike and mean it.
Do NOT give in to the “I can be his friend later” mindset. You cannot be his friend…ever. Just admit that and come to terms with it. Even if you are capable someday of that level of interaction (as opposed to the inappropriate level you have been at) you cannot do it. I made that mistake. Until I moved and got counseling, I was going over to my ex-OM’s and playing cards with him and his new gf. Wrong, wrong, wrong! Imagine what that must have been doing to my husband! This bridge is burned; let it be permanent.
IDK too much about divorce proceedings (yet), but do you have a lawyer? If not, get one. You may be able to stall the divorce, get court appointed counseling, something. A little help here someone who knows?
May I also suggest that you back away from ALL male friends and associates right now? I know this sounds punitive, but after this A, all men look like a threat to your H. Every phone call from a guy might be the next hookup, every luncheon is a new attachment. Explain politely to the men in your life that you are working on your marriage. If you are comfortable explain the situation further. If not, just tell them that you are developing yourself and your relationship with your husband for now and you would appreciate some space. Delete non-essential men from your life – facebook, myspace, phone, e-mail, whatever you can think of. I don’t want you to become a hermit, but you need to remove the potential red flags IMO.
Show your H a different you. Don’t pursue him, but be available to him. If there are specific times when he knew you would be with the OM find a creative way to let him find out you were on your own or with girlfriends. Be kind and patient. Even if your H does want you back (and I hope for you he does!), he is hurting. He might say some awful things. Let it go. Do not constantly berate yourself. Own your mistakes and bad choices and then choose to change. Looking back only allows us to trip again. Assess what you can do now.
You’ve been married a very short time. Not that it makes this easier, just an observation. It was around that point I said the “D” word to my H. I didn’t go through with it. Now almost three years later he’s the one who wants out because I thought everything was better. I’m hanging in there.
Btw, sorry for mistyping your screen name the first time.
undefeated 24 H 24 S's 4, 2, 1 M 5 yrs
"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all." ~Dale Carnegie
