As far as I see it not to allow them over there is in effect a ban but it sounds a lot softer. The rationale behind them not being allowed there is that their parents are still M and it sets a bad example to see their father with another woman. He may think that nothing is wrong but teens/children are impressionable and simply have been through enough already. Yes, he needs to spend time with them but in a proper environment.
About the food stamps...this is just another thing you will be able to look BACK on and note how far you have come. One day YOU may be helping someone and telling them that you made it!
You can handle it. And our prayers are with you...
Well crap - I was looking for a consequence but don't want to come across as controlling...Keeping them from his place would be ideal but I don't want to be a harsh b***h about it either...I want to be firm yet loving.
How about...
If you do ___decide to go through with seeing the older S and not the younger S________________________________________.
Then I will ___have to refrain from letting them come to your house however you will still be able to see them here at my house or in a public place.______________________________ (consequence).
Originally Posted By: kara
About the food stamps...this is just another thing you will be able to look BACK on and note how far you have come. One day YOU may be helping someone and telling them that you made it!
The FS still make me queasy but I know it is for my boys so for them I would sell a body part and as I keep telling myself "This is temporary"
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
I don't think that you come accross as controlling or harsh at all. But I would ask one of the guys to chime in to see how it sounds from a man's perspective...
How about
I am happy that you want to spend time with S____.S ______also misses you and will feel devastated if you only see S _______. Then continue as you set out above.
Just a thought. Let's see how the others feel.....
Serenity, Hi. Been off the forum basically for a while now (except last night a bit) and am catching up a little.
How are you?
Food stamps? Pffttt!!
That's what they're there for. Hey, a temporary assist, ain't no problem with that. Think of how many places and people we go to for temporary emotional, spiritual, physical, financial assists: friends, pastors, counselors, doctors, DB forum, etc.
You hold your head up high, Mama Bear!
I understand though. I'm sure I'd feel bad about it myself, at first... Until somebody who cared about me came along and said,
"Food stamps? Pfffttt!!"
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I am thrilled to see you back online - I hope work is going wonderfully for you! I did feel horribly this morning - The email from H, the FS, the crap from older S this past weekend - Satan is out and about my friend that is for sure. You are all correct about the FS however I will say this, I have never been more humbled in my life!
Now as a man - I need your opinion on my boundary email - I have to send it later on and I can't get the wording right without coming across as controlling and bitter... Trying to come across as loving but detached. Coach Bless him has been a great help in the form letter he gave me but the consequence portion isn't coming out right. I would flag down Puppy however he is MIA for now and I know he needed a break badly.
Going to check out your sitch and see what you have been up to.
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
Give me your best shot (but be nice please) on this boundary setting email -
Remember as Coach stated I have to play hardball now so I don't want to come across as weak.
Not using boundary-setting wording, here, but my take: 1)While they are minors and in my care, they would not be going to stay with H and OW, ever. 2)I would insist he see them as a "package deal" or not at all, for now. Until I'm satisfied that they are receiving equal attention from their father and one is no longer being purposefully slighted and hurt. Period. 3)No discussions about visiting are to be had with S without discussing with me first.
Oh, my. I was supposed to help, but I think I just gave you two more to write, instead.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Here is what I have...Feel free to chime in on what needs to be changed since I won't be sending it until tomorrow.
Dear H,
Until I'm satisfied that both boys are receiving equal attention from you and one is no longer being purposefully slighted and hurt, I don't feel comfortable with this arrangment.
I feel hurt and angry when you chose to see C over N. While I wouldn't keep either from you, you need to know that N also misses you and will feel devastated if you only see C.
As their Father both the boys need to spend time with you. You know how I feel about the boys being around M (OW) and letting the boys around your mistress is disrespectful to them, me and reflects poorly on you as a man and Father.
If you won't agree to to keeping them away from her then I cannot condone them spending time with you.
In the future, I would appreciate you talking to me and not C about him visiting you.
If you continue to pick C over N, then the next step will be custody arrangements filed in court.
Serenity
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
