Okay. So I screwed up last night. I don’t know if it was because of the upcoming holiday, the loneliness, the need to speak with H, etc. It doesn't really matter as all of these things are just excuses. To sum it all up, I lacked self-discipline and initiated an R talk with H. I ended up asking him things that he couldn’t or didn’t want to answer. And for those questions that he did answer were straight from the WAS script. H sees no future for us. He doesn't see the need to explore other options beside D. Mostly in part because he is afraid any changes that are implemented won't stick. Blah.Blah.Blah. I remained calm the entire time, but kept pushing H as he became increasingly upset. I am not proud of what I did. I don’t know what I expected to happen. 2x4‘s are not necessary as I know my actions certainly didn’t help my cause.
With that said, I am done. I am done. I am done. I done in the sense that I don't have the willpower or strength to deal with this anymore. My attitude right now is 'whatever'. I can't even fathom the idea of being even remotely attracted to him inside or out. Let alone the fact that 9 years ago I thought it would be a good idea to marry him.
I will not be initiating any mediation but know it is forthcoming from H. For any of you that have been through mediation, any advice you could offer in finding the right mediator would be appreciated? What interview questions should I ask?
Me & H: 33 yrs S: 4 & 6 D: 2 M: 9 yrs ILYBNILWY: 8/09 SEPARATED: 9/09 The Beginning
