Thanks for checking in. I had a good time. It was a chance for me to dress up. I felt good about myself.
Mostly played with the kids and kept them out of trouble. I didn't speak to H other than to say Hi. He made a few comments here and there, but I didn't engage in much conversation with him. Not much else to report about last night.
H has the kids this weekend so I just called him to see if I could take the kids to church with me tomorrow morning and then to the Church Christmas in a Barn production tomorrow afternoon. It is a fun family Christmas affair. Do you think it would be a good idea to invite H to come with us to the afternoon performance? Pursuing?
Me & H: 33 yrs S: 4 & 6 D: 2 M: 9 yrs ILYBNILWY: 8/09 SEPARATED: 9/09 The Beginning
Okay. So I screwed up last night. I don’t know if it was because of the upcoming holiday, the loneliness, the need to speak with H, etc. It doesn't really matter as all of these things are just excuses. To sum it all up, I lacked self-discipline and initiated an R talk with H. I ended up asking him things that he couldn’t or didn’t want to answer. And for those questions that he did answer were straight from the WAS script. H sees no future for us. He doesn't see the need to explore other options beside D. Mostly in part because he is afraid any changes that are implemented won't stick. Blah.Blah.Blah. I remained calm the entire time, but kept pushing H as he became increasingly upset. I am not proud of what I did. I don’t know what I expected to happen. 2x4‘s are not necessary as I know my actions certainly didn’t help my cause.
With that said, I am done. I am done. I am done. I done in the sense that I don't have the willpower or strength to deal with this anymore. My attitude right now is 'whatever'. I can't even fathom the idea of being even remotely attracted to him inside or out. Let alone the fact that 9 years ago I thought it would be a good idea to marry him.
I will not be initiating any mediation but know it is forthcoming from H. For any of you that have been through mediation, any advice you could offer in finding the right mediator would be appreciated? What interview questions should I ask?
Me & H: 33 yrs S: 4 & 6 D: 2 M: 9 yrs ILYBNILWY: 8/09 SEPARATED: 9/09 The Beginning
First, don't beat yourself up. We all make mistakes. Just don't do it again, or I'll have to get my big stick out.
Ok. Are you done? Why? Because he pi$$ed you off or hurt you? Really think about this b/c if your "doneness" is the result of emotion, it won't last. Take some time to think it through. If you are done, that's ok. Just make it be for the right reason.
And if you are done, take the lead and start taking apart the M. Not what you want, but you will have control of what happens rather than this:
Quote:
I will not be initiating any mediation but know it is forthcoming from H.
Ok. Are you done? Why? Because he pi$$ed you off or hurt you? Really think about this b/c if your "doneness" is the result of emotion, it won't last. Take some time to think it through. If you are done, that's ok. Just make it be for the right reason.
Why? Because I have seen no change, no progress one way or the other. Frustration is the main reason. I was not hurt or angered by what he had to say last night. I had heard it all before. Just extremely disappointed that he can't see things clearly. Or maybe it is the other way around. Maybe I am the one that can't see things clearly.
I just want to be done hurting.
Me & H: 33 yrs S: 4 & 6 D: 2 M: 9 yrs ILYBNILWY: 8/09 SEPARATED: 9/09 The Beginning
Understand that I'm not trying to talk you out of this. I just want you to be grounded in the strength that can only come from reasoned thought. Just take a day or two to think it through. You may very well be done. And that's ok. In fact, if it is because of a reasoned decision, it's a good thing.
There is not wrong answer. I just want you to be as strong as possible going forward, and I see this as an important part of the decision.
