Never thought I'd

[williaij]

Wednesday 12/16/09 my wife said that our marriage is dead. She wants a D. She told me this and I was like where did this come from? After finding this site I now have a name for it WAW. We have tried marriage counseling and other programs for the past two years. She said she is done trying. I know that we were having problems but I felt that the amount of stresses that we have been dealing with it was no wonder.

Anyway, when she first told me I thought that I would need to move out and that is what she wants. After reading some of the posts, I was wondering if I should just stay. I know that she considers herself the primary caretaker for our S almost 3, but right now she can’t take care of him because of her back. She has the option of moving in with her parents but I think that I should insist that our S stay with me and she can stay or go. What do you all think?
She has seen a lawyer for initial consultation. Should I too?

Just a brief background:
I have been married for ten years. About 6 years ago my W was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Before the diagnosis she was functioning for a few hours a day. At the time I had a job that was flexible and could schedule my time to help her. Due to losing half of our income and increasing medical expenses we were forced to declare bankruptcy. She was declared disabled shortly after declaring bankruptcy. We then moved into my parents FL for a year to regroup and then a year later moved near her parents in SC. I got a teaching job 08/06 and we had our son 12/30/06. He has dietary issues and is on a very restrictive diet. She has been in 2 car accidents 07/08 and 11/09 which have resulted in a bulging disc. She also had a miscarriage 09/09. After three years of teaching I got a job as an assistant principal.
Thanks,

williaij

[Coach]

Will, You have your hands full before the bomb, sorry you are here but it's the place to be.

So your wife has no job, is disabled, can't care for your son, and wants to D you? Any issues presented by her? She has been thru the wringer, do you think you is trying to push you away so you have a "better" wife? Is she depressed?

Read other sitches, do your homework, have a open mind, try new things and do the work.


Cheers
Coach

[williaij]

"So your wife has no job, is disabled, can't care for your son, and wants to D you? Any issues presented by her?

She feels that I haven't been there for her lately. I admit that during her miscarriage (at 2 months) I didn't fully understand what she was feeling and wasn't being helpful. I have taken about 10 days off this school year to help her when she hasn't felt well or when my son has been sick but last week I couldn't take off. She stayed with her parents over the previous weekend and I had our son at our home. He doesn't leave her alone when she is sick and I thought she might get better rest at her folks (her dad is out of work). He stayed with them on Monday the day that I had a special program at work. Was at work form 7:00AM until 10PM and was getting sick. Went home and couldn't sleep (about 2 hours). On Tuesday at work had an incident where I had to restrain a child and got overruled on something else by my boss she called in the middle of this. I took the call and she told me of all of the things I needed to do after work and I suggested that I needed a nap (she hung-up on me). I did not get to tell her what I had been thru that day. That evening I brought her home and she said that her parents told her to come home and that W and S were my responsibility. On Wednesday I arranged for a friend (retried) to help watch them and that morning my FIL came to my work and said some very choice words to me. I left work and went to our friends house. Later that day we saw our pastor and that is where she shared that our M was dead.

"She has been thru the wringer, do you think you is trying to push you away so you have a "better" wife? Is she depressed"

No I don't get that from her. Both of us have dealt w/ depression

williaij

[Greek]

I have your job, Will, so I KNOW how stressful your day is. On top of that, you have a medically dependent W and child, money problems and you communicate like a man (no offense). Y'all need to stop the bleeding on this thing, regroup and make a peaceful life.

You should be on Christmas break now, right? Sit down, map some plans out on paper that will address how to help your W with her family responsibilities while she is unwell. Then execute on them. Show her that you SEE HER STRUGGLE and as her partner in running this family, you will step up and assist her in her time of need.

I don't think she is trying to push you away so you can have better. I think it is more likely she doesn't think YOU will ever be BETTER for her. But you can change that impression, Will.

Use this Christmas break to sort through this. Don't you go up to that school and work!

Greek

[williaij]

Greek

We had a trip planned to FL for the holidays. She decided to stay with her parents. I have my son since he doesn't get to see his G-parents much. Can I do the things that you suggest w/o W? She doesn't want to talk to me right now. I have been having our son talk with her each night before bed so that he can tell her about his day.

Not even thinking about work right now.

[Ready2Change]

Anyway, when she first told me I thought that I would need to move out and that is what she wants. After reading some of the posts, I was wondering if I should just stay.

Do you want to be married to her? If the answer is yes, then stay. The person that wants out of the marriage can choose to leave the house/bedroom etc....

I think that I should insist that our S stay with me and she can stay or go. What do you all think?

Yes the child should stay in YOUR house. Let W leave the family if she needs to. Do not stand in her way. I am glad I did not let my W take my kids out of my house.

She has seen a lawyer for initial consultation. Should I too?

YES. Get informed on everything you can. Go in with a list of questions. See more than one lawyer.

[Greek]

EVEN BETTER, Will! You get some time away from her, away from the environment in question, to really soul search, to really reflect and to really BRAINSTORM on how you can partner up with your W and work through the difficulties! I think the timing is great for the FL trip.

"W, I'm going to miss you while we're gone. I have decided to use that time to brainstorm and write out some plans for how we can turn this ship around. When I get home, I would like to take you to lunch at 'xyz favorite place' and hear your thoughts on these ideas. I'd also like to hear your suggestions at that time. Your opinion matters to me."

Greek

[williaij]

Ready2Change

Thanks for your POV. Any suggestions for questions to ask? Or other posts/threads to read about it?


williaij

[williaij]

Greek

Thanks. She is on the road today and tomorrow but I will talk with her this week about it.

williaij

[williaij]

Hey talked with W this evening and asked her to lunch when she returns from her trip on the 2nd. She said yes but wanted to know about our S. She also made a statement that I am trying to ignore. "I was hoping to do that before you left." (She told me that she felt our marriage was over Wednesday eve. and wanted to talk by Saturday Morning before I left) I said that I would make sure that we have someone to watch him. Her response was "in SC"? This is about the 4th time she has asked if he was returning to SC. Is there anything that I can say so she realizes that I am coming back with my S? I would never keep them apart she is a great mother under regular circumstances.
Also her older brother is going to be in FL starting tomorrow. He would like to see our S. I know that it will be awkward but do you think that I should say yes. He has a Christmas present for S.

I am also trying to balance the post from Ready about having her move out instead of me leaving. Can't see where talking with her and asking her to decide between moving out and staying. Just lost.