Reclaiming my masculinity and learning to like myself has become my number goal, even ahead of saving the M. The fact is, I don't want to go back to that M, I want a new M where I am much healthier as a man. Read "no more mr. Nice guy" if you haven't already. It has been eye opening for me.
Well, I feel like I am repeating myself so I hope I don't burn anyone out. What you see as you being shy, she may have become bored with that by now. I thought my H was cute and shy and all of that....but when I got older, I wanted him to be more agressive when ML. Maybe she has changed some old ideas & likes.
On your first post, you told that she had admitted to cheating and had left for her to have space....then came back, & has been in this stage about ever since. My question is......did she have to face any consequences b/c of her cheating?
If she did not have to to deal with any consequences and you welcomed her back home with forgiving arms (or ...you pleaded with her to come back) then that is not good. Did she ever apologize?
I still say that her biggest problem is that she does not respect you. I'm not sure you are seeing what I've tried to explain. You don't have to be a some kind of low-life person in order for her to feel disrespect. I mean, she feels turned off sexually b/c you do not measure up to what she wants in a man. Sorry for having to be so plain spoken, but don't know how to make it any more clear. You are continuing to be passive b/c you are (by your own words) afraid of pushing her out the door.
You keep asking what you can do to change her feeling like you are her brother.....and I keep telling you, but you are too afraid. Your passive fear will be what makes her walk out the door.......not standing up and being a man.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi...yes it seems like we are where we were before she left Oct 1. She returned Oct 13. She did appologize and said she really wanted to try to work things out. For a few weeks she seemed upbeat and happy, then back the way things were. No she did not have to face any consequences. I made the mistake of accepting her back without any. I KNOW Now this was a mistake. I believe you that she is not respecting me. A while back she made it clear for me to be more aggressive, more experimental. For over a year i've been Very aggressive and open to variation ,BUT...she seems to be the low desire one. But i tried and tried . Somehow she got it in her head that i was not sincere in my efforts and was not PASSIONATE for her. This is not true. I came out of my comfort zone big time but she claims not to be able to turn it on like the "flip " of a switch. Seems i'm damned if i do, and damned if i don't. When she came back Oct 13, she said she thinks that maybe she is "sabotaging" the relationship because deep down she feels she doesn't deserve me. She was abused as a teen by more than one of her late mother's boyfriends but she refuses to discuss this with a professional. I know this is beyond the scope of this site, but you can understand my frustration. Today she was playful and even talked dirty on the phone in a somewhat joking manner , but this confuses me. I really don't believe that she is playing with my heart and emotions, but maybe she is unintentionally.? i'm venting and rambling but you guys said that's ok on this site. Some of the advice has been similar to your's but in a more harsh manner. We have never really spoken nor acted harshly to one another. I know..try to be different, but i AM scared and confused. thanks for listening
Feel the feelings you have to feel. Everything is natural. You are not rambling you are getting your feelings out and that's a good thing. That's what you're here for. Keep at it!
M: 31 H: 29 Married: 6 yrs Children : 7yr old, 5yr old, 2yr old
Separated: Sept. '09 Moved Back In for wrong reasons: Nov. 30, 09 Recomitted to our Marriage: Jan. 25, 10 Threatening to leave again: July,14
We have never really spoken nor acted harshly to one another. I know..try to be different, but i AM scared and confused.
So, has she talked, or hinted, that she wanted you to be "rough" with her when ML? I am talking about acting out......as if you were abusing her? Oh.....IDK, this sounds like something for professionals. It seems that she would want totally opposite, but we never know and that's why some abuse cases need guidance for a long time down the road.
I can understand you getting confused by different POV. I think if you feel confident in the DBing, then you need to stick to the DR book and this board. We may have different POV about some issues....but I think everyone comes together on the basic viewpoints.
I keep going back to the fear factor b/c until you can overcome that.......I don't think you'll see much change. Another thing that seems to come across is that you tend to "wait" for "her" to lead in most things. Even if you were willing to get out of your comfort zone......do you think she was still the one that was in charge?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
no never rough, per se. but she does like to be talked to while ML.Yes i need to overcome that fear!And yes , i am reactive to her many times. But right now, it seems that the advice is not to try anything but to be unavailable? She seems to vacillate .I'm asking my higher power for the strength. And maybe some of the positive energy from the kind folks here will lift me.
I'm asking my higher power for the strength. And maybe some of the positive energy from the kind folks here will lift me.
You have the strength already, you don't realize it yet but you will! Keep posting, the folks on this forum will be here to guide you and help lift your spirits on the inevitable bad days.
