K4D It's a Wonderful Life

[Startingover2]

No expectations.

[K4D]

No expectations.

I know. I have to keep myself in check on that one.

Thanks SO2,

Kevin

[K4D]

Don't get me wrong. I am going to try and enjoy Christmas as well regardless of the outcome. I know what yall are saying. I am not missing yall's point. I am just also taking a gamble and praying for a turning point as part of it. I will enjoy Christmas none the less though.

Kevin

[K4D]

I just need to step back, do the best I can, don't go overboard, and enjoy Christmas with my kids this week, and make it special for them. Let the rest fall into place where ever it falls.

Yall are right. I was starting to go overboard in my mind with everything and I am going to blow it if I don't just slow down and take a step back.

Kevin

[jon2911]

[quote=CityGirl]
So often (in most cases I think and certainly in my own experience) the WAS wants the perks of marriage and family when it is obligatory (holiday, b-day or they need help/support) but when they don't want it, they just blow you off. It is of my opinion (and yes, we all have opinions) that so many LBS's block their own healing and forward movement when they allow the WAS to have the perks of marriage and family when they choose. Your W has opted out of the perks of a marriage and in tact family on a full time basis so when she is included she should be treated with the same courtesy you would treat any other random guests but not doted on or coddled as a spouse.

I've got to disagree with this, especially the last part, but I'm open to discussion about where you're coming from CG. There's a lot of consternation about "cake-eating" here on the boards, but I don't recall anything in MWD's books or articles that has this perspective. In fact, it seems to be the opposite:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_while_spouse_decides.htm

Dealing with a WAS is like dealing with a schizophrenic person. Sometimes they want to act like a spouse, sometimes not. Birthdays, holidays, weddings, these definitely cause them to start missing us, which I don't think is a bad thing.

And statements like "clean your house, Kev, for YOU", I understand what you're trying to say, but as a guy I could give a crap if my house is perfect, and neither could my friends. It's only when a woman is involved that we start to care. Part of the whole problem? Maybe, but just reality.

I really think this is progress for Kev's wife. She hasn't filed for D, and they'll be together at Christmas. Do all the things you're planning Kev, she WILL notice, and even if she doesn't stay with you, they'll help with another woman down the line. That, to me, is the essence of DBing.

[K4D]

I really think this is progress for Kev's wife. She hasn't filed for D, and they'll be together at Christmas. Do all the things you're planning Kev, she WILL notice, and even if she doesn't stay with you, they'll help with another woman down the line. That, to me, is the essence of DBing.

Thanks Jon,

In a lot of ways it is progress compared to where we have been the past 15 months. In some ways, ya, she is still moving forward, but the tones of things are changing to an extent. It is a long slow process. Patience and faith are the biggest factors.

Kevin

[25yearsmlc]

The "contrast with positive images of what could be, with what she has..." please remember that. And how different you are now, so that M to you now would be different and better of course. So, NO neediness and no clinging and no over excitement = expectations from K4...nope.

K4 is Just an upbeat father who LOVES his kids and Christmas AND is FUN to be around (but not a teenager) and happy and HAS A life and friends and interests and is a good catch...Okay? Nothing to notice or comment about or seethe about, with how SHE seems or acts or what she says or does or whatever. You do NOT notice that on the day.B/C You're too busy having a blast! It's the NEW K4!

And you are right to step back & BREATHE...relax...relax so everyone around you can do the same. If you can't relax, you won't have or be fun. So do it Kevin....relax. Take deep breaths (without showing them) and enjoy this holiday. That's the goal. Not reconciling or having a miracle or planting a seed...nope. Having a relaxed holiday without a scene, is the goal. What springs from that is not for us to know yet. But keep your expectations and hopes at a healthy productive level.It's the only way this works. Good luck!

Gotta go,
j-

[K4D]

Thanks 25. I will and I appreciate it.

Kevin

[CityGirl]

Maybe I just hang around different kinds of men that have pride in their surroundings and *do* give a crap if it's a mess. I am not really sure why it's even worth mentioning. Not *all* men are the same.

I was simply pointing out that nobody's idea of perfection is exactly the same. If Kevin is pleased with how his house looks then he need not worry if others view it as perfect. Striving to meet another individuals idea of perfection adds a ton of pressure and right now Kevin does not need pressure as he seems to crumble when the pressure mounts.

The key to DB'ing is to do what works and stop what does not work. And thus far Kevin has hoped and tried to turn things around and so far that has not happened and there is little indication it will. So, still being the same Kevin has not caused his W to take pause. I am simply stating my opinion of course. While I understand what he is trying to do I simply disagree with it as I don't feel he is able to manage his expectations, excitement when his W throws him a tiny bone or be able to avoid the feelings of total devastation when things don't pan out as he hopes.

I don't know your situation, Jon but what I do know... FOR ME is that I will never advise anybody to go out of their way for a WAS who is still sleeping with other people. Hence the reason I said treat the WAS with kindness and civility but nothing more than you would treat any other human being you have contact with. Especially when a year, year and a half or two years pass.

I came back to this thread because Kevin asked me to. Anybody is welcome to cherry pick the ideas, advice or opinions that are stated and pluck out what they think might be useful.

[K4D]

CG,

First, let me again thank you for coming back.

I know what you are saying about how you would treat people sleeping around such as your H. And I understand why you are saying it and I totally understand your feelings about why you are saying it and have come to that conclusion. I also see the results it generates with your H regretting many times his still current decisions. What you have been doing has definitely had an affect there.

I also understand what you are saying about me crumbling when W throws me a crumb or being devastated when things have gone the complete opposite of what I have prayed and hoped for. But I have been working to try and change that. And in a lot of ways I have succeeded. I am a different person in front of W now than I used to be which you can see from my first few posts on this board. Ok, emotionally, I am still weak at times inside. But I don't reflect it outside at all like I used to. I have a firm control over that in front of my W. And patience, my gosh I have to have patience to have made it this long and still keep trying to give it every chance for W to reconsider. Truth be told, There is a decent chance I have the escape clause as far as a true valid annulment goes if I wanted to pursue it without it weighing on my concious from talking to my priest.

But that isn't my goal. That isn't what my kids want. And I am trying to stick this out every possible way until there is no way left to stick it out. My goal was to be married for life. And yes, while I made enough mistakes to warrant her at least wanting to be separated until my crap was in gear, I still have every intention of giving it my best shot to redeem this whole M. I would love for nothing more than to be able to look back and say I did it, and we did it and others can do it to.

So I have to take my opportunities that be very few and far between and try to make the best out of each one hoping each one leads to putting one small lego on the next.

Believe me, I have thought over everything you have told me and I fully intend to utilize some of it. Maybe not all of it. But definitely some of it. I think that is kind of the whole thing with these boards. You take some of the best advice that best applies to you and your goals and utilize it and make the best of it. You can't take all the advice on here or you would be spinning your head forever. But you and 25, and Jon and Wifey, and Coach and the list goes on offer so much good advice, and I am trying to put into play the parts that hopefully fit me and my sitch best.

So based off what you said, I probably will not go to all lenths to make the place as perfect as my W would like hers to be. It will look good, that is good enough. I actually needed to hear that from you. That was good advice.

As far as how to treat her, again, good advice. But I will engage her in some conversation as what would be the point of having her over and not? I just will make sure I don't overdue it and mainly focus on the kids and everyone and having a good time.

So I appreciate what you and everyone else is saying and it is great advice that I will be applying bits and pieces from everyone.

Kevin