Thanks PDT. Danm straight. What I was doing wasn't working, wasn't going to work and I was losing myself in the process. I have made a stand. It now looks like it has worked.
W called. The A is over. She is complying. Time will tell.
No, a no-contact letter, and a good solid transparency plan, will tell.
Have you asked her if she's willing to do this? If she balks, you'll know she's FOS.
For the most part I have maintained my composure since my revelations. I have listened to my wife discuss her situation dealing with the death of a loved one. She is coping with a massive amount of grief. I have always known this, she is only now coming to terms with it.
Last night, she said she could not stand the tension. SHe is resentful of me walking around like there is nothing wrong. I told her that there are many things wrong but I have to move forward. She wanted to discuss possible seperation as a basis for rebuilding our R. I reiterated to her that I have some fresh wounds and was not capable of discussing how I intended to proceed. I also told her that I would have a wife who showed me love, respect and affection. Maybe it would be her, maybe not.
Mainly, I tried to stay centered and focused on listening to the issues she is responsible for. (BTW, she got extremely angry when I said that negative emotions often seek an external target and I am not responsible for doing her work.) I did do some back slidding by exibiting some anger, but I did only find verification of the A three days ago. So, my feelings got the better of me. But she acknowledged that I had been listening to her even though she was so angry.
I mentioned IC for her this morning for her issues. She resisted in an absurdly abusive manner. Later, she begrudingly admitted she made an appointment.
I think I am getting two things: anger and compliance. I am also noticing a lot of depression. She is just seething with hostility. She threatened today to skip the holiday with my family. I told her we are a family and I believe she should go. Maybe I should have said, do whatever you want. But then I run the risk of getting the 'see, you don't even care about me' speech.
Where to next guys? I am working late tonight to avoid being trapped.
Sure could use some input. She is showing interest in me and respect for my boundries. Friday, she called and asked if we could Christmas Shop togather for the kids, I agreed. I was pleasant, charming and humerous. I caught her laughing at my jokes. And, she saw a stranger seek me out and show genuine respect for me. This impressed her. I played it cool, but this was a blessing from God. Saturday, we went to CHristmas at my parents. My attention was on the kids. She was depressed and slept for two hours in the middle of the day! Then, when she got up, I was outside engaged in a manly activity, she asked me to go for a walk with her! I agreed. The next morning, I got up and went for an early walk without her. When I returned, she was visibly shaken. The rest of the day she was distant. I kept my distance too. I think I am seeing some results.I am still hurting as the A was only blown up one week ago.
I want to keep my momentum going. I am blocking thoughts about her problems and focusing on myself and changes in me. I sure could use the advise of you experienced folks.
Yes, I have asked her and checked her phone and email. I am not going to ask everyday though and I obviously cannot be with her every minute.
Her down moods are probably her mourning the OM, hate to say that but it's there. There is a book called "After the Affair" that you should check out.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Coach, thank you so much for stopping by my thread. I really value and respect your advice.
I think she is grieving the loss. I understand that she will need to process those feelings of withdrawal. Of course, I am keeping a weathered eye out too! I also think that she is starting to need me again abit. This weekend, I made it a point to be occupied, spending much time with the kids and in my own interests. As I mentioned, several times this weekend she sought out my company.I was also conspicuously absent for a time! I must pat myself on the back here for simply being present with her and not hanging around waiting for her to need me.
My questions for the experienced dbers is this: Do I now move forward with setting a boundry that she agree to work on our M or do I give her a bit of time here? Here is some more information: Last week was tense at best. She said a couple of times that she did not know how to work on our M. She has stopped D talk(when I told her that I was considering it in light of the relevations)(Her, "We aren't going to get a divorce because of OM." Me, "We may from my perspective. This is a fresh wound for me. I have some decisions to make here. But in the meantime, we are married therefore(boundries reiterated." Also, during this conversation I told her she was free to move out.) The next day, she changed tact, opting for discussion of S in the future at some point as a means for us to work on our R. She has said a couple of times that she doesn't know how to work on our R. Once, I told her that I knew what to do. My belief is I have a three step 1) End the A; 2) w gets IC(she says she has an appt in January); 3) then, we go from there(avoiding suggesting MC, but step 3 involves effective MC with a new MC.) Her response was that she hated it when I said I knew what to do because she did not know what to do for her.
So, what do you guys think? I am evidencing some big changes in myself,I am showing confidence, self respect and assertiveness. Also, it seems I am getting some movement back toward the R and certainly away from D. Do I continue to show my strong hand but once she brings up our R, then assert a future boundry about reconsiliation?
She could probably be coming to terms with what she did and how it almost cost her marriage, hence the shaken up-thing.
Thanks sol. Good one! Think so? She is the type of person who carries a massive amount of guilt about everything she ever did in her life. There are times I think, 'God, I feel so bad for her'. Other times, weaker moments, I think, 'Why doen't she feel worse.' I have decided my mantra now is to "give to what is good" In other words, I am going to feed only the positive, self building and relationsip building thoughts, and starve the negative, resentment building thoughts. Hence, "give to what is good" What do you think I should do next?
That's wonderful (no pun intended).