38 years & I need physical connection with my wife

[Young at Heart]

I am posting an update on my situation. Posting here is very therapeutic for me, even if it is a bit long. I apologize for the length.

We had agreed to have our discussion on the books the Sex Starved Marriage and The Five Languages of Love on Saturday afternoon. My LD wife had a work related party that she had to go to and that she wanted me to attend on Saturday evening. So Saturday, she told me that she would not be able to have enough time to meaningfully discuss the books and to get ready and leave in time for her work related party. She asked if we could delay the discussion until Sunday when we get back from a movie we were seeing with another couple. I said that we could delay things one day.

I gave her some time after we got back from the movie on Sunday and then told her it was time to discuss the books. She started off by criticism of my language as being too ominous and critical. I let that go.

She then told me she had only read one book. I told her I was disappointed. I feel that she then tried to pick an argument over my feeling of disappointment. I explained to her why I felt we were going to discuss two books and she told me she had not promised any such thing. She then told me that I looked hurt and disappointed and that wasn’t fair. I told her that I was disappointed because the typical four phases of SSM recovery (thank you Bagheera) are: (1) heal yourself, (2) Learn to meet your spouse’s needs, (3) get your spouse on board, and finally (4) work together to fix your marriage. I told her that I feel that I have started down the path to the first two and that her telling me that she had wanted to read the books I was reading and discuss them with me was the third phase (i.e. her getting on board) and that these discussions of the books were the working together process. When she had not lived up to what she suggested, I saw this as her not working to save our marriage. I reminded her that I am changing and that I am reading these books to change myself and to incorporate good ideas into our marriage. I also said that I have a timetable for my changes. I said that I am working to be a complete and happy person with a satisfying sex life by January of 2011.

She then proceeded to taunt me that if she had read one book wasn’t that a positive and shouldn’t I look on things a better. I pondered if this was a fight that I really wanted to have with her or if I wanted to try to move forward. I opted for moving forward.

We discussed the book “The Sex Starved Marriage” and she had really read it and understood it. I asked her what specific things she had taken out of the book that she could implement to improve our marriage relationship. She said she understood that she had hurt me. I asked her what changes she saw incorporating into our marriage. She said that she now understands that she withdrew from our relationship, when I withdrew and she should not have done that. She also pointed out a number of things she felt I had done wrong in the past. I decided not to get sucked into a fight. I asked her what she thought about the physical reasons, emotional reasons and mental reasons associated with low libido. She said that she had body self-image issues and that as the adult child of two alcoholic parents she has a pattern of withdrawing from confrontation. She told me that she needed intimacy and closeness prior to having intercourse and that the Nike (Just Do it) approach would not work for her.

She further accused me of trying to create a power struggle to dominate her into doing what I wanted. I feel that she was both trying to pick fights and trying to challenge boundaries. I told her that there was only one thing I was going to force her to do and that I understood I can only change myself and not force her to do what I want. The one thing I insisted on was that she sees a medical doctor who specialized in women’s health and sexual issues. I told her I would give her the website and expected her to make an appointment. She then challenged boundaries again and asked if she could choose a different doctor. I said fine, but that she had to see a doctor, talk about her libido, get her hormone levels checked by blood work and discuss any painful intercourse, vaginal dryness and her UTI’s with the doctor. She said that because of the oils and gel’s we used that lubrication isn’t a problem. (Later she actually checked out the website for the doctor and printed out the new patient information requirements and questionnaire.)

She also said that she might not be able to change her libido and could I live with not having the sex I wanted. I explained that it was the sex and touching that I needed to feel loved. I reminded her that it has been nearly five months since we last had sex. I also told her for the first time that the association of sex and rejection from her had gotten so ingrained before I stopped having sex with her that there were several times last summer that I faked orgasms just to have the sex end and be able to go to sleep. I then said that I wasn’t sure if I can open up to her enough to get past my fear of rejection to have sex with her again starting in January. I reminded her that I had offered an absolute two-month sexual sabbatical so that she would be free to touch me without fearing that it would lead to sex and that she has not yet touched me in a vigorous way that would lead to a release of endorphins. I reminded her that the book “Hold Me Tight” by Sue Johnson talked about how pair bonding requires such chemical releases and that being touched is a basic human need. I said that before I will be able to open up to her and have sex with her again, I need to be convinced that things will be different and that is why I had hoped she would have used the two months that will be up in a week to explore touching me. She said that she was showing me more signs of affection and I should be satisfied with that. I acknowledged that I was impressed and pleased that she was showing me more signs of affection, but our marriage was at a crisis point.

I said that I had thought a lot about that question of hers on how I could deal with truly different levels of desire and felt that there were some non-sex things she could do that I could accept as either sex-like or touching that would augment a libido difference between us once our sex life was established again.

She wanted to know what I meant, so I explained that I had purchased some books and videos on couples massage. I also explained that vigorous vaginal intercourse with her bruises my penis so that at most I want vigorous vaginal intercourse at most once every other day. I said that on other days hugging, kissing, or a massage that releases endorphins and makes me feel loved would be a good way for me to get the love I need without her having to feel like we are constantly having sexual intercourse.

She said that in the SSM book that it talks about the high desire partner masturbating as a way of getting the sexual release they need. I explained that yes I have been masturbating and that I felt that could be a way of meeting my sexual desires, but that I would want it to be something that we did together and not something I did alone and in shame. I said that if she kissed me and hugged me or talked to me as I masturbated then that could be a sex-like thing that could be added to our marriage that would not require her to touch me in a sexual way and help balance the difference between our libidos. She said that might be too intimate for her to deal with.

I reminded her that she had said she needs intimacy and closeness prior to having intercourse. I then discussed some of the concepts of intimacy and exercises (hugging till relaxed and eyes open sex) to gain intimacy in the Passionate Marriage book. I explained that they fascinated me and that the Passionate Marriage book concepts also scared me. I offered her the book to read. She said she would not be able to do those kinds of things and so she doesn’t want that book. I said that the PM concept was sort of a nuclear and last chance kind of program for a failing marriage. I said that there were other approaches and marriage counselors I had been researching. She said that she would go to a marriage counselor with me if we didn’t make progress. I found that very encouraging.

I also discussed the book by Chapman the Five Languages of Love (that we were also suppose to have discussed today) and why that was a significant book for me in understanding our relationship and had helped me see what my LD wife needed, as well as, helped me better understand our relationship and how I had hurt her. She then said that we can discuss the next book in a week.

I said fine, and asked if she would agree to discuss a book a week. She panicked and said no! She would try to do a book a week, but did not be held to any frequency of books. I then asked if we should schedule a time to talk each week. She said that would be good and that this discussion and last week’s discussion had helped her. I then asked about what would be a good time next week to schedule our talk.

She proceeded to tell me that she couldn’t set a time as she didn’t know when or if our two sons would be staying with us overnight for Christmas or New Year’s Eve. I told her that I wanted some agreement. She then brought up the power struggle issue again. I told her that I can only change myself and I understand that I cannot force change upon her. I gave up and said she was now in charge of setting the times for the talks and if she would read a book or not. I only asked her to be very clear with me on scheduling things in advance and letting me know which book she would talk about. She panicked again and said if she didn’t keep up, I was to call her on this and reestablish a schedule. I feel that the whole discussion helped move our relationship forward but that she was trying to pick fights and testing my resolve regarding boundaries the entire time. I wish that I hadn’t turned timing control over to her at the end, as I think she needs boundaries and was testing to see if I had boundaries.

I now expect that she will probably test boundaries again and that I will have to call her out to set the next discussion and make sure that she has read the next book. I think that I need to review No More Mr. Nice Guy prior to our next discussion and be a little more firm in my boundaries.

I feel like while she wants to save this marriage, she will be dragged kicking and screaming down the path until things finally click inside her brain. Hopefully she will have an understanding of herself and what she needs to do sooner rather than later.