Right now my moods are rapid-cycling through the stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
Ten days ago I signed the papers and gave my L the go ahead to file. Copies of the filing were couriered here and arrived last Friday. When I got them, reality sunk in. I was emotionally withdrawn (not the 4C's) when I handed Mrs Gno her copy.
Basically the conversation went along the lines of "Here, this is what you wanted. I hope you're happy." I wasn't cold or vindictive or anything like that. Just defeated. She didn't say anything just took the papers. There wasn't any reaction on her part when she saw what they were. From what I could see it was indifference, could be shock... who knows.
Originally I planned this as a ploy to get her back. Kettricken's post, and people's responses to hatred (Sorry, I'm not in the mood to look back credit everyone) made me rethink my strategy. The conclusion I came to was: it's not worth it. I'm not going to force her to love me. The papers arriving were the last straw. They finally cut the rope I've been holding onto in two.
Afterward I told her I was going away for a while, to give her time for herself. She did ask "where to" but I avoided answering. Just told her I'd be back before the end of the year. I'm spending the next nine days in a hotel in a small town on the beach. I need the time-out to grieve and move forward.
Unwittingly I've achieved the emotional disconnect I believe Mrs Gno has. Over the weekend I've been searching for any feelings I have for her and sadly can't any. Its a very strange feeling this nothingness. It doesn't mean I'm devoid of emotion. I have fond memories and will treasure the happy times we shared over the past 11 years. Somewhere in the last two years the woman I married disappeared and so did the man she married. We both changed. I know the "influencers" of her change and unfortunately cannot do anything about them.
I take responsibility for the breakdown of my M. In the pursuit of pleasing my W I blasted off my own foot. I lost my manhood and the very essence of what she was attracted to in the first place. This is something I will have to live with and a hard lesson to have learned.
When I feel up to it I'll write a postmortem on everything. For now I need to take some time to grieve and find emotional stability. This post is jumbled up because that's the way I feel at the moment.
I'd like to end this post on a positive note though:
I KNOW I'LL BE MORE THAN OK.
I was mentally prepared for this outcome, now I need to let my emotions catch up. I'm simply letting them flow freely in private. Taking a time out to grieve. I'll still be around on the board and not going anywhere.
Good luck Gno, it has got to be painful. I am on the verge of that myself. The roller coaster is too much to take sometimes. Keep us informed, we all can learn something. I will pray for you.
No reflection on everyone here, but this song comes to mind when I think of Mrs Gno and her "support group".
I make my living off the Evening News Just give me something-something I can use People love it when you lose, They love dirty laundry
Well, I coulda been an actor, but I wound up here I just have to look good, I don't have to be clear Come and whisper in my ear Give us dirty laundry
Kick 'em when they're up Kick 'em when they're down Kick 'em when they're up Kick 'em when they're down Kick 'em when they're up Kick 'em when they're down Kick 'em when they're up Kick 'em all around
We got the bubble-headed-bleach-blonde who comes on at five She can tell you 'bout the plane crash with a gleam in her eye It's interesting when people die- Give us dirty laundry
Can we film the operation? Is the head dead yet? You know, the boys in the newsroom got a running bet Get the widow on the set! We need dirty laundry
You don't really need to find out what's going on You don't really want to know just how far it's gone Just leave well enough alone Eat your dirty laundry
Kick 'em when they're up Kick 'em when they're down Kick 'em when they're up Kick 'em when they're down
Kick 'em when they're up Kick 'em when they're down Kick 'em when they're stiff Kick 'em all around
Dirty little secrets Dirty little lies We got our dirty little fingers in everybody's pie We love to cut you down to size We love dirty laundry
We can do "The Innuendo" We can dance and sing When it's said and done we haven't told you a thing We all know that Crap is King Give us dirty laundry!
I hope they've got a lot of soap and she cleans herself up.
I hope you're doing okay today (as best as you can). That is a lot to be going through and you will undoubtedly vacillate between all those grief stages. The numbness is to be expected.
When I say the rope is cut, I mean CUT. I haven't dropped the rope. I'm taking this time to completely purge her. Doing a mind-wipe so to speak. I'm completely disconnected. There is no reconciliation planned and there is no going back.
Thanks Dane. I've been following your thread. I haven't kept completely up to date but will catch up soon I hope.
I took the bus Friday evening. Been sitting on the beach sipping ice-cold coconuts. Staying away from alcohol (I don't need any depressants in my system) and pumping up on vitamins.
Sorry I haven't been participating on your thread.
When I say the rope is cut, I mean CUT. I haven't dropped the rope. I'm taking this time to completely purge her. Doing a mind-wipe so to speak. I'm completely disconnected. There is no reconciliation planned and there is no going back.
Even I'm not so arrogant that I'm going to argue with you about being done; if you are, you are.
Preeeeeetttttty sure you can't compress the whole grieving process into a week at the beach though. Which I say in the spirit of "Forewarned is forearmed."
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
