Right now my moods are rapid-cycling through the stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
Ten days ago I signed the papers and gave my L the go ahead to file. Copies of the filing were couriered here and arrived last Friday. When I got them, reality sunk in. I was emotionally withdrawn (not the 4C's) when I handed Mrs Gno her copy.
Basically the conversation went along the lines of "Here, this is what you wanted. I hope you're happy." I wasn't cold or vindictive or anything like that. Just defeated. She didn't say anything just took the papers. There wasn't any reaction on her part when she saw what they were. From what I could see it was indifference, could be shock... who knows.
Originally I planned this as a ploy to get her back. Kettricken's post, and people's responses to hatred (Sorry, I'm not in the mood to look back credit everyone) made me rethink my strategy. The conclusion I came to was: it's not worth it. I'm not going to force her to love me. The papers arriving were the last straw. They finally cut the rope I've been holding onto in two.
Afterward I told her I was going away for a while, to give her time for herself. She did ask "where to" but I avoided answering. Just told her I'd be back before the end of the year. I'm spending the next nine days in a hotel in a small town on the beach. I need the time-out to grieve and move forward.
Unwittingly I've achieved the emotional disconnect I believe Mrs Gno has. Over the weekend I've been searching for any feelings I have for her and sadly can't any. Its a very strange feeling this nothingness. It doesn't mean I'm devoid of emotion. I have fond memories and will treasure the happy times we shared over the past 11 years. Somewhere in the last two years the woman I married disappeared and so did the man she married. We both changed. I know the "influencers" of her change and unfortunately cannot do anything about them.
I take responsibility for the breakdown of my M. In the pursuit of pleasing my W I blasted off my own foot. I lost my manhood and the very essence of what she was attracted to in the first place. This is something I will have to live with and a hard lesson to have learned.
When I feel up to it I'll write a postmortem on everything. For now I need to take some time to grieve and find emotional stability. This post is jumbled up because that's the way I feel at the moment.
I'd like to end this post on a positive note though:
I KNOW I'LL BE MORE THAN OK.
I was mentally prepared for this outcome, now I need to let my emotions catch up. I'm simply letting them flow freely in private. Taking a time out to grieve. I'll still be around on the board and not going anywhere.
