You need to do more than calm it with the sarcasm. It's a form of anger and a passive-agressive response. The first step in reonciliation is getting rid of the negative feelings. Did you hear how she responded,
Quote:
"see... you are so mean to me, you will never change"
Your anger validated her negative feelings, now "hear" the second part - "you will never change." Never is a permanent word, she thinks your R is hopeless. Consistent loving action (tough love at this point) is the Rx.
Learn to validate her feelings. R2C posted this to you:
Quote:
She can say whatever she wants, you just listen and validate (3 to get you started): "Yes, I can see why you would feel like that" "I can understand why you would feel like that" "It must be hard to feel like that"
Validate doesn't mean agree but you "see and hear" her, this is powerful. This will make you a better Doc as well.
You must break the cycle of poor communication and behavior.
"You must be the change you wish to see in this world." - Ghandi.
Handle it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
You need to do more than calm it with the sarcasm. It's a form of anger
There are healthy ways to express your anger. Sarcasm is not one of them. (lots of self work in this area also) The thing that is hard is we (most men) have stuffed our emotions and they need to come out. Therefor we over react to the current situation. It is very important to leave all your garbage at the door and deal with your W with compassion. This is a 180 that is critical. Imagine a hurt little girl in her that needs her daddy to listen to her. Deal with the stuffed emotions another way.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Doc, I just read you entire post. I am relatively new here myself so, I won't presume to offer advise. I have found, it helps to read about simillarly situated persons to gain objectivity and perspective on my own situation.I will say that you and I have a lot in common in terms of our background, situation, and our reactions/responses. We are learning to do right things to get the skills we need to move forward, either with this R or with another. I hope the very best for you.
I just spoke with my therapist. He said that I should wait on resuming the bedroom until after Christmas. It would be a power move and that it would cause too much drama and anger which would ruin it for the kids....He is right. I don't need that, it would be selfish. Instead, I will cease with the sarcastic remarks, validate her, work on me, I bought some of the books recommended and I am reading those.
Thanks to all of you for your help. I'm so glad that I posted here. It helps me so much. Going it alone is a hard thing. There is an old saying with Christians " Loners never make it" Here.....I am not alone. I think I have a chance.
Me:49 W: 41 Kids=D14/D14/S10 Married: 15 Together: 16 Bomb: 08/26/09 Currently: separated but in the different houses.
I just spoke with my therapist. He said that I should wait on resuming the bedroom until after Christmas. It would be a power move and that it would cause too much drama and anger which would ruin it for the kids....He is right. I don't need that, it would be selfish. Instead, I will cease with the sarcastic remarks, validate her, work on me, I bought some of the books recommended and I am reading those.
Thanks to all of you for your help. I'm so glad that I posted here. It helps me so much. Going it alone is a hard thing. There is an old saying with Christians " Loners never make it" Here.....I am not alone. I think I have a chance.
Ok but you can't hold off forever, you want to hold off till after christmas, commit to a date and do it, ie. Dec 28th, January 2nd but don't hold off because it appears selfish - that's ok, for you it will show that you believe your value & worth and you communicate that to her without actually telling her using words.
Doc, I was in the same predicament. I had simillar feelings. I felt selfish too. Now, I look at it returning to my bed as an important baby step in asserting boundries and restoring my own power.
In my situation, my wife and I were both sleeping in our guest room due to renovations of the MB. Once completed, she returned to the MB. I stayed in the guest room for about one week. I enjoyed it. I read when I wanted and created a chance to detatch from her. I never mentioned it, never said a word about it. Then, I decided to return to my bed. I told her exactly that. "I have decided to return to my bed." She was angry and slept on the floor of our home office the first night. She remained angry for several days. She tried several counter-measures, but I saw through it and refused to take the bate.
Doc, another thing we have in common is a bit of passive aggression. When you make this move, you have to expect a strong counter-moves from her. She will test your lines.
I urge you to set a short deadline. In the days leading to the deadline, take the focus off of your feelings of selfishness and fear. Instead, bring your attention to learing to control your passive agressive tendancies. She will counter move, know that, expect it. She will look for you to react to her counter-measures with anger and sarcasm. If you show these things, then, you returning to your bed is not about you returning to your bed. Instead, if you react with anger, it will be about more of the same old crap from the same old you, thereby, further justifying her thoughts and feelings toward you.
What you have here is a double opportunity to disrupt her existing world view. One, you get to assert yourself. Two, you get to show her you won't react in the expected, usual way. Nothing you can do will control your wifes reactions. However, your self mastery will control how you respond to her counter-moves, which, if replicated enough times, could confuser her stimulate her to abandon her defective outlook.
I will set a date for sure. Wonderful, great ideas. I am going to have it all planned out and know in advance how I will react to every scenerio. I just finished reading one of the books recommended.. " Hold on to your N.U.T. s" It was a quick read with some great tips. Moving on to " Boundaries" now.
Wonderful, you are right. She doesn't have a clue what I am reading and the private room is pretty nice.
Me:49 W: 41 Kids=D14/D14/S10 Married: 15 Together: 16 Bomb: 08/26/09 Currently: separated but in the different houses.
When my W first dropped the Bomb and said she wanted to separate, I told her that I would leave. I quickly realized the mistake and never mentioned it again. Later she said that I had told her that I would leave and didn't and she said that I didn't follow through as usual. I told her that she was the one that wants to separate and that she was the one that had to make it happen. She was shocked by this, however, I became empowered for the first time since the Bomb.
I understand about waiting until after the holidays but get yourself back into your master bedroom ASAP!
