No, your life is not s**t! You are an amazing, strong woman dealing with an unbelievably difficult circumstance with grace and dignity and faith! Your boys have a role model in their mother that they can always look to for overcoming challenges in their lives. You can get through this. I am praying for you that this Christmas will be filled with blessings!
About your son's visit to his dad... I don't know there is much you can do about that. I think you need to keep your lines of communication open with your S before and after the visit so that you can deal with anything that comes out of it in a healthy way.
Have you talked with your S about why he wants to go, his current feelings towards his dad, etc.?
