One day at a time....

[rockedworld]

Hope gave you some fantastic advice. I know that I have had and continue to have bouts of anger and more often than not BF bears the brunt of it. The fact that we have read and worked through the exercises in After the Affair and also read Not Just Friends has made a tremendous difference. BF understands where my anger is coming from and he fully realizes that I do not take him at his word. He knows that he has to prove through his actions over time that he deserves to be trusted again. Have you read either of these books? Would your H be willing to read them?

No, I have not read these books, but have heard a few people mention them. They are on my list to get. I don't know if H would be willing... he is still in that initial stage where he is not fully out of the fog. His guilt and/or depression that I think pre-existed the A get in the way of him being able to fully face things at times.... but it's always worth a try

Another question: do you have a transparency plan in place? Sorry, I haven't followed your whole thread so I'm not sure what all happened before you came over to Piecing. A specific plan is very helpful so you feel like you have the means to verify H's whereabouts and he understands that he is expected to be an open book.

Yes, this was not well received at first... but H has given me password info for phone and email and is generally good about keeping in touch from work etc. BUT... prior to A H was always the type of man who wanted a lot of time to himself, privacy etc. It was never an issue before because I trusted him absolutely and completely. Prior to this OW I never had a reason to have concerns. Now that I do, H has a hard time letting go of his need for privacy, time alone etc. Even though he KNOWS he forfeited those rights... he gets it... he just doesn't like it. So, I will get resistance, sour moods etc. This is part of my frustration... you would think he would be bending over backwards to accomodate me at this point! Sometimes he does.... but he is still in a pretty self-absorbed place which I think has to do with the depression etc. Ugh...

I'm going to give you my two cents on your interaction in hopes that it may help you deal with the next one.

We didn't discuss any plans for the evening or anything, and I am still aware of DBing and not doing too much pursuing. I waited til about 2:00 and sent H a text asking how his day was going. I got a reply "good". No, "how was yours?" nothing else.

You already know that this was pursuing. Plus you let his response determine your mood because of expectations. I do that too but it's much easier to remember that just because he's being pissy doesn't mean it's about you.

OK so this is one of my questions. Do the DB principles apply in the same way in the piecing stage? I am struggling with this. H seems to like it when I iniate contact during the day, plus me calling or texting at times is giving me a way to do a bit of a 180 because one of the things he said was a problem prior to the A and in the beginning stages of the EA was that I was "unavailable", busy with the kids, my job, etc. and OW was showering him with attention, pursuing, making him feel wanted etc. So, in the piecing process I am trying to do more of that... but not sure when it is pursuing, etc. Aaaaarghh... I am so confused about this part!

Nothing else all day, so made a nice supper assuming H would be home, as he has been since A ended.

Back to the transparency plan. Have you discussed sharing schedules? Or let him know that you need to be informed if his plans change? BF calls me every evening from his office so I can see on caller ID that's where he is, telling me before he heads home or if he needs to work late. If he stays he calls me again so I can account for all of his time.

Yes, we have discussed this. For the most part, H does this. That is one of the reasons I was thrown off that day... because I hadn't heard a thing from him that day other than that one text response and there was no call after work. It was unusual. H says he just wasn't thinking about that, he was focused on some errands he wanted to run after work and then was planning to head home. I discussed with him how much I need that contact. I don't think he fully gets it, or again likes it. But, that is too bad. I feel like I have to keep saying the same things over and over again and we are both getting frustrated by that.

I don't know how others feel about this once you hit piecing, but I have never told BF how I gathered my info. He just knows that I have read the emails and know about his phone activity. If he ever asked me how I know I would simply tell him that's not important and not the question at hand. Also, it never helps to escalate the situation. As much as it sucks, you need to be the mature person and handle things calmly.

I know I have given him too much info about how I found out certain things. I tell you, he is/was extremely persistent about wanting to know those things. I should have stood my ground. I am learning a lot in this process about that, and it is soooo hard for me. I am growing and learning a lot.
I know what you are saying about being the mature person in this sitch. Let me tell you, I am so tired of doing that already. I know from everything I have read that is just the way it is. The LBS has to deal with so much injustice on so many levels. It sucks! I have my moments, which actually seem to be more frequent where I wonder if it is worth it. Then, I look at my kids, I remember the man I loved for over 20 years prior to this, and I soften. But, oh I have my moments!

Finally I text that I feel he owes me an apology. I get a call that escalates again. The final point H makes is that for the past couple of weeks he has been giving me every reason to trust him, so why couldn't I trust him about this? I tell him this has only been a few weeks and it is not reasonable to expect that my trust is fully restored. This makes him very mad and we hang up mad again.

Again, more pursuing. Take your time and don't respond out of emotion. If you need to get it out of your system write down what you want to say. That way you can reread, edit and then decide if you really want to say that or just tear it upas a release.

I know. That sitch that night took me back to the height of my anxiety when the A was in full swing. But, I learned the hard way during that time that this was the wrong way to handle things. The idea of writing it down might help. I will try that.

I know you are right this is the first of many bumps along the way. I think I need to go back to my solution journal that I started when I first read DR and write down some of my personal goals for the piecing process... the specific areas I need to work on and change in our R. I need to stop reacting, think, plan and act. That was what I learned during the A and it was a difficult process but I did it! And, I really believe that is a big part of why H came back to me and ended the A. I need to get back to that. I need to just get over the injustice of it, suck it up and do it anyway.

Thanks Pearl! This has been very helpful!