What can I do to save my marriage? Help

[Sleepy]

Another thing that is troubling me.... She always lays her phone out for me to see. It's not locked and I can look at it anytime. Nothing there. She wants me to trust her. I don't get it. She says she has nothing to hide and I can't find anything.

Deep it looks like you did the right things and got your family back. I will follow the advice from Rob and R2C. I can't let her push me around. I have always told her that there are no bars on these doors. She can leave when ever she wants. I bet if I was abusing her or the kids she would be out the door in a minute even with the present financial situation.

[Ready2Change]

Another thing that is troubling me.... She always lays her phone out for me to see. It's not locked and I can look at it anytime. Nothing there. She wants me to trust her. I don't get it. She says she has nothing to hide and I can't find anything.

TRUST YOUR FEELINGS. Sounds fishy. She is snooping on your phone, and wants to to snoop hers.

We project what we believe. If she believes she is being untrustworthy, then she believes you are also. She wants to catch you doing what she is doing so she can BLAME YOU FOR THIS.

[Deep]

And leaving her phone around could just mean she's taken steps not to be caught via her phone.

And yes my M is better than it has been for a long time, but no I didn't do all the right things, definitely not for a long time. The grace of God, my friend, the grace of God ...

[Sleepy]

[/quote] TRUST YOUR FEELINGS. Sounds fishy. She is snooping on your phone, and wants to to snoop hers.

We project what we believe. If she believes she is being untrustworthy, then she believes you are also. She wants to catch you doing what she is doing so she can BLAME YOU FOR THIS.[/quote]

My feeling is that she feels that she has lost my trust and wants it back, but it is confusing that she would want this but would want a divorce too. She says the guy that she was seeing was married. Still.... Going out to lunch 4 x (thats what she said), on the phone 100's of times, constant texting. Just stop cold turkey, something hot and heavy. I caught it about a 8 weeks into it.

Another troubling thing that she said to me was that it wasn't physical but she would have gone there if she had the opportunity. She also said that if I hadn't found out she would have waited until the kids went to college, then split. That makes a guy feel real good. How can you ignore that [censored].

[Ready2Change]

Opps, missed the affair.

Another troubling thing that she said to me was that it wasn't physical but she would have gone there if she had the opportunity. She also said that if I hadn't found out she would have waited until the kids went to college, then split. That makes a guy feel real good. How can you ignore that [censored].

The book "Not just friends" has lots of insight into healing a R after an A.

I don't think you ignore it, you understand it.

[Deep]

My feeling is that she feels that she has lost my trust and wants it back, but it is confusing that she would want this but would want a divorce too. She says the guy that she was seeing was married. Still.... Going out to lunch 4 x (thats what she said), on the phone 100's of times, constant texting. Just stop cold turkey, something hot and heavy. I caught it about a 8 weeks into it.

Another troubling thing that she said to me was that it wasn't physical but she would have gone there if she had the opportunity. She also said that if I hadn't found out she would have waited until the kids went to college, then split. That makes a guy feel real good. How can you ignore that [censored].

Big red flag. Probably did get physical, sorry to say, but frankly though it hurts, it is the intent and mindset that is key. Betrayal doesn't need penetration.

Those activities you mentioned, just to confirm, you did put a stop to it?

[Sleepy]

Ok, I've decided to take the tough love approach and be a man.

This morning she discussed the days plan for the kids. I am on vacation and the kids are off too (soccer camps and Dr. visits). She was going to work. She talked down to me like a child and I made some sarcastic remark about her giving up on the work uniform that she wasn't wearing, which she retorted back "see... you are so mean to me, you will never change"...... It's always my fault.

Later she calls me and says she forgot her cell phone in a real nice sweet voice. I suppose she wants me to bring it to her. I can see through that manipulation.

Tonight I take back my bedroom. She can stay or move out... the choice is hers.

[Greek]

She is always checking my phone to see what I am doing and who I am calling or texting. What's that all about?? Why does she care?

Oh she cares...believe me. She. Cares.

, we went out of town this weekend for one of my daughters athletic events. It was fun for me because I was with the other dads and after the event we hung out at the hotel and watched the Cowboys game and drank a few beers. The women went Christmas shopping. It’s so cool when we are with other people because she can put on this act like there is nothing wrong. It makes me feel halfway normal. When they are gone she’s hateful again. Weird how she can turn it off and on so fast. I suppose that has been my entire marriage.

You both have been pretending, sweeping and stuffing. You want real change now - real improvement. And you can have it. She can have it. Your M can be better than ever - I believe that. But the hard work, digging in the dirt, tough love is necessary FIRST.

I diffused any arguments quickly and just stayed calm and easygoing. I made a few sarcastic quips that I later regretted. I just wanted to get along.

Sarcasm = not good. If you want to deliver a message to your W, say it. Don't snark it. Many women see sarcasm as a weak feature in a man.

I think taking back the bedroom is a goal I need to do this week. I have given her space long enough.

That's not why you take it back. You take it back b/c it is the marital bedroom and you are still/ want to be married. If she does not, she can move to the other side of the house. Her choice. It's not about space. It's about standing up for the reality - you are married.

I was going to give her an awesome three diamond ring for Christmas with a nice letter do you think that would be the wrong thing to do? Wimp boy? I also bought her a set of German Knives...... Maybe that is the wrong thing too...LOL.

I'm going to assume by your LOL you really are joking. A three diamond ring for a woman who doesn't want to be married to you? Wow.

Greek

[Sleepy]

Greek,

Thanks for the reassurance. It's great to hear good advice from another woman who know what works. As I read these threads, everyones story seems to be the same and the LBS reactions are similar too. Being here is better than counseling.

I will calm it with the sarcasm. You are right. Those are strong thoughts and reasons that I can tell her when I do take over the bedroom. Yeah, the ring is a bad idea. I will save it for a later time or another woman.

Thanks ;-)

[Deep]

You're going to live the life of Tridoc, the strong, confident, loving man any woman would want to be with given a choice.

Remember that, and that sarcasm and mind-reading doesn't always fit that image.

The hurt and pain caused can be addressed another time.