K4D It's a Wonderful Life

[K4D]

There is no such thing as perfection. I hope you know that.

You haven't seen someone as anal as my W who will work through the night and the morning before going to sleep to make sure perfection is met.

Make YOUR place how YOU want it. Get a haircut/new clothes to WOW yourself. And while your W is in YOUR home let her know by your ACTIONS you are the man of the house and you take the lead as far as your children are concerned. IMO if she is nothing more than a visitor in your home attending for a holiday celebration. I feel that would make a bigger impact on her than anything.

So often (in most cases I think and certainly in my own experience) the WAS wants the perks of marriage and family when it is obligatory (holiday, b-day or they need help/support) but when they don't want it, they just blow you off. It is of my opinion (and yes, we all have opinions) that so many LBS's block their own healing and forward movement when they allow the WAS to have the perks of marriage and family when they choose. Your W has opted out of the perks of a marriage and in tact family on a full time basis so when she is included she should be treated with the same courtesy you would treat any other random guests but not doted on or coddled as a spouse.

Shower yourself and girls with happiness and attention and let her see that she is now an outsider (who is still treated with kindness as you would any guest) but certainly not part of an in tact nuclear family simply because it is a holiday.

That is the exact reason I no longer answer my H's "happy holiday" texts or any other text/message unless it is about further execution of our Agreement. He opted out and no longer gets the perks of having a loyal and fantastic friend and wife. Its not about being rude or unkind. To me it's about actions and I choose to not have a part time friend/husband when he has a few spare and private moments away from his long term affair.

On the rare occasion I do have to see my H I am smiley, pleasant and polite as I would be to any random person I don't have a relationship of any sort with. I simply view him as an outsider and while I know that hurts him it's a very direct consequence of his actions over the past 21 months.

It certainly will take some powerful restraint on your part but make the holiday all about you and your girls and view your W as a guest who was fortunate enough to be included. Be kind but shower yourself and your girls with attention and love. She chose to dismantle the family. Show her you have created a new one. Let her be the one to engage conversation. As I said, be happy, polite, civil and welcoming to her as you would to any other guest you would have in your home for a holiday celebration. That is how I would handle it.

I appreciate that CG. And I totally get what you are saying. Only one thing I would say is my W is not looking for family perks. She feels obligated to do the birthdays with me for the kids sake. I had to extend the invitation for Christmas morning together. That was not part of her plans. She is trying to keep Christmas as separate as possible with our girls from me except for Christmas day in which her mom extended an invitation to me. I wasn't invited to go to the movies with her and my girls Friday night. She has made no mention of doing Christmas eve together. She and the girls went and had Christmas pictures made together without me. She is talking about taking the girls to see Santa on Tuesday night which is her night with them. She hasn't sought any perks at all.

Just a few notes to input here. I did see W last night. I had to stop by because D12 left her phone charger there at the house. So W asked that I come in and leave the girls in the car since she had their presents in the living room unwrapped. Fortunately I had gotten my hair cut and styled and was wearing all new stylish clothes looking pretty dang good as this was unexpected. Anyways, I go inside and she goes through everything that she got the girls. We had both agreed on how much we would spend on the girls and while I haven't quite met that amount yet, but still need to get a few things tomorrow night, W definitely passed that and is planning much more. I am not going to try and compete with her. W did get me a gift that she knew I would just love and gave it to me last night because it was a Christmas decorative peice that she wanted me to be able to display and said it couldn't wait until Christmas. So I guess that answers the question of are we getting each other something for Christmas. And of course, I have no idea what to get her in return. Then she offered me one of the pictures she had done with the girls for Christmas. I accepted although looking at it without me in it hurt some. But I was smiley and accepted as well as my gift. She was very nice last night. She even started purchasing stocking stuffers and showed those to me as well.

I will of course be civil come Friday morning and not over engage in conversation. D12 brought up Christmas day at MIL's house with me last night and said that she was talking to MIL and MIL I guess told her if there is anyone fighting then someone will have to leave. So D12 tells me that she asked MIL what if W is the one that starts it. So MIL told her that W will have to leave then if she is the one that starts it. I'm not sure why D12 brought this up to me as I didn't inquire about it. But I have no plans of fighting with W now or in the future. I'm sure not going to do it on Christmas day. To much at stake that day for everyone including myself. This is a big moment coming up that I have to be my absolute best, no questions asked. My main goal is to be friendly with everyone and simply focus on the girls and their Christmas as much as possible that day until W and the girls leave for their movie.

Kevin