Moving on with my life!

[Startingover2]

you should have still gone to the meeting. things will always arise, and either we can make excuses, or take action anyways. I know it's easier when you have someone with you.

so what plans do you have next?

I would have but her babysitter was going to watch her babies and my baby.

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=S.T. _I Made It!]25, I would like to first say that you have valid points. however, what I am going to do is highlight some of your wording. remember, the people here are needing help, they are hurting, and they need support. I think it would help SO2 more if you left out the sarcasm/criticism. We want to help encourage her to do the right things not make her feel stupid.

and perhaps your writing in this manner because you are frustrated in your own sitch too. I know that everyone here can get easily frustrated, including myself, and we just want to help the other person understand.

[quote=25yearsmlc]S2,
Get your helmet on b/c you need a serious 2 x 4...


The helmet warning means that what is coming is going to be hard to hear but is intended to be helpful. (Not to mention the time put into it). But hey, S2 asked me to post on her thread to her, after seeing what I wrote elsewhere.

For the record, I didn't say she was a bad mother, I warned her about another bad mother I knew, and anytime loved ones reminded me to put my love for the kids ahead of my anger at h back then, or to put aside pride or vindictiveness, I took heed. Why wouldn't I? Most of us were/are in so much pain that it gets very easy to rationalize things that are not in the kids' best interests b/c they serve our needs. Been there, done that.
It helps to have a place where someone can give you feedback ahead of time that may or may not apply but that you can consider. And besides, most of my comments about child support being about the baby, are for her H to understand, b/c he think he's giving HER money and not the child.

But I get why you felt the need to post to me so don't think I'm freaked. But I have a reason and imho, here's the deal. Way way too much time is spent on some people's threads and not enough on others. THe understably time consuming ones are justifiably those who are in the throes of just finding out their M's are either over or seriously threatened. We've all been there (hence being on this site). I think it makes total sense to be as supportive and as encouraging as possible at that time even their WASs are jerks. Sometimes we're life savers, literally. Unless there's abuse, I always always want the LBSer to try some DB stuff for real, over time, to at least give it a shot before saying okay, now it's time to move on or try a diff 180, etc.

But In some cases, and I think S2 is a good example, too much time cycling through the same old is happening and then we enable it. She can't change him which WE know, but at some level by advising on how to handle this and that little thing, we are in effect trying to help her deal with him instead of facing her NEW LIFE, which is as a divorced woman. The M ended awhile ago.

I'm the one with 2 relatives who div and then remarried their x's years later. I KNOW IT HAPPENS...but I don't see it here in this situation at this time --or in the near future and if it were to ever happen, it'd be by taking the advice given here and not repeating the same behaviors that got her here in the first place.

And she's been stuck too long so yeah, I said, "get a helmet on" b/c that's a flag. It means, "hey, I've tried the supportive stuff and you've changed very little (or not at all) and you are still here" AND since she is divorced and he is not moving towards a reconciliation, it is time to snap out of this state...plus I have kids and this stuff damages them.

Give up ALL HOPE? I am not saying that, b/c who am I to predict the future and play God?

My relatives who remarried did NOT expect that when they divorced. One couple took 8 years to get SOBER and recover and then remarry, while the other, who did not have a drinking problem, took 5 years to do so. ALL Four people in those two m's, moved on independent of each other and improved as individuals which is probably why their 2nd m's were so much better.

So if there were a chance for it, I"d still say that chance lies in her getting a whole lot stronger. He treats her with disrespect. To me, that's clear. So why shouldn't she GAL and move on and let him try to catch up with her when HE is strong enough to be the man she wants and deserves?That's the point of the post with 2 x 4's & I didn't invent them. However, I got some when I started here 3-4 years ago.

No, I am not frustrated in my own sitch nor did that have anything to do with my post to her. (I'm pretty fine with my sitch and think I got a lot of help from the big guy upstairs, and some friends here too.)

My sarcasm is aimed at her Xh and her situation, not her. Embellishing and exaggeraging and using analogies often helps make a point and sometimes it gets thru to WAS's too. I think His behavior is outrageous and so are the texts. I stand by that assertion. She is NOT married to the man and he cusses at her when she "fails" to answer HIS calls/texts within 10 min....
Inexcusable. Yes there are so many fine lines in many situations, it's true. B But that is NOT a fine line he has crossed. It's a big bright one. Same goes for him not paying child support, and asking her to lend HIM Money and have him paying all these other payees off before he pays S2 is a pattern. Why? Why would he pay her last, after the other xw who has a working spouse? That tells me something.

AT some point, we all have to learn to lift our self esteems ourselves. There isn't anyone else appointed to take charge of our happiness. We have to do it.

I learned that with the help of a great T, and some good DB coaching, and a lot of reading and trying new behaviors. Over time, I changed. And when I see someone else spinning their wheels the way I did, and damaging themselves, their lives and sometimes worsening their M problems, THAT is frustrating b/c I've been there, done that.

I doubt that my post ruined her self esteem. But I will say that when my older sister gave me a 2 x 4 at one point, it did hurt. But only for a minute or two, b/c then I took her point. She was right, and that made me mad. I was spinning in a negative vortex and repeating myself to anyone who'd listen, being a major league victim and felt very wronged. I would list the grievances and wrongs H had done or the many sacrifices I had made and I had a good score card going...but it was consuming me. My identity was becoming "25, the woman who's h is maybe leaving she is sad/mad and RIGHT, and he is wrong and he did this to her and that to her and she's a victim and...and blah blah blah" But that is NOT ME! Yet it was becoming all I was about.

My sister's words stung b/c they were true. So I started to sort of "snap myself out of it" b/c the person she said I was becoming, was SO UNattractive to me, so NOT who I ever want to be like, that I DID Change after the 2 x 4 from my wonderful older sister. IF it weren't for her and a few others like her, 1) I'd still be angry and that anger would have consumed my life, 2) my m would be over, and 3) my life would not be half of what it is today.

I pretty much stand by the post. But I'd never give one like that to a newbie or someone reeling from new pain. S2, you asked me for feedback and you are free to ignore it or tell me not to post to you anymore. But I think you have a pattern here but I'm not a t. You are stuck. Only you can unglue yourself, step and see the big picture here.

I just know we each have to find that spark inside ourselves, that makes us say, "I'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired and I'm not going to feel this way anymore and I will do anything I have to do, to feel better about my life, and myself, starting NOW!"...

My post was aimed at lighting that spark. Whatever works, listen to it. What doesn't--toss out. For me, it was the 2 x 4 from my older sister telling me I sounded like "JS" and that image, the "JS" woman she was referring to, was so pathetic and NOT who I ever want to sound or be like, got me moving.

Good luck S2, decide you'll have a good Christmas and then do so.
Don't ever put your holiday or the holidays of your children in the hands of others again. I grew up with an alcoholic father who ruined many Christmases when I was a child, and so, I say "no thanks" to craziness on the holidays of all days...and you know, my family today has never had a scene on Christmas. I'm grateful my kids don't have those types of memories. See? Cycle broken...

j-

[Startingover2]

I appreciate all the posts.

So baby and I were at the park yesterday and my phone went off with a text from a strange number. It said "hi So2 this is MGF. You don't have to, but i would appreciate a text or a call back. I just want to clear some things up." I had a feeling I knew what she was calling for. I waited and I prayed on what to do. Do I really want to get involved? But then I remember when OW talked to me and it was very clarifying for both of us. I sent a text back and we ended up having a good conversation. He is doing the same thing to her that he did to countless others. She suspected other women in his life and he was pulling away. At first I kept my mouth shut but I can tell she felt like the Lone Ranger and i finally told her that she wasn't the first with this and most likely not the last. She got mad and took their pic off of fb, all the while he was texting her and texting me at the same time. Wow. He really hasn't changed.

So, it was a good conversation and i did tell her that if there was any way to reconcile her marriage than she should. Divorce is hard and it sucks. There seem to be way more frogs than prince charmings out there (no offense DB guys..you are princes).

We will see what she does now. She may go back to him. She may not.

He did tell her he hasn't cheated on anyone and his reputation of cheating with OW while I was pregnant was false. He told her that he is a victim of rumors. Yeah right!

God is really opening my eyes and providing great opportunities these past few days to see what is really going on and help others.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

25, I really agreed with a lot of what you had wrote, it was more the way you wrote it, and I felt compelled to point it out.

but, it's okay, I felt that SO2 is standing up for boundaries like the money. Of course she's not perfect at it, and the biggest issue is her self worth IMHO, and that's why she's looking to exH for her self worth.

and if you were being sarcastic towards H, I understand...it's just that your talking to SO2, not her H, so to me, it sounded like you were yelling at her and implying she's incapable. But we all have different perceptions, and that's why we always must keep an open mind, like with our WAS's because we don't always know the WHYs and reasons for their actions/words, and/or their true meanings.

You have lots of good input, and the fact that you are still here helping people is a great thing, and it's appreciated.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

Oh, I'm sure exH is going to tell all these women he is misunderstood...I mean, if he told them he cheated on you, on whomever, I don't think that would help him win them over. lol

IMHO, he's just plain desperate and will do anything to try to fill this need he has.

I am glad that this is opening your eyes, I still believe people can change, but like I have said, if it was me, he would need to change and be SINGLE for a year (and do some kind of alcohol counseling with me) before trying to start reconciliation.

So, if this helps you keep the right perspective, that is good. Just continue being consistent... have your set boundaries, but continue being compassionate and loving at a distance.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

and don't become friends with the OWs!!!

I'm glad that you tried to help her go back to her H though. and if she calls back, I would tell her you can't really help her, but that these books could.. if you don't want her to read the DR book (in case she'd find this place), tell her about the For Women Only or the 5 love languages...

[25yearsmlc]

I appreciate all the posts.

So baby and I were at the park yesterday and my phone went off with a text from a strange number. It said "hi So2 this is MGF. You don't have to, but i would appreciate a text or a call back. I just want to clear some things up." I had a feeling I knew what she was calling for. I waited and I prayed on what to do. Do I really want to get involved?

At first I had no idea what "MGF" meant...I mean, "married girl friend" i got. But had NO idea it was your xh's married gf!?! Wow...wow, that's a new one for me here. Which is kinda saying a lot.


But then I remember when OW talked to me and it was very clarifying for both of us. I sent a text back and we ended up having a good conversation. He is doing the same thing to her that he did to countless others. She suspected other women in his life and he was pulling away. At first I kept my mouth shut but I can tell she felt like the Lone Ranger and i finally told her that she wasn't the first with this and most likely not the last.

Um, yeah. Why would she be the last? You're right on. Plus, btw, this is wacky....wacky crazy stuff. If we saw it in a film we would think the writer was making it up b/c no one would have this crazy stuff with a Married OW calling the xw of the man she's cheating on her h with? Am I getting this right? YIKES!!

She got mad and took their pic off of fb, all the while he was texting her and texting me at the same time. Wow. He really hasn't changed.
CORRECT 100%
So, it was a good conversation and i did tell her that if there was any way to reconcile her marriage than she should. Divorce is hard and it sucks. There seem to be way more frogs than prince charmings out there (no offense DB guys..you are princes).

We will see what she does now. She may go back to him. She may not.

He did tell her he hasn't cheated on anyone and his reputation of cheating with OW while I was pregnant was false. He told her that he is a victim of rumors. Yeah right!

God is really opening my eyes and providing great opportunities these past few days to see what is really going on and help others.

And helping yourself. This is a gift wrapped in painful reminders, but a gift nonetheless. This is God opening your eyes...be grateful! OMG what a priceless gift if this gets you moving sooner onto better things. I heard a quote about someone who'd been depressed and felt that they were not seeing any joy in their life anymore. They only saw the trees when they looked up, forgetting that there was still sky beyond the trees. A blue sky with a sun shining on them, if only they'd take a different look or find a better spot to get a better view...so they could find the light.

You are finding the light of freedom. Get out of the dark forest for now, and look to the light and GAL and have some fun and freedom from the madness that your Xh brings with him...I'm SO glad you got this from the man upstairs-- as I firmly believe you were given a small miracle and a sign. You can be happy, stay the course of movement forward and into the unknown and I am positive your life will improve. Next Christmas I want to see the post of "peace within" that I know you can feel. Have you checked this board on the "surviving divorce" section? It's filled with many good stories. Check out Austinsmartcookie sometime, or Bworl, or Was2Sad, or BaseballAnne, Holly06 Or AmyCee....all happy endings with divorce....and time... Go to that light and be awake...

(( j ))

[Startingover2]

Yes it was a blessing and the timing was a blessing too.

Yesterday afternoon I went to a Xmas party (without baby!) and met some of my old girlfriends from high school there who were in town. Anyway, it was RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET FROM MGF's. She ended up attending as well. Thankfully we had sort of talked the day before so it wasn't entirely uncomfortable. Otherwise I would have passed out. She came up to me and we started chatting again. She started talking about him and how he seems to be sad and texting her all the time. I burst and told her that he does that to everyone and he still does it to me. I thought she was going to crumble right there. At that moment he made me so mad. Did something rather lame, but I was curious of the outcome...She sent him a text saying she was at a party and I was there and she was going to introduce herself to me...not 20 seconds later I get a text asking where I was. I ignored. Both of our phones were going off. It was rather funny at the time to know he was squirming at home.

Of course when I got home he was asking how my day was and I said I went to a party and it was enlightening. He told me how crazy she was and she won't leave him alone. I did go off at one point and said "you know I wanted you to be sincere and honest and didn't want to be a part of the things you said were in your past. I didn't want it around me and you still did it anyway." Whatever. I just said goodnight.

He may not be physically with anyone, but his fingers are still busy trying to keep everyone in line.

Merry Christmas!

[Startingover2]

Another thing is MGF is now my new best friend. She is texting me constantly! You guys think I am pathetic and weak? You should see her! She is wanting to know what he has told me in the past, especially in the past few weeks. I would blow her away if I told her the truth. I honestly don't want to be mean, but I don't know what to say. I haven't really answered.

Sooo...I woke up with a cold. Fantastic! My guess would be it will make its rounds this week and by Xmas baby and the kids should have it!

It was so nice seeing old friends yesterday. My mom watched baby for a few hours while I went.

Exh is supposed to come tonight to help put baby's gift together for Xmas. Greeaaaat!

[K4D]

Another thing is MGF is now my new best friend. She is texting me constantly! You guys think I am pathetic and weak? You should see her! She is wanting to know what he has told me in the past, especially in the past few weeks. I would blow her away if I told her the truth. I honestly don't want to be mean, but I don't know what to say. I haven't really answered.

I would be cautious on taking this as your new best friend. She may just be buddying up to get information out of you. That had to be funny knowing he was squirming while you 2 were together talking. I can only imagine what was going through his mind.

Kevin