I was separate 5 years, we reconnected about 5 times in those 5 years, and once after marriage but things did not last. I still have hope But I've learned many lessons from my pain and I hope you will read this and lessen yours. First, thanks to Michele and this wonderful forum. The advice from Wise DB'ers is worth reading - even 10 times a day ! It will keep you sane and everything they say is 1000% correct.
Rule #1: DO NOT beg, plead, point out you have changed etc. It is appropriate to send an email apologizing for your mistakes and leaving the door open for future conversations but that's it ! I know you will be tempted to constantly prove to your WAS that things will be different but it is *HIGHLY* counterproductive. I used to email once a day - either trying to convince by logic how much we did love each other, or trying to convince her I was a changed person. The more I begged, the more stubborn my WAS became. IT DOES NOT WORK. I wish I had the intelligence to pay more attention to this important point. There will be a time when you are at your wits end, your heart is burning, you feel dead - but DO NOT PURSUE !
You will be highly mentally stressed. One of the best things I did for myself, beside buying Michele's book and reading this forum, is to learn a simple breathing technique called Sudarshan Kriya (spelling ?) via an Art of Living course. If you search online you'll probably find a course in your city. That breathing technique made me sleep well each night - pretty amazing.
Rule #2: Focus on yourself - take time even if it is 6 months or one year - to work on yourself. I was fat, I lost weight. Find a new hobby. Like many others have said, working on yourself is critical. I wish I had spent a year on my own, cleaning my apartment, traveling, and leaving my WAS alone. I suspect had I truly left her alone, we would have been back in no time and a divorce would have been averted.
Rule #3: If your WAS shows some interest (and mine did at various points), don't be fooled and start talking immediately about your relationship. Let things develop slowly. It is painfully frustrating but let your WAS drive the pace. Your attempting to force a pace is a recipe for disaster. In the end you want to be with someone who cares for you as much as you care for them. Let them figure out for themselves that the marriage is worth saving and that they love you.
Rule #4: Never FIGHT with your WAS. This is not the time to be trying to get your WAS to correct her errors or argue with her even though very often you will be correct. By taking the high road, by being nice and patient and kind even when your WAS isn't any of these things - you will succeed in the end.
Rule #5: PATIENCE - Have patience that everything is for the best. Even when things appear to be at their worst, miracles can occur. Don't count on them and keep working on yourself but if you truly detach, you'll be surprised at how soon your WAS approaches you.
Good luck on the path to reconcilation. I wish I had reconciled, but I still have hope !
So, do you ever initiate contact/reunion do you think? If she exhibits positive signs and interest, so you then try to make progress and back off if it doesn't work. Or, do you just let them come to you? How do you let them know you would be open to working on it again after time has passed? My wife is the type that would worry about rejection, so not even try.
But I've learned many lessons from my pain and I hope you will read this and lessen yours. First, thanks to Michele and this wonderful forum. The advice from Wise DB'ers is worth reading - even 10 times a day ! It will keep you sane and everything they say is 1000% correct.