Thank you all. I want to feel better, to recover, to be happy again. I know this is possible b/c the last 6 months were much much better than the first 6 months of this year, and I felt my old sense and happiness again. So I know it is possible. This is a big set-back though, and feels to undue the progress I've made.
I will go out and buy that Dobson book today along w Mars and Venus starting over. It's gotta be mind over matter right now, I know.
I think the psychological games get to me...I've felt oddly ok about our M ending past few months, but reality of it feels different now. He has a way of getting to me...like he made me feel crazy for pointing out that he walked out, that he abandoned our M. Somehow I left our conversation oddly feeling like he was justified in what he did, which I know is not true. You all and my friends and family have helped me see that he wasn't think wonderful man given how much he could change and treat someone. He doesn't see his actions at all as insensitive, he feels more than justified in leaving an 'unhappy marriage that I drove him away' Maybe it's to make himself feel better but I hate feeling like crap after we speak.
I need to get my acceptance hat back on again I know, and do more 'thought-stopping' I feel my mind race/react to things he's said just the past couple days... Pearl I totally understand that he's not the man he used to be, but when he's decent and kind - even for an hour over coffee - I see the man he used to be...that's when I'm most sad.
I dragged myself to a holiday party yesterday even though i didn't feel like it. Trying to make myself go out, but seeing couples and babies just brought it all up again for me.
I know I'm more worthy of a man who honors commitment and everything, but god, there was a point (more than half of our relationship) where he literally treated me like i walked on water. And I didn't appreciate him as much. It's hard to recall that, and the other good times, but I know there were not so good times too. Sometimes I wonder if it's me and I'll always be like this, or difficult in a relationship and have doubts and issues, or maybe, just maybe, he wasn't the right person for me and that's why I felt that way.
It still hurts. Back to feeling like I'm going through the motions. I feel heavy right now and not sleeping as well again. I am glad to be going back to CA tomorrow to be w my family and all my friends..I'm going to put my notice in and move by early March latest. I'm going to get set up with a good counselor (have a good rec) in CA and work through this stuff...the actual day of it harder than I thought. And his cavalier attitude of 'just sign papers' feels so dismissive of marriage.
I can't let him get to me. But he has a way of making me feel like I'm always the bad guy. When I broach getting tuition money back I just know how he'll react...he'll go off on me how 'he knew it would come to this...' It reminds me of a post I read about gaslighting sydrome where the other person makes you feel like you're crazy. He's getting to me a bit that way. How do you all prevent that from happening? Just continually reminding yourself of 'bad they've done?' It's hard b/c he'll easily point out bad and hurtful things I've done - which are true - and then it seems like he's correct/justified in what he says. Like I did say something awful about his mother in a moment of anger once, he likes to bring that up, and then i feel like i'm a horrible person... (regardless he's said/done awful things too)
It's hard to know there is still a good person in there in him..I know there is.. we used to live this simple life together and now he's all extravagant and everything...and calling me the one w 'high tastes/standards' or whatever. I just feel somewhat used, and like he has no conscience. But ugh, I still feel love for him. ANd yet wonder how can he sleep at night w some of things he's done this past year? I try to point those out to him, but what's the point, right?
