NC - W vanished ...

[P17]

P I saw that movie Avatar today. If it is playing in your neck of the woods go see it. 3D... was very good. Good love story and things blow up.

Would quite like to see it. Unfortunately the nearest cinema is now 110 miles from here ...

Have you hit rock bottom yet P? Are you broken?
I hope so.
So you can get back up again.

I haven't hit tock bottom yet cutter, but I do feel I am heading that way just now. I am trying to just let things go the way they are without fighting it. I did hear what Avermont said about the parent pulling you out of it but at the moment I feel like just letting this continue in the hope that I can once and for all step on it. Every time I fight it I feel like it's just pushing it out of the way to come back again. This time I just want to surrender to it and stop fighting to see where it takes me.

I feel that the feelings at the moment come from just one thing - hopelessness. I have read before about embracing that feeling but at the moment I'm not in the place to do it. I don't even know where to begin.

I have constantly conflicting feelings about the sitch and what I should do - the love I feel for W, the hate I feel for W, the pain I feel for what she has done to D, the realisation that this M is 100% over and there is nothing I can do to save it, the complete disregard for me and my feelings, the speed at which she has moved on with her life, her family abandoning me and D, her callousness with regards to my mum and finally her ability to erase 7 years of a relationship and 3.5 years of marriage in a matter of months. This has obviously been going on for a while, she didn't wake up one day and decide it but I feel complete and utter hopelessness at the moment and it's worse than when she left.

I don't know why something as small as the picture on FB that I was told about would trigger this, but it has. I feel spent. I feel done. I feel tired. I feel that I have made a huge mistake and that I gave my life to a woman who I adored and she betrayed me without a second thought.

And I really do think writing will help. You get to explore yourself. At first the words will be all over the place. But as time goes by. Something beautiful happens. You learn about yourself. You begin to form patterns and your writing gets better. Then you notice that you words become structured. Your thoughts are determined and you give yourself the truth darts that only you can give yourself.

I will try and write again. As I said before it brought a lot out of me so I don't like doing it but maybe that is the point?

I see my IC tomorrow so will hopefully see what she can help me with.