Looking for Advice

[Deep]

Well, what you can do now is to digest some of what has been posted GW.

Also, as Greek said above.

You do what you need to protect your kids, yourself, and give your M a fighting chance. Ending the A is kinda high on the priority list. Stop worrying about consequences for W, OM, and her reactions.

[gutwrenching]

My main worry/concern is saving the marriage. That's what I'm looking for help on. I have a dual situation. I have a WAW who is having an EA. I've read a lot from Sandi, I would sure like it if I could get to her for her thoughts also.

[Deep]

GW, a lot of people on here have been / are in your sitch. Me included. WASs, As, OPs are as common around here as Disney movies around Christmas. Sure, there are unique aspects in every sitch, there's also lots of commonalities. Like Sandi, Greek herself was a WAW too once.

You can't "save" your M by "fixing" it or your W. And as has been posted before, it takes 2 to make a M work even if it only takes 1 to destroy it - you can't "save" it on your own. I know you're having a hard time, but it might be easier if you focus on what you can control, and taking it step by step.

You're not dealing with the woman you loved and married right now, not with an A / OM in the mix. In some ways, your W is already lost, and your M is over. You have to start from that and work towards a chance of a better M.

[Dane]

The advise I got here after I exposed the EA, was to tell the 4th person about the affair. Be calm, cool, short and just the facts only, with the unknowing other spouse.
Watch the EA dissappear, especially after the way you described it.
They made a choice to do something wrong, not you. There are consequences to all our actions.
You will hear repeatedly, the only way to save the marriage is to end the affair first.
Daylight is the best disinfectant.
Puppy Dog Tails is the resident expert on affair exposure/timing, but he might be fed up with all us newcomers not following his good advice.

[gutwrenching]

Dane - how have things gone since you exposed he EA? How'd things go with telling the other spouse?

[gutwrenching]

Greek,
Thanks for the words. Do know that they would be ok financially together. My wife and I have quite a savings, so 1/2 that plus 1/2 his (and obtw a lawyer) and I don't think financial concerns will have a big effect on her mentality. With that in mind, what do you suggest.

[gutwrenching]

One more piece of data. As she is stomping around the house as furious as I've ever seen her in our 14.5 yrs of marriage, I finally ask her what did she expect. She told me she'd suspected I knew and had been trying to get me to tell her what I knew.

She said she got what she expected, an ultimatum, but didn't expect to hate me so much for it.

I told her either it ends with him, or she moves out and she deals with the fallout of her reputation.

And did I mention we work at the same place in fairly high profile jobs. Boy is it going to fun going to work tomorrow and we are supposed to carpool in, my car is still at work. Not good planning on my part

[TrentC]

I had read a lot and had it scripted and today I couldn't take it anymore.

That's not entirely true, but not totally relevant right now.

She's thinking about leaving for good now.

She's been thinking of leaving all along. You didn't change that much.

I have the power and that is the only thing holding her here because I could ruin his career and her career. She says she doesn't care about hers, but does about his. The amazing thing is today they were texting about what he was buying for his wife for Christmas.

It's not about his career, or her career, it's about your marriage. Careers can change.

If she's worried about appearances, then now is a perfect time to set a boundary. If she wants to work things out with you, then she has to cut all contact with him. (This may include her finding somewhere else to work.)

If not, then she can find someplace else to live and you will file for divorce.

And you will let OM's wife know what is going on. She deserves to know what her husband is doing.

So now its like blackmail. So what do I do. If I tell her that I won't ruin his career or hers or tell his wife, she probably bolts and files for divorce. If I don't say that, maybe she stays but she is PISSED...thats no way to build a relationship.

You shouldn't give a rat's ass how she reacts to your response to her affair. And she's testing you; if you let her continue her affair, there is little chance she will stop it on her own.

She says she had decided to leave and that was that.

Then it doesn't seem like you have much to lose, do you?

[gutwrenching]

TrentC - thank you. You're right, she had been thinking of leaving all along, had really pretty much decided too.

I agree its about our marriage not our careers. I've tried to tell her that before, I'll flush my career and start over, but its not about our marriage to her because she had moved past that.
I did set a boundary today - but I couldn't put it in terms of if she wants things to work out with me because she isn't in a place where she is willing to try to work on us. She has told me that many times. What she told me was that she would give it some time and try to get to that place. But today she admitted she really wasn't giving us any thought - and I told her that is because her thoughts are consumed by the OM.
I did tell her she had to cut it off with him or else she was moving out not me because she had the EA not me. I told her that I wanted to work things out between us and that if she put forth an honest effort and was working on us that I wouldn't hurt her...to include hurting him. She said what if I don't. I told her I don't know what I'll do because I'm deeply hurt and that will hurt me even more and make me angry that you have flushed over 14 yrs down the drain without giving me another chance.

[gutwrenching]

Greek - thanks again for the insightful advice. I did set a boundary but didn't spell out what I will do if she doesn't abide by it; I said I hadn't figured it out but all options were on the table...which really was the truth.
At present, we aren't really speaking, but at some point that has to change and she will ask, because she is aching to know. I can tell you her #1 fear is hurting him...I get the distinct impression she is the one that started this EA and got him into it, so she would feel guilty for ruining his marriage and kids. Therefore, I think your advice is probably spot-on...if she asks what i will do if she doesn't end it, I tell my W that I will contact the OM's wife. In the days of facebook, that is just oh too easy. Oh yeah, my W and OM are always on the FB with each other and my W won't even allow me access to her stuff. But she shows me occassionally (or at least used too...I'm sure no more of that after today...whatever!)