Positive developments? #2

[jon2911]

This is why I say she may need to believe that FIL has got things right: imagine what it would take to believe that FIL's take on the world is wrong. It might mean admitting that he was wrong about MIL, but she has passed away, so that damage can never be repaired. In other words, if FIL is 'wrong', then both of those matters (crazy mom/not grieving) become a kind of a betrayal of your W's mother, so they are likely to be extremely sensitive.

Wow. Just like the rest of your post, this is very insightful. She didn't talk to her mom for 6 months after the D, then didn't want to be with her when she was dying. She told me "I said goodbye to her a long time ago." I had to force her to fly out for MIL's last week, then she stayed in the hotel room the morning MIL died. This confused me so much at the time.

She can't deal with the MIL memories, or admit that FIL's was wrong. Or that his view of the world is wrong.

I wonder if there's another reason why she doesn't want you to attack FIL - isn't hard attack FIL's own personal way of doing things? And by attacking back in that manner, wouldn't that make you like him?

What's your feeling about this? Is it possible that she wants you to *not* be like him? After all, it sounds like you weren't like him when you and W were first together.

No, I wasn't. Early in our dating, she said "I've never known a man like you, you not only have passions, you actually act on them." FIL told me "I had these ethereal dreams of changing the world, but that all ended when I got married. Now you need to make money".

I guess I thought it was possible to do both, but had no idea it would be this hard.

She also said she loved how spontaneous I was. The ACOA book said children in those homes learn to never be spontaneous, because they don't know how the parent will react.

To this day, W looks shocked when she makes me angry and I don't explode like FIL would. Every she brings D up, she gets really apprehensive, but I listen calmly. I think there's a balance there, but I don't want to act like him.

I suppose my question is, what is your sense of how your W feels about the times when you've acted more like your FIL in the past, and how does she respond when you are (in attitude) more like you were when you first met (i.e. big contrast to FIL)?

This is a great point. It feels like she wants me to be EXACTLY like him. But she wouldn't have married me if she did. I guess deep down inside, I've believed the conventional wisdom because I hear it so much. She must really want someone just like FIL, so it was a mistake to marry me.

I need to start thinking of specific ways that I can NOT act like FIL and see how she responds.

I thought it was encouraging to hear that BIL had asked your W about how she has dealt with the grief over your MIL's death, and particularly that she repeated this coversation back to you. It's a kind of acknowledgment on her part, even if the subject is still unaddressed.

I hadn't thought about that. She didn't tell me what she answered, so I assumed she just blew him off. You're right, it is encouraging. She's at least thinking

It also sounds like BIL has clear insight into the dynamic. It's a happy coincidence that your MIL described your FIL as a dry alcoholic, and that your BIL is an addiction recovery counselor. It's also good to hear about how well SIL dealt with MIL's final illness. Are you in contact with them? They sound like a real positive in this situation, and may have much insight to offer, and, a relationship with your W through which that may bear fruit.

W has forbid me to contact them. I need to for Amends (step #9), and mentioned it in August, but she blew up. I decided it wasn't worth it at that time. But what do I have to lose now?

SIL was a great source of advice and encouragement early in our separation. She told me "I'm seeing a lot of the same behaviors in her that I saw in my mom when she left".

After a couple months, SIL asked me to stop calling her worried that W would stop talking to her if she knew we were talking. Her family's on egg shells as well. I don't want her to feel ganged up on though.

Might be about time to make that call.

Overall, this has been a good wake-up call. I've spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself after the recession ruined my corporate career and finances, at least in the short term. Time to set some goals and stick with them.