Positive developments? #2

[jon2911]

That said, curious, why does your W oppose you standing up to him?

After her parents D, W watched FIL go through a year of hell. He never slept, lost 50 pounds, wrecked a company car by falling asleep. She assumed the role of mom, taking care of everything around the house. I've always admired her for that, but never understood how damaging it was. In fact, my C showed me a book called "Emotional Incest" describing exactly what W went through, being forced to fill a role of a parent or spouse. She fiercely defends FIL's every move, even when she hates most of them.

And I'd be ramming that three-peat failure down his throat as obviously at that point in his life, his bearing were'nt so straight either until he found his nich.

Right, but he figured it out in college. In his opinion, career and salary need to be ramping throughout your 20's, because it never will after that. A Master's is never worth it because of that. I mean, he doesn't have one, so why should anyone else?

So, why did your W leave the second time around? As I said, that may be key.

When I left the startup in November 2007 and got a "real" job, W noticed the change. She thought I was finally growing up. We started spending a lot more time together, until I was staying over most nights. Her headaches caused her to lose her job, and I put her on my benefits and tried to get her Ebay business going again.

End of January, she told SIL on the phone, in my presence, "Jon and I are in the early stages of working things out, but I'm still moving back to Houston". I couldn't believe it and couldn't convince her otherwise. I found an e-mail from step-MIL. Her exH was a graduate of my Seminary and pastor of a large church, but a secret alcoholic who eventually abandoned his family. SMIL said "you need to leave him, come back here, let us take care of you. Look how happy we are in our 2nd marriage".

They convinced her to come back. They convinced her that the headaches were my fault, and they could fix them. They were wrong.W has a love/hate relationship with FIL, and also desperately wants to please him. I understand a lot of this through Adult Child of Alcoholic book. At first it shocked me how well it described W, because I didn't buy it. The ACOA book also explains why FIL is so black and white about everything, like the career stuff above.

It was only after she moved back that I got serious about the 12 steps, before I was just making changes for her, not me. Even that job and the one after it were the same thing. A W's health problems will definitely affect the type of job a H works. Where's the line between co-dependency and providing?