Just want my H back

[Lotus]

You forced him to walk away because he would have hurt you physically with his anger issues if he hadn't? And that is your fault? Huh?

[pearlharbr]

Here's how you should have responded to him giving you D papers:

"It's about time you finally did something about it. I have decided that I don't want to be married to someone who just walks out of his commitments. I want to spend my life with a real man who takes responsibility for his actions and will make our relationship his number one priority."

At this point all you should focus on is getting a settlement worked up to account for all the money you've given him while he was finishing school and move on.

You still need to work on detachment because you're obviously not there. If you're still thinking that you can somehow make him see the error of his ways then you're still tying your happiness up in his actions. I know you want him to acknowledge that you're right, but that's never going to happen. Stop trying to rationalize the irrational.

Your comments about now you've become the wife he wanted bother me a bit. To me, it sounds like you're just making changes for him, not for yourself.

I know you're hurting right now and I'm sorry for that. But it won't get any better until you do it for the right reasons. Move on with your life because that's what is best for you.

[hhh]

Hi - I know. He can't see it that way. I just feel so sick and ache right now, like it did 8-9 months ago. There is no purpose in pleading w him anymore. I just feel like I miss him and love him still so much. I felt like I'd detached with No Contact for the past several months, really honestly feeling good and happy 6 out of 7 days I would say. Now I'm falling back into the cycle of blaming myself again.

I called him a few hours ago and chatted that I didn't want to leave on bad terms before the holidays (while I know this had to happen it's pretty crappy of him to do this days before Xmas)...said I didn't think it was fair of him to blame me for everything when he walked out. Says I pushed him out and wounded his ego over the yrs, etc etc. He's happier without me, his family knew he was unhappy so didn't like me (it doesn't make sense...my mom never wrote him off just b/c I was unhappy!)

Why do I know feel so in love with him again? for the first hour yesterday he was nice and kind and civil. I miss my old H, the loving kind person he used to be...he also used to take a lot of crap from me, I know. But he's a totally different person now...he used to cry at a hurt bird on the street (literally) and seeing me cry didn't even phase him.

I know the $$ thing. At the very least I feel like he should give me the tuition money back. I don;t want rent or expenses back cuz I look at that as our married expenses. My fear in doing so it that it could get ugly, tit for tat, and I have more to lose if he got nasty. He wants me to simply sign papers (it's like a 3-page very simple document)...I know there's more to it than that.

I miss my old best friend. How do you guys cope when all you want to do is call that person and hear there voice? I wish he could come over and I could just be with him, even though I know it seems irrational. I felt this during Spring and then really didn't rest of this year as I was too busy and GAL and all, but now, I just miss his voice and his presence. But I can't call him can I? I miss his friendship but at the same time it's too hard. Maybe it's just better to keep the distance. I am planning my move to CA across the next couple of weeks.

[pearlharbr]

hhh, I like you so much but you frustrate me so much! I think it's because I view your sitch as wasting your time, energy and love on someone who is so obviously unworthy of it. I know that I don't know your H and I don't really know you, but FWIW, that's my take on what you've written so far.

Why do I know feel so in love with him again?

Because you can't have him. Because you are only thinking of the distant past, not how he has been acting over the past year. You love the person H used to be, not the person he is now.

I will once again suggest that you read gucci loafer and/or robx's posts. Or read Dobson's Love Must Be Tough.

And really think about why you want to be with someone who doesn't treat you with love or respect and doesn't want to be with you. Why don't you deserve more than that?

[Deep]

(((hhh)))

I don't have much to say. Yes the sense of loss is so deep. It's just like if someone has passed on, there will be times when you so miss the friendship, intimacy, oneness.

You can't make the WAS come back, nor that friendship, any of what you had.. Maybe they will one day, but you have your life to live now. Acceptance is necessary, and time helps.

Wishing you a blessed Christmas and a great new year.

[hhh]

Thank you all. I want to feel better, to recover, to be happy again. I know this is possible b/c the last 6 months were much much better than the first 6 months of this year, and I felt my old sense and happiness again. So I know it is possible. This is a big set-back though, and feels to undue the progress I've made.

I will go out and buy that Dobson book today along w Mars and Venus starting over. It's gotta be mind over matter right now, I know.

I think the psychological games get to me...I've felt oddly ok about our M ending past few months, but reality of it feels different now. He has a way of getting to me...like he made me feel crazy for pointing out that he walked out, that he abandoned our M. Somehow I left our conversation oddly feeling like he was justified in what he did, which I know is not true. You all and my friends and family have helped me see that he wasn't think wonderful man given how much he could change and treat someone. He doesn't see his actions at all as insensitive, he feels more than justified in leaving an 'unhappy marriage that I drove him away' Maybe it's to make himself feel better but I hate feeling like crap after we speak.

I need to get my acceptance hat back on again I know, and do more 'thought-stopping' I feel my mind race/react to things he's said just the past couple days... Pearl I totally understand that he's not the man he used to be, but when he's decent and kind - even for an hour over coffee - I see the man he used to be...that's when I'm most sad.

I dragged myself to a holiday party yesterday even though i didn't feel like it. Trying to make myself go out, but seeing couples and babies just brought it all up again for me.

I know I'm more worthy of a man who honors commitment and everything, but god, there was a point (more than half of our relationship) where he literally treated me like i walked on water. And I didn't appreciate him as much. It's hard to recall that, and the other good times, but I know there were not so good times too. Sometimes I wonder if it's me and I'll always be like this, or difficult in a relationship and have doubts and issues, or maybe, just maybe, he wasn't the right person for me and that's why I felt that way.

It still hurts. Back to feeling like I'm going through the motions. I feel heavy right now and not sleeping as well again. I am glad to be going back to CA tomorrow to be w my family and all my friends..I'm going to put my notice in and move by early March latest. I'm going to get set up with a good counselor (have a good rec) in CA and work through this stuff...the actual day of it harder than I thought. And his cavalier attitude of 'just sign papers' feels so dismissive of marriage.

I can't let him get to me. But he has a way of making me feel like I'm always the bad guy. When I broach getting tuition money back I just know how he'll react...he'll go off on me how 'he knew it would come to this...' It reminds me of a post I read about gaslighting sydrome where the other person makes you feel like you're crazy. He's getting to me a bit that way. How do you all prevent that from happening? Just continually reminding yourself of 'bad they've done?' It's hard b/c he'll easily point out bad and hurtful things I've done - which are true - and then it seems like he's correct/justified in what he says. Like I did say something awful about his mother in a moment of anger once, he likes to bring that up, and then i feel like i'm a horrible person... (regardless he's said/done awful things too)

It's hard to know there is still a good person in there in him..I know there is.. we used to live this simple life together and now he's all extravagant and everything...and calling me the one w 'high tastes/standards' or whatever. I just feel somewhat used, and like he has no conscience. But ugh, I still feel love for him. ANd yet wonder how can he sleep at night w some of things he's done this past year? I try to point those out to him, but what's the point, right?

[nikblondiew]

I too was checking into the Retro weekend........but know that my H has be in a better place, he is not well. So maybe in time after he gets some counseling and proper meds.
I know a lot of the feelings you are feeling HHH. I'm here at any time if you want to talk.

[hhh]

Hi again,
It's been a low couple of days, really low. I feel like every 10 minutes my eyes water up, I just can't help it. Haven't been sleeping very well. Glad I am flying home tonite to CA to be with my family, but bitter/hurt/disgusted to have this come right before Xmas. Couldn't he have had the decency to wait until after the holidays? And to expect me to sign the papers right then and there, I don't know anyone who would do that on the spot upon first seeing..

I need to know how to handle him better. Was it wrong for me to express, this weekend during our meeting, that I feel like he just abandoned our M? I know bringing this up makes him then defensive, as it prompted a tirade of H saying 'i didn't just walk away...you pushed me out...you did xyz, you didn't try at all in our M, I did..., you always expressed your doubts, this and that...' and it was just verbal diarhea of blame he threw my way. It hurts, and it stung, b/c yes I know i did some hurtful things and I recognize that, I've apologized and changed many things about myself (for myself, but it's also in line with I know what he wanted).

Every time across this past year that I have said sorry for one thing or another, he took it as an opportunity to them press how he was justified in leaving. I AM SICK OF HIS EMOTIONAL ABUSE. Yes, god knows i did and said some quick hurtful things in our marriage (nothing egregious, just basic put-downs in moments of anger, and he threw them my way too). BUT i want to tell him - is this even worth it now, or will it do more harm? - that "H, you know how you say you felt when I put you down in our M, well you have done that AND THEN SOME to me across this past year" I've been nothing but a kind friend to him across this past year, let him borrow my car while he racked up tolls, did little favors, was kind and pleasant - while we were separated - and he just threw it all in my face. He things my efforts were too little too late. I've worked hard these past few months - just turning a corner - to get my self-esteem back up and strong and be hopeful for the future, and just feel so quashed again. I hate that he makes me feel this this...but then, is IT MY FAULT FOR EVEN GOING HERE as we have these conversations now? Do I just sign (obviosuly after reviewing w L) and cut my losses and move on. There is so much left unsaid. So I struggle w wanting to express my hurt to H, tell him what he's done to me and how he's made me feel across this past year, put my foot down, but whenever i do it backfires and he becomes nasty again. So how do I handle such situations?

Was it wrong to remind him that he left me without an iota of effort when I've done all this work this past year and he's been traveling, partying, leading this life?? In our apartment paying rent and bills...and in response he says: 'well you could have left, you didn't have to stay here'

It's like I prefer peace with him, but i'm also suppressing my emotions of all this stuff I want to get out. He did text me back late sunday saying "I'm sorry if I seemed inconsiderate during our conversation, this is hard for me too and I never meant to hurt you" So it was nice to have a feeling of peace w him, but still I'm so ANGRY and hurt and I want to GET IT OUT TO HIM. I want to let him know how much I'm hurting while i've db'd my ass off this year and didn't express much of that, I validated and did all the things i 'should have done', for the most part, db-style.

So hears the struggle, while when I speak my mind to him it does feel good, but then I end up feeling awful after as it often provokes a fight and tit-for-tat about you did this and you did that. And then I feel low again. I want peace w him yet I am angry. That's why I felt the need to hash this out, peacefully id possible, w a 3rd party counselor as we go through this stage, b/c it's so hard to take to one another. There are so many emotions still there. The reason i wanted to do Retro - even at this stage - was b/c I wanted to have some healthy communication w a man that's been part of my life for over 11 years...you don't just walk away like that.

Last night ALL i wanted to do was call him, talk to him...even though I am so hurt and so angry I feel like I am missing him - the old him - for than ever now..more than I have across these past 6 months of very little contact. I called my mom instead and she talked me out of it. But I wanted to call him so bad. What did I want to say? On one hand, I wanted him to come over and to hold me...and on the other hand, I wanted to tell him off. How messed up is that?? I feel such conflict of love and anger right now, so much emotion. (And I felt pretty indifferent to him, actually, across these past 4-6 months of no contact...now I feel like emotion, so strong, again).

I know these are probably normal waves that come and go. But how do you ride them out? I'm going to start IC again when I move to CA. But my question is, do I, and how, tell him how I feel? Is it all a moot point? There is still a shred of me that wants to DB, but I am also so hurt and so angry. He is not rational...some of the things he says, can he not see that they are just his perspective/lens and NOT the truth??

Can I write him a letter, an email, telling him - relatively toned-down, how I feel? I can't see him again till mid-Jan. If I have these feelings again like last night of wanting to see him so bad, can I act upon it and call him to talk, or do I just ignore/distract. What is healthy thing to do? I think I'm going to go punch a pillow after this email.

My heart aches and I keep welling up with tears. God I haven't felt like this since earlier days of our separation. He seems to have no heart or conscience right now and the awful thing is I've been left feeling here like I'm the one to blame again. Like the gaslight syndrome or whatever. My family and friends have helped me see good in me and the negativity in him lately, so why do I feel like it's all my fault again?

[pearlharbr]

hhh, I truly am sorry that you're going through all of this pain again. I think the reason is that you never detached and you DBd in hopes of getting H back. It doesn't work that way. You need to do it for yourself because you know it's in your best interest to become the best person you can be.

Yes, your H is spewing garbage at you when he continues to blame you for all the problems in your M. You know that's not true, you just need to remind yourself of that. It's water off a duck's back. Continue the thought stopping. Write out a list of all the mean/bad things he's done to you this past year. Keep it with you so when you start to doubt yourself you can read the list and see what life has really been like.

Do NOT tell him in any format how you're feeling. Yes, we all want to tell off our partners and try to talk some sense into them. It simply does not work. Anything you say will fall on deaf ears and you'll feel even worse that he either doesn't respond or turns it back on you again. Recognize that this is a cheeseless tunnel and stop doing the same thing expecting a different result. If you need to get it out of your system then write him a letter (not email) and then tear it up or burn it.

It's a tough time of year to be going through this but there are also lots of things to do to keep busy. Focus on the fun things and make yourself happy.

[hhh]

Thanks for the advice Pearl. I'll vent in my journal and unsent letters. But I do want to confront him about asking for tuition money back that I paid..at the same time it would be the more 'peaceful route' to just let it go, but I do think it should be rightfully returned. I just don't want to be made to feel like the bitch for askig him. (I'll read the tough love book, i promise! to help w these conversations)

I know I need to stop the analysis. I just found myself in my head saying 'gosh, why did i tell him xx back in june? maybe we would have had a chance if i just kept quiet' why did i say this or that or do that? and mad at myself that i wasn't able to hold back in certain situations and probably did more damage. thinking, maybe there would have been hope if i did not? but i don't have a guide.... i tried to do the best i could and sometimes i slipped up, but i never meant any malice. i truly did not. i know i'm not a bad person but now i feel like some of my tendencies and flaws hurt us royally. but i know he did a lot too. i've written my list and will keep looking at it.

I go home tonight and go to my acupuncture appt tomorrow. Acu and herbs have really been a lifesaver in keeping me calmer lately. Then we have a big Xmas eve party and lots of dinners and events planned. Being around close friends and fam will at least be a nice distraction. I am planning a spa day w a friend and going to get some fun new clothes. I will try to make the best of this season, even though it's so hard, and try to reign in 2010 on a positive note.

I just got off the phone w my boss and told him about SF move and tranfering to our office there. I got a little choked when I told him why (they've known i'm sure) but in some ways a relief to not be keeping it a secret so much anymore.