Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
Thank you SO MUCH for the list of things you did! great job!
fyi, be careful on the reatil therapy...it is just temporary relief, but it can help no doubt, just don't want it to become a habit because that can be bad too.
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hear everything he says as a slap in the face. I've been a good wife - I've been faithful - I take care of EVERYTHING here - he works and that's it. I'm ONE person doing everything. I am taken for granted. Thats my rant.
this is because you are in bitter land. I was a good wife, I was faithful, I took care of everything...my life was just like yours, (and that's why I couldn't see anything H did was good), but that's not why they married us, they M us for US, so start getting YOU back.
G said, what is at home that makes him want to be there. right now? nothing.
you are so down on yourself calling yourself the "lousy wife". (I know you were putting those words in his mouth, but your speaking them out of yours). Start BELIEVING you are a great wife, and start loving yourself and caring for yourself. and stop doing everything. FYI, just because you feel like your doing everything, doesn't mean H doesn't feel the same. He's never been in your shoes, and neither have you in his. you really need to pick up FOR WOMEN ONLY. A man has tremendous pressure as the provider, and even if they aren't the primary provider, they STILL put this pressure on themselves! Remember, even though you think H is purposely trying to hurt you (which I don't believe it is on purpose) you could be doing the exact same thing to him. We all have different perceptions, and that's what matters. what you do to him may cause him horrible hurt, but if he does it to you, you wouldn't care. and vice versa. so don't expect that it is only you who is hurting.
HURTING PEOPLE HURT OTHER PEOPLE
FYI, When we take care of ourselves, it will help release the bitterness, and that is what you need right now.
and seriously luv, do you really think him bringing the wine, talking to you, making you coffee, giving you a kiss, were all evil plans in his mind??
look, he's probably doing the same as you, thinking, oh she's probably going to be mad at me, and then what did you do...you validated it. I have a feeling he is pretty apprehensive of you, and for a guy to share his feelings (unless he's not the norm) that is really hard. BUT, you did really really good when you remained calm and validated, I'm really proud of you for that.
if you need to step away from him for a while, that is okay, you've got to get yourself emotionally ready to see the steps he is making to try to fix things.
everything G said is right, keep listening, and take the action you need to take to get on the right path.
Great input - I totally hear you ST.
Remember my H is not trying and is just going through the motions. He hasn't even implied that he wants things to be better.
I know what I need to do now. I just went through a horrible month of mourning my marriage ending and now I'm feeling a little numb. I want to love my H and I want more than anything to stay married but I cannot take his punishment anymore. The lack of affection and care for how I am feeling is making me dead inside. Maybe this is not what I want.
I dunno...the rollercoaster of feelings are making me sick and I wanna get off.
I read and re-read your prospective and I'm listening. I'm not going to be stubborn anymore.
Thank you ST.
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
Friday night was a disaster - he closes banks and works late but said he was probably gonna be early (8-9) usually close around 11pm. I called him and he never responded...son called and no response either. I text him "im worried now (since he said it'd be an early night) said, "i'm gonna call cathy to see if you left" (a coworker) he text back immediately..."im gonna hang with the group for a while." I got mad and said it's enough. He's been working late and hasn't been around at all. Plus he had to go to work on saturday too!
He came home at 1am - don't know where the heck he really was. I just don't know. He made some comments about our relationship and was very rude and mean. He had a big red mark on his neck - he said, "what?...it's not a hickey my shirt rubbed my neck cuz it was too tight." Whatever. It wasn't a hickey but it was definately irritated - only a fool could think otherwise. We argued for just a bit he threatened to leave - I said "do what you're gonna do" and we went to bed. We talked a little bit of "matter of fact stuff" we're such weirdos! lol cuz deep down we have mad love funny....yet NOT
Sat went to work didn't expect for him to show up until 10pm or so. He walked in at 1pm. I was still lounging - gonna take a nap cuz I was exhausted. I was like oh no he's home...but shocked he came so early. Remember I had plans to go to friends for dinner with kids - son says, "oh dad we're going to friends for dinner." H says, "oh that will be nice." Who said he was invited?
He's constantly on his blackberry (work stuff) and when were getting ready to leave I said, "you are not taking that - it's enough". I said, "are you at work or home?" He rolled his eyes and left it. We went to friends house.
He respects this friend of mine alot so I wondered if he would act like a jerk or not. He was drinking so he loosened up a bit. We all talked at the table. I had no idea she would do this but she brought our R up. She said, "I don't know what's really going on with you guys but you better work things through." She keeps talking about how she has looked up to us (our marriage) has always wanted a marriage like ours (her H left her for OW) but she is happy now.
Friend tells H, "I have you on a pedestal as a great H so don't disappoint me." We talked about relationships and what is expected of both people etc. H seemed to listen and didn't make a rude comments (I was waiting for them) He did imply that HER H was probably happy that he left. She denied that was the case.
Throughout the night she talked about her birthday and said, "you better mark it on the calendar." She tells us and H says, "oh WERE not gonna be here." He has been saying this whole time, "I'll be out of town...I am not gonna be here." So I thought it was funny that he said we.
Well Sunday morning he did say, "you know friend said some nice things last night." I said, "yes she did." We continued with our day of shopping and lunch with the kids. H didn't seem very close to me - kinda distant but whatever. We had a nice dinner and he mentioned he had a nice/relaxing dinner with me. I wrapped gifts when we got home while he watched. I said, "let's sleep naked"..we both hate to sleep naked lol. We went to bed and had some matter of fact sex (lol sorry) that's how I felt...but it was ok
Today he text me "I'm doing everything I can to get out of here early so we can go shopping." I said, "sounds great." He text back, "see if the kids wanna come." This may be his way of being nice - or it's just a have to cuz Christmas is Friday! I'll give him the benefit of the doubt this time.
I tried to condense the sitch as much as possible hope you can follow.
Luv
Last edited by luvless; 12/21/0910:22 PM.
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
gonna note some things from your post. so glad you came to update.
Originally Posted By: luvless
Friday night was a disaster - he closes banks and works late but said he was probably gonna be early (8-9) usually close around 11pm. I called him and he never responded...son called and no response either. I text him "im worried now (since he said it'd be an early night) said, "i'm gonna call cathy to see if you left" First, you just mentioned that your numb, so why are you calling and texting him? remember, DBing is usually doing things we are not use to doing. IMHO, don't keep texting or calling...you don't want to chase him, so unless there were plans he made with you to go somewhere, I wouldn't try to contact(a coworker) he text back immediately..."im gonna hang with the group for a while." I got mad and said it's enough. He's been working late and hasn't been around at all. Plus he had to go to work on saturday too! again, you've been saying you feel done, so why are you getting upset about this? well, I know, because you do still love him, and want things to work, so remember, stop chasing.
He came home at 1am - don't know where the heck he really was. I just don't know. He made some comments about our relationship and was very rude and mean. He had a big red mark on his neck - he said, "what?...it's not a hickey my shirt rubbed my neck cuz it was too tight." Whatever. It wasn't a hickey but it was definately irritated - only a fool could think otherwise. some of his actions on this night could indicate a OW, and there could not be, who knows, and IMHO, either way it doesn't matter. You still need to be doing the same things either way, especially if you want to save your M. and he was rude because you were mad about him not responding and getting mad at him. It is just a cycle, he's told you he's not happy at home, so I would assume that if everyone from work goes out, where would he rather go? is that the right thing to do, well, he should at least check in with you, but you guys aren't in a healthy R, so that's not expected...so he makes you upset by his actions, then you make him upset by your actions. It's just a big cycle. We argued for just a bit he threatened to leave - I said "do what you're gonna do" and we went to bed. We talked a little bit of "matter of fact stuff" we're such weirdos! lol cuz deep down we have mad love funny....yet NOT I was kinda confused by this last sentence...and your attitude seems to change here too, unless I'm misreading. did you guy ML???
Sat went to work didn't expect for him to show up until 10pm or so. He walked in at 1pm. again, did you guys ML the night before?!?! If so, that's great! I was still lounging - gonna take a nap cuz I was exhausted. I was like oh no he's home...but shocked he came so early. Remember I had plans to go to friends for dinner with kids - son says, "oh dad we're going to friends for dinner." H says, "oh that will be nice." Who said he was invited?
He's constantly on his blackberry (work stuff) and when were getting ready to leave I said, "you are not taking that - it's enough". I said, "are you at work or home?" He rolled his eyes and left it. guys HATE being told what to do, try to say it in a way that allows him to make the choice.. so he doesn't end up being bitter against you, but I'm really glad to hear he still left it! We went to friends house.
He respects this friend of mine alot so I wondered if he would act like a jerk or not. He was drinking so he loosened up a bit. We all talked at the table. I had no idea she would do this but she brought our R up. She said, "I don't know what's really going on with you guys but you better work things through." She keeps talking about how she has looked up to us (our marriage) has always wanted a marriage like ours (her H left her for OW) but she is happy now.
Friend tells H, "I have you on a pedestal as a great H so don't disappoint me." We talked about relationships and what is expected of both people etc. H seemed to listen and didn't make a rude comments (I was waiting for them) He did imply that HER H was probably happy that he left. She denied that was the case.wow. I'm so glad that someone outside has the courage to stand up and say something, and do it respectfully. so many people just hide. your friend is a good friend.
Throughout the night she talked about her birthday and said, "you better mark it on the calendar." She tells us and H says, "oh WERE not gonna be here." He has been saying this whole time, "I'll be out of town...I am not gonna be here." So I thought it was funny that he said we.
Well Sunday morning he did say, "you know friend said some nice things last night." THIS IS GOOD!!I said, "yes she did." We continued with our day of shopping and lunch with the kids. H didn't seem very close to me - kinda distant but whateverthat's okay, I have a feeling your distant too. We had a nice dinner and he mentioned he had a nice/relaxing dinner with me. I wrapped gifts when we got home while he watched. I said, "let's sleep naked"AWESOME!!! I love that you said that..we both hate to sleep naked lol. We went to bed and had some matter of fact sex (lol sorry) that's how I felt...but it was ok I'm glad that you did...but be careful, you don't want your H to think your just laying there as a ragdoll and not enjoying it or regretting it.
Today he text me "I'm doing everything I can to get out of here early so we can go shopping." I said, "sounds great." He text back, "see if the kids wanna come." This may be his way of being nice - or it's just a have to cuz Christmas is Friday! I'll give him the benefit of the doubt this time.of course it is! and you just try to have the most fun that you can! be happy!
now you mentioned that he isn't trying. for a man, just BEING THERE, is trying., sorry guys. he just might not be trying in the way that YOU want him to. He is trying in his own way. I learned this myself. My H kept telling me he tried, and I said, you haven't tried anything! that was the night we finally sat down and talked and I told him if he wants a D, then fine if that's what you want, then we need to go to counseling. I totally believed he hadn't tried anything, but after DBing and really reflecting on what I had done, I realized that he had tried in his own way.
AND, I remember myself being the WAS (b4 we got M) and I remember I felt that I had tried...but you see, I never tried in the way HE needed me to. I just kept doing the same things, kept chasing the cheeseless tunnels. And now that I have changed, and what the results of my changing have brought in my H...boy, how silly I have been for 8 years..what a long waste of time that I could have had THIS man 8 years ago!!
does this all make sense? your H IS trying...I promise. if he wasn't, he wouldn't be living there let alone SHOPPING with you!! girl, you have such great hope to have such a wonderful M...please don't give up!! or I'll have to come over to your house and knock some sense into ya. lol
Me 33 H 34 S9 S3 M 6 yrs (2gether 11 yrs) EA/PA 1/2006 DB 5/2006 H wants D 6/2006 H wants ME 8/2006 H "said" PA/EA over 8/2006 H erased OW off phone! 2/2007
"It is far better 2 choose humility & change oneself, than 2 wait in vain trying 2 chang someone else."
That Friday night - no we did not ML. I was stating we had "mad love" for each other jokingly. I know calling him and texting him was a no no..I get that. Sometimes this gets a little much for me. I know better too.
I know guys hate being told what to do..I know this but I wanted to stress to him how annoying his blackberry has been getting.
My friend did stand up and say something and I do believe some things sank in...for both of us.
He did say to me last night - "I'm trying." I feel so far from him. I look at him and wonder who he is. No affection or I love yous...weird for me. It makes me want to disconnect - so in this case - me being here - I guess I am trying too!
Keep on me ST - I really like what you have to say. Thank u so much!
Luv
M44 H41 M20 T23 3 older teens Bomb Nov 09 "i'm not happy" EA Nov 09 w/coworker Another PA in Mar 10 I Filed Apr 10 D final Dec 10
luvless: He did say to me last night - "I'm trying." Your answer to that should have been: "How can I help you so that you don't feel your effort is being wasted?"
And yeah, Luv, I know you're trying. That's why I'm still here.
funny....yet NOT