One day at a time....

[pearlharbr]

Rocked, just back from the ski weekend and trying to catch up with everyone.

I'm so sorry you had that bump in the road, wish I had been around for you.

Hope gave you some fantastic advice. I know that I have had and continue to have bouts of anger and more often than not BF bears the brunt of it. The fact that we have read and worked through the exercises in After the Affair and also read Not Just Friends has made a tremendous difference. BF understands where my anger is coming from and he fully realizes that I do not take him at his word. He knows that he has to prove through his actions over time that he deserves to be trusted again. Have you read either of these books? Would your H be willing to read them?

Another question: do you have a transparency plan in place? Sorry, I haven't followed your whole thread so I'm not sure what all happened before you came over to Piecing. A specific plan is very helpful so you feel like you have the means to verify H's whereabouts and he understands that he is expected to be an open book.

I remember early in our piecing days I called BF and he didn't answer his cell phone when I knew he was supposed to be at his apartment. I immediately got in my car and started to drive over there to see if OW was there. He called me back while I was driving and said he didn't hear his phone and just saw that I'd called. I told him I couldn't talk and I was call back in a while. I continued to his apt and knocked on the door. He looked confused but let me in. I told him what I was thinking and that I had to come over and see for myself that OW wasn't there. He understood and reassured me that he would make every effort to answer whenever I called.

I'm going to give you my two cents on your interaction in hopes that it may help you deal with the next one.

We didn't discuss any plans for the evening or anything, and I am still aware of DBing and not doing too much pursuing. I waited til about 2:00 and sent H a text asking how his day was going. I got a reply "good". No, "how was yours?" nothing else.

You already know that this was pursuing. Plus you let his response determine your mood because of expectations. I do that too but it's much easier to remember that just because he's being pissy doesn't mean it's about you.

Nothing else all day, so made a nice supper assuming H would be home, as he has been since A ended.

Back to the transparency plan. Have you discussed sharing schedules? Or let him know that you need to be informed if his plans change? BF calls me every evening from his office so I can see on caller ID that's where he is, telling me before he heads home or if he needs to work late. If he stays he calls me again so I can account for all of his time.

Just before 6:00 I get a call from the police ...the officer stated the complaint was made seeing his car on a particular street that I had wondered was a street OW lived on, but was never able to verify it.... it triggered my fears.

Of course it did. That's totally natural.

So, when I called H my voice was shakey, I was upset.
[snip]
Then there was a conversation about how a few months ago, in my investigating I googled OW's name and came up with that address for someone with the same first initial and same last name. H proceeds to puruse asking me why I would do that, what would I have done with that information, I could have gotten arrested etc.
I then have enough, call him a few choice names and hang up.

I don't know how others feel about this once you hit piecing, but I have never told BF how I gathered my info. He just knows that I have read the emails and know about his phone activity. If he ever asked me how I know I would simply tell him that's not important and not the question at hand. Also, it never helps to escalate the situation. As much as it sucks, you need to be the mature person and handle things calmly.

[quote=rockedworld]
Finally I text that I feel he owes me an apology. I get a call that escalates again. The final point H makes is that for the past couple of weeks he has been giving me every reason to trust him, so why couldn't I trust him about this? I tell him this has only been a few weeks and it is not reasonable to expect that my trust is fully restored. This makes him very mad and we hang up mad again. quote]
Again, more pursuing. Take your time and don't respond out of emotion. If you need to get it out of your system write down what you want to say. That way you can reread, edit and then decide if you really want to say that or just tear it upas a release.

As Hope touched on, of course it's too soon to trust him again. He needs to understand that. I highly recommend asking him to read one or both of the above books or discussing this with his IC. He needs to know that it's going to take months or years to earn back the trust he violated.

You know that this is just the first bump, there will be lots of others. Right now take the time to figure out how to deal with them. It's good that you had a healthy conversation yesterday, just keep working on that.

Sorry this is such a novel! I go away for two days and so much happens!