Looking for Advice

[gutwrenching]

Oh and I found out what the affection was for...she suspected I knew something and was trying to get me to talk.

OMG, I feel I may have screwed up. I couldn't take it, but should have waited till after christmas.

And now what, how do we build a relationship if she is only staying because she feels trapped afraid I will call OM's wife or OM's boss that would end his promising career.

She claims they had no plans to run off together, in fact, he's pretty happy with his marriage and family, it was supposedly one of those real good friends that grew into more because my W was needy at the time because she was so pissed at me (and now even more pissed than then) and she reached out to him and he reciprocated.

She claims some of the time the talk and text is I love you stuff, but often just mundane.

I don't want to lose my wife and my family. What do I do now?

[Greek]

Gutw'ing....
Wanna stop this EA nonsense? Notify the OM's W. Do you know how EXPENSIVE this will be for HIM? Your W is probably planning to combine lifestyles with his. But if his is SUBDIVIDED with a W and 3 children - for real - not her fantasy version - he's going to STOP IN HIS TRACKS and dial way back on this little dream world he has let her live in.

Let her know up front that if she does not stop contact with him NOW, this will be your next step. Then watch the fireworks.
Greek

[Deep]

Sorry you are here GW, but welcome. You've got Greek pitching in here and her advice is invaluable - if Coach pops by, you'll be very lucky too. Puppy seems to be absent for a few days, might be taking a break - go search his previous posts, there is a goldmine of advice there.

For now, basic things first. Calm down. You and your emotions are all over the place. Accept that that's going to take time, same with taking steps to move forward. So, give yourself time.

Take a good look at yourself. The entire relationship dynamic is revolving around your W now. You're allowing yourself to be controlled and dictated by circumstances and W. Start taking ownership for yourself and what you can control, and getting the rigth attitude towards what is outside that sphere.

Have you read DR and DB? You're going to hear these terms often - Detach, GAL, PMA, Boundaries. Coach has started great threads on Detachment and Boundaries - go read them.

In a nutshell, you start off with detachment. Respect yourself and project that. Your W is not going to view you with any positivity unless and until you do so. Ask yourself if you are going to continue to be a clingy, whinging H craving for contact and affection from W, or if (perhaps) you're going to be the GW who loves his W and kids, wants his marriage, is prepared to work at it, is an attractive man who respects himself, and will defend his core values no matter what.

That goes hand in hand with boundaries, which is a very personal thing. Have quiet time and work out exactly what you will and will not live with in your M, and decide what you will do if your partner violates that. Communicate that calmly, lovingly, and clearly to W. I would suggest that you include boundaries around OM as a priority. Your W is a different person (alien) in a love chemical induced fog and you gotta get her off that before you can even think of making any progress.

NOTE: you might want to gather enoughhard evidence of the A before you have this discussion with the W. Here is where advice from Puppy in other thread is so valuable.

Then detach. Work on yourself. Be strong, confident, compassionate. Be the better option. And let W work through the choices she will have to make.

Lots of details to be filled in by the vets here later I'm sure. I'm kinda "filling in" a bit for now. I feel your pain, confusion, I really do, many of us here would. If it makes you feel better, I was much more in a mess than you seem to be now at the beginning and I did not find DB or this forum till way after. You're going to find support here, come back for that and advice.
Cheers.

P.S. Believe NONE of what she says and part of what she does for now. Cheaters lie, never forget that.

[Greek]

She's not telling the truth and neither is he. He wanted the attention and she she wants a soft landing getting out. You no longer believe what she SAYS ---- only buy stock in her actions.

Did you put down a boundary with her - to stop all contact?
Greek

[12bar]

Breathe....

Ok, when I confronted my W, the next morning, she said that she didn't see anyway to fix this now, as if the fact that it was now out in the open somehow changed how she felt about our M. The fact is that being confronted is uncomfortable and you are bursting her bubble by doing so. Affairs thrive in secrecy so many WAS become angry when confronted because you are upsetting the balance of things.

Don't threaten to ruin their careers, this is controlling and won't work. As Greek said, if she is going to continue in the A, you will not be able to tolerate her living in the marital home. You are not controlling her, you can't make her stop having the A. You are allowing her to make a choice

[DDogs]

She claims they had no plans to run off together, in fact, he's pretty happy with his marriage and family, it was supposedly one of those real good friends that grew into more because my W was needy at the time because she was so pissed at me (and now even more pissed than then) and she reached out to him and he reciprocated.

She claims some of the time the talk and text is I love you stuff, but often just mundane.

A good piece of advice I read on this board from the seasoned vets is "don't believe anything they say, and less than 50% of what they do.

Regardless of the fact that it's just mundane, it's still an EA.

of course she's pissed, she got caught... I remember when I confronted my W with her evidence of her A... Ballistic comes to mind..

[Deep]

thanks for the 2 replys so far. I am fighting back tears, this is so painful. I had made up my mind to confront this weekend, but just couldn't because of the physical affection I have been receiving that I have been longing for.
Another thing I forgot to mention is the pattern. The OM is married with 3 kids. On weekends, their communication is much, much less (but still a little there). Every weekend my W and I make progress only to lose ground during the week as the W and OM communicate

Dude, I would seriously advise you to stop this attitude immediately. Man up. She is your WIFE. She's giving herself to another man and throwing you scraps and you are gratefully licking them up and rolling over to be scratched.

Does that sound like something any woman would want to be secure with, married to?

Same with offering not to expose and not ruining her career and OM's career. They're adults. They can deal with the consequences of what they're doing. Stop throwing your body on the tracks - it ain't gonna stop the A train and you'll be crushed.

[Greek]

An EA to a woman is HUGE! The E stands for Emotional and that is an important key to a woman. Heard some local DJs talking one morning recently about T.Woods and his bad golf swing. They took an on the air poll from women - would they rather their man have a one nighter or a Relationship. Hands down...one night stand! Multiple one night stands but good God in Heaven - NOT a RELATIONSHIP. B/c that's where the Emotions get tied up!

EAs MATTER!
Greek

[gutwrenching]

Ok - lots of great words.
Question: I didn't threaten to ruin his/her career. I said I didn't know what I would do if she didn't stop and divorced me. Should be a woos and say ok, I won't hurt anyone, I won't contact OM's Wife, I won't ruin any careers, just come back?!?! I don't think that would work.
What am I missing?

[Greek]

No!No!No! You tell her "Stop with the EA - that means no more contact. If you will not, this is what I'll do ~ I will let his W know so she can decide if she can live with this or not. And you will find another place to live b/c this is not an open marriage."

Then she will say - A>ok, I'll stop and be transparent OR B>no, I won't cut contact. If she says A...find a marriage counselor to start the healing and repair. If she says B...interview lawyers b/c your W is unfaithful.

Greek