I have been softening over the last few days. I never thought I would be in the position I am in. I never thought I would even consider reconcilling when there were multiple A. Who is this person? Am I thinking straight?
As of now my current train of thought leaves me with: I do want to move forward with H as a part of my life and work on making our relationshop better than ever. Can I do it? Can H do it? Can we do it together? I am hesitant to tell H that I want us to work on our M as I wonder if I will feel the same way tomorrow or the next day. Overall, he seems to want to stay together. I know that if we do move forward together, that at any point either one of us might decide its not working.
I am still highly emotional as to be expected. I love H. I hate H. I am angry. I am sad. I want pay back for the hurt H has caused.
Today, I looked at the emails H had sent to OW#1 back in 2007-2008. I did not pay much attention to the dates until now and it kills me that it happened when I was pregnant with DD#2, working fulltime and DD#1 was only 1 yrs old. Why did I have to look again and torture myself? Do the details really matter in the overall scheme of it? And then I wonder, where there more than 2 OW? I know I can't think that way as it will make me go crazy. I have to accept there were only two incidences and move on.
And I hate the fact, H might run into OW at work. I asked him what he would say to her if it happened. He said “not much, probably 'hi'”. I told him if she tries to strike up a conversation he should respond “it is inappropriate for us to talk as I am fully committed to my family.” He said overall he usually does not need to go over to that area where she works. He worked there on Sat and it was so hard for me. I guess this is where I have to learn to detach.
Last night, H and I took the kids to the xmas train and light display. I had prepurchased tixs back in November. It is a strange feeling to go out as a “family”. It was hard but at the same time strangely comforting.
So far, I am still sticking with the plans for Christmas day: We will all be together in morning for present opening. H will have girls early afternoon. And then I will take them over to my parents for dinner.
I feel like I am starting to get into a funk. It does not help that this cold is kicking the crap out of me.
So for this week I will:
1.finish the xmas shopping alone (H will look after kids one night) – try to make it relaxing as possible with eggnog latte in one hand and maybe get myself something nice too. 2.Do some more xmas baking – making eggnong cheesecake and xmas cupcakes 3.Try to do one more big xmas activity with kids – festival of lights or heritage xmas 4.Work on PMA and remind myself of all the good things that are in my life 5.Make an appointment for IC.
