Separated, new baby, but still hopeful

[newmama]

any suggestions for what I could do after dinner in the evenings so that I am not acting like a bit@h but can be "less available?"

[newmama]

I just checked out the 180 list and saw a few I need to work on now...
like not initiating conversation, don't talk about myself, and look him in the eyes when he is talking/don't interrupt.

I am a talker though and love to talk about our son with him!
this will be tough but I will do it today (there is no try, only do!)

[ravenly1974]

Would you consider eating dinner without him and not letting him eat the food? Instead, mention what you had so he knows you are still cooking the new exotic dishes. I would do this for a full 180 when you are ready for plan B. My only other suggestions for the 180 are let him get the tiniest glimpse of you looking all hot and sexy, but then leave and go dark, making him wonder where you are and miss you (and the cooking!). I bet that house is cold and lonely, even with baby, without you in it. If you must be home, then arrange for a girlfriend to call you and hole yourself up in your bedroom and chat quietly - again, he should wonder who you are talking to.

It seems obvious he misses his old life with you, but I think that is called "cake eating" regardless - he still gets the OW while he has you at home available to feed him and give him a piece of that life. He hasn't had to give it up yet.

[sgctxok]

Would you consider eating dinner without him and not letting him eat the food? Instead, mention what you had so he knows you are still cooking the new exotic dishes. I would do this for a full 180 when you are ready for plan B. My only other suggestions for the 180 are let him get the tiniest glimpse of you looking all hot and sexy, but then leave and go dark, making him wonder where you are and miss you (and the cooking!). I bet that house is cold and lonely, even with baby, without you in it. If you must be home, then arrange for a girlfriend to call you and hole yourself up in your bedroom and chat quietly - again, he should wonder who you are talking to.

Exactly....except walk out the door with the food in hand. Let him smell it AND YOU.




Don't worry about cake eating. Once in a blue moon, let him eat cake. Just don't let him take the cake for granted.


Worrying about cake eating leads to conversations about boundaries. Talks about boundaries will not work.


Now....do not pre-plan and ASK him if he can babysit. Just tell him you'll be back in a couple of hours. And then do that. Whereveryo yuou go .....LAUGH. LAUGH YOUR ARSE OFF.

[sgctxok]

Sorry....my computer gets funky, and I can't scroll down to see what I'm typing so I can't correct typos.

[chatterbug]

any suggestions for what I could do after dinner in the evenings so that I am not acting like a bit@h but can be "less available?"

Any local colleges around ??? Perhaps take a class. Learn a new language? Wood Working ? Something completely different.

[Day by Day]

Worrying about cake eating leads to conversations about boundaries. Talks about boundaries will not work.

Now....do not pre-plan and ASK him if he can babysit. Just tell him you'll be back in a couple of hours. And then do that. Whereveryo yuou go .....LAUGH. LAUGH YOUR ARSE OFF.

So, don't discuss boundaries--just set them? Is this what you mean?

[newmama]

Thank you all! I think that I can definitely do:
1) hole myself up talking on the phone
2)tell him the night OF that I am going to be gone for a bit*
*but I can't do that every night because I really do need to work out on my elliptical since I can't do it during the day with LO!
3) take a class...am looking into belly dancing. I love to learn academic things but definitely get tons of professional development when I am working as a teacher. Besides, college courses cost a LOT more than recreational classes.

I am not sure about how to cook and then walk away--do you mean prepare the dinner but don't eat with him? I honestly can't see myself only cooking for me and not leaving anything for him.

[newmama]

Today's update: WH was here 12:15-5 and I was gone 12:30-3:30. I returned to unload groceries and then put away laundry. But I did talk to him about S (LO= little one) and he taked to me about my rheumatoid arthritis and something related to family. He said his mom would be in town next Sunday and he wanted to take S to see her. He said I could go too if I wanted. I mumbled sure, but I am thinking NO. I won't tell him until that day. I have seen his mom and grandma and sister recently so I don't need to see them again. Besides, they support me and will totaly get why I don't go!

Yes, I made sure to look good again, too!

[chatterbug]

Well cooking is a good Plan A.

Make the rule.

Who ever cooks makes for the both of you. So if he is making something he cooks extra and puts it in a tupperware container for you. You do the same for him.

Its a very good Plan A activity.

Part of
Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.
Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Its easy to do. It also lets him see what he will be missing when your done with the cake eating.