Hi - I know. He can't see it that way. I just feel so sick and ache right now, like it did 8-9 months ago. There is no purpose in pleading w him anymore. I just feel like I miss him and love him still so much. I felt like I'd detached with No Contact for the past several months, really honestly feeling good and happy 6 out of 7 days I would say. Now I'm falling back into the cycle of blaming myself again.

I called him a few hours ago and chatted that I didn't want to leave on bad terms before the holidays (while I know this had to happen it's pretty crappy of him to do this days before Xmas)...said I didn't think it was fair of him to blame me for everything when he walked out. Says I pushed him out and wounded his ego over the yrs, etc etc. He's happier without me, his family knew he was unhappy so didn't like me (it doesn't make sense...my mom never wrote him off just b/c I was unhappy!)

Why do I know feel so in love with him again? for the first hour yesterday he was nice and kind and civil. I miss my old H, the loving kind person he used to be...he also used to take a lot of crap from me, I know. But he's a totally different person now...he used to cry at a hurt bird on the street (literally) and seeing me cry didn't even phase him.

I know the $$ thing. At the very least I feel like he should give me the tuition money back. I don;t want rent or expenses back cuz I look at that as our married expenses. My fear in doing so it that it could get ugly, tit for tat, and I have more to lose if he got nasty. He wants me to simply sign papers (it's like a 3-page very simple document)...I know there's more to it than that.

I miss my old best friend. How do you guys cope when all you want to do is call that person and hear there voice? I wish he could come over and I could just be with him, even though I know it seems irrational. I felt this during Spring and then really didn't rest of this year as I was too busy and GAL and all, but now, I just miss his voice and his presence. But I can't call him can I? I miss his friendship but at the same time it's too hard. Maybe it's just better to keep the distance. I am planning my move to CA across the next couple of weeks.