Your W will probably ask you what you plan to tell the parents about the M. When she asks you, tell her that you will not bring the subject up, but that if the parents ask anything that you will not lie for her. She won't like that answer.....but she needs to be told that to see you are not going to be her puppet any longer. If she is going to walk-away or have an A, then you are not going to cover up for her....right? The sooner you start to show self-respect, confidence, and strength.....the sooner she will respect you.
Time to start making plans without her so that you will stop being so available to her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
It is so hard to take this trip alone, it will be the first time I will do it without my W. I know that I need to do this though, I have always been hesitant to go away without her and that is bad for both of us. My parents will of course ask why she didn't come and you are right, at this point, I won't lie. Just wondering if I should keep it to a generic me and W are having some problems without getting into the A thing. I have not told my family about it yet because I wanted to keep the road back to our M smooth and my parents would definitely hold what she has done against her for a long time.
I do think she is suprised that I am holding firm on going. I agree that it is time to start recapturing my self-respect. Maybe this will be a good start.
Years of smothering the other person in a R is not good.....IMO. It is hard b/c you have made that your "life" and it is so much a habit that you barely know how to get through the day anyother way. It is better to do it now, than have a D do it for you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The funny thing is, I think she liked me always being there around her up until a couple of years ago. Something changed in her as she grew older and I see now that she started feeling smothered by the fact that I didn't have other emotional outlets. For the majority of our R, she was the same way with me. I was her life and she was my life. After being here and reading up on relationships, I now know that this is VERY unhealthy and I am working to correct it. I hope that it doesn't come to D but my W does not seem to be working hard towards R right now.
I read your post as I was waiting for my therapist appt. and within minutes of starting our session today, she said the same thing about the smothering! You should start charging $150.00 an hour for your advice!
She is still not planning on taking the trip with me, I am absolutely surprised that she has not asked what reason I am going to give for why she is not with me. She ordered my parents a gift last night and told me that it won't make it in time for Christmas but to let them know it's coming.
I am starting to get a little paranoid that a bomb is going to drop after the holidays. She said something the other day about needing to change her direct deposits and my mind has been running wild wondering if she is going to stop depositing in our joint accounts.
We are set for our Christmas before I leave we both have gifts for each other and our dogs. She is planning on cooking something nice tonight too.
The fact that nothing is happening to move things in either direction is starting to take a toll on me. 2009 has been the worst year of my life, and with 2010 approaching, I really feel like this year has to improve. To that end, is there anything that I should do or say to communicate to her that we can't continue in limbo? I brought up MC after the confrontation and while she didn't say sure let's go, she also didn't say she wouldn't either. I have found a M friendly MC and may start attending solo in the new year. I was thinking something along the lines of letting her know that I am going to continue focusing on personal growth and that I am still open to her taking this journey together if she is willing to give 100% to it. I would tell her that I am planning on starting MC and she can join anytime she wants...her choice, no pressure.
Our communication about R stuff has always been terrible, she is a serious avoider and I have been Nice Guy who has been afraid of relationship conflict. Poor communication got us to this place and it just seems that improved communication is the only thing that is going to move this sitch forward.
So a quick straw poll, for a limboland dweller, is it better to GAL and continue to detach or is it better to try to open the lines of communication while still GAL and detaching? I know strict DB says no R talks but I am feeling that my W is really incapable of dealing with her personal issues in a straightforward way.
I also think I at least need to have a consult with a L to understand what I need to do to protect myself and what the D process looks like in my state. I guess it never hurts to educate oneself about this when in this situation. I have no new intel about OM since the confrontation and I am wondering if I should dig again to find out if they are still seeing each other.
Never mind about the talking part, I got my answer from another thread. The WAS will come around, if at all, on their own time line, not mine. I still do wonder if I should tell her I am starting MC and let her know she is welcome whenever she wants.
I am in a technical field and the primary part of my job is problem solving. Problem solving is hard wired into my nature so it is so hard to deal with something that I cant "fix"!
Just wanted to say Merry Christmas and best wishes to you and your family for the coming year. You have stayed on my thread even though I have been hard-headed and a slow learner and your support is much appreciated!
The support I have gotten from you and others on this forum has helped keep me upright through the toughest crisis of my life.
