went to a movie last nite solo. wife is going to a christmas party with gal from work right now. I said i'll be at a friends party later on. Wife said "make sure you go, don't just stay home and do nothing". Seems like she doesn't care what i do??? what do you guys make of that?
Is she still talking about leaving after the holidays?
How do you respond when in bed and she wants to cuddle? I was just remembering how high school boys would act when a girl would inform them that she thought of them like a "brother". Somehow.....that would pretty much cool his heels and make him mad. He had rather she not like him than think of him like that!
I am thinking that you need to do something to get her out of that brother/sister cr@p. Make sure you are not acting like her brother.......or worse....a GF! You see, since she is playing this number, I am not so sure the nicy/nice road is the way to go. She is just fine and dandy with that situation. Need to shake her up, don't you think?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
yeah...want to shake her up but scared to push her away. all the advice is to try to gain respect, be unavailable, GAL. It is hard. I'm trying to go out a bit. But she most of the time wants me included . Like i said, gym, church, movies, lunch or dinner out. today we went to church, lunch , then shopping for a bit. How do i get her to want more than this "friendship"?
i have not even tried anything relationship wise (no talk, seduction, kissing....etc.)I am trying to be less available, but she is aware of my schedule in that we live where we work (home office) work together (she manages my business) just the two of us.It seems she DOES like and enjoy my company but not like she and i both want ie husband /wife lovers. I keep thinking foolishly maybe this will change and she'll re ignite what she seemed to once have had passion wise. Am i naive or just hopeful??
yeah...want to shake her up but scared to push her away. all the advice is to try to gain respect, be unavailable, GAL. It is hard. I'm trying to go out a bit. But she most of the time wants me included . Like i said, gym, church, movies, lunch or dinner out. today we went to church, lunch , then shopping for a bit. How do i get her to want more than this "friendship"?
You answered your own question I think - "be unavailable, GAL."
Women want what they can't have - unavailable men. Be unavailable and she may come around. It is very hard, especially when you don't want to push her away. But you can either have a friendship or an M - choose which one and then work towards it.
Me 36, W 34 | D 8 | M 3.5y Sep 2Aug09 | Left 6Sep09 | OM in 10Oct09 | NC 17Nov09 | Gave up caring - Jan 2010
"Have integrity. Do what is right, not what is expedient." "Delay is the antidote for anger"
sandi, i'm trying Not to act like a brother or friend. But i am being told not to press for intimacy or R talk. So how do become the "husband", not the friend-brother.?
Rob, look I've already told you what you need to start doing but you keep saying that you're "afraid to push her away" and that is exactly the crap attitude that will keep you pigeon holed in your current situation for as long as you choose to live like that.
You're afraid to stand up to her.
She knows it. (yes you are, don't bother explaining it, it comes through with the majority of your posts)
FACT: It's not attractive.
Why would she be sexually attracted to you if you're not very masculine?
Here is a test for you and her and yes it will take some balls on your part to actually perform this and unfortunately I'm betting against you, you just don't have it in you and the sad thing is, if it hasn't happened already, you're going to come home one day at the wrong time and walk in on your wife getting pumped something fierce by another man because you weren't man enough to do the job yourself.
Sorry for the description but that's just how it is.
Tonight talk to her, not in a kind & sensitive & soprano voiced way, just tell her matter of fact:
"... Just because I'm a married man doesn't mean I don't have sexual desires anymore. You seem perfectly happy to exist like this and you don't mind that it frustrates me that I can't have sex with my wife so here is what I've decided. We will continue living together like this but we'll minimize alot of the current activities we share because I need to start focusing on me now. I'm done with the bull$hit of chasing you & asking you for sex, if you really don't want to have sex with me then I'll just assume that part of our lives is over. FYI I recently met a girl who is interested in me and I'm interested in her sexually and I'm going to pursue it (you can tell her this happened during one evening where you went out by yourself like I told you to go out, no more details that that). I'm not going to go insane and not live without sex, I'm a healthy man and I'm not living without it, life is too short for me to continue going through this with you. No more cuddling in bed, going to the gym together, eating out, shopping, etc. I'm going to start doing things that make me happy without including you in everyone of them. You're not my wife, you're more like a gay friend and it's unattractive to me. Next year we'll talk to a lawyer and start the process of separating."
30 seconds of dialog and that's it.
No more cuddling in bed, sleep on your side of the bed, start detaching from her, start going out regularly, stop including her in everything you're doing - it doesn't work!
My last question in this long winded post.... When are you going to do any of this?
sandi, i'm trying Not to act like a brother or friend. But i am being told not to press for intimacy or R talk. So how do become the "husband", not the friend-brother.?
Don't talk about the relationship ever from now on.
If she wants to talk about it, let her bring it up, from now on that's no longer your job.
Stop using the "intimacy" word, your wife is looking for a good "pounding" (yes graphic description), she's not looking for some slow, passionate lovin, she wants some good old fashioned physical sex and you aren't offering that - when are you going to open your eyes and see that?
I keep thinking foolishly maybe this will change and she'll re ignite what she seemed to once have had passion wise. Am i naive or just hopeful??
Rob, I have been waiting for this to happen too but I have decided that this is in fact hopeful. She will most likely not re-ignite this herself, you ignited the attraction the first time around and it will be your job to re-ignite it. Listen to what Rob and Sandi are telling you, they are telling how to do this. I am still struggling mightily with this so I know it is not easy.
