What can I do to save my marriage? Help

[robx]

- resume your activities
- supplicating her by doing everything at home, paying all the bills and buying lunches and gifts just communicates to her that you know you aren't good enough by yourself and have to add things like gifts to make you equal her value and she will disrespect you and treat you extremely poorly for that, trust me, it has been documented as a regular occurrence on these forums to the point where it may just be an involuntary response on her part
- agree with the divorce
- tell you spoke to your lawyer already, you'll get the process started in the new year
- you will fight for joint custody and you will get it, don't settle for anything less
- tell her that you have told your lawyer that she hit you, it's documented and she will keep her damn hands to herself, this isn't OK behavior, it doesn't matter if a man hits a woman or a woman hits a man, it's about respect & human dignity, if you don't do it to her, she isn't allowed to do it to you, why did you tolerate this?
- master bedroom.... you know what i'm going to say because i've told umpteen number of guys on this site the same thing.... She strayed, she wants to leave the marriage, she can sleep in another room, you're going to sleep in the master bedroom again

Remember this is all counter-intuitive, you thought that by being super nice and being extra attentive and buying gifts and doing more around the house you were going to win her back but it did the opposite, her instincts are only being validated by your wuss behavior. She wants a masculine partner who can stand up to her because if you can't stand up to her how would you ever be able to stand up for her? She gave you a clue about her encounter with the old bf, he made her "feel safe", that's because he doesn't kiss her ass so you can stop anytime soon and that means reclaiming your bedroom. Listen you're going to come up with a million excuses why you can't, and I'm really not going to give two $hits about any of those excuses and really neither is your wife. No excuses, no explanations, just take back your bedroom, when she kicked you out of the bedroom she knew she could control you and women can't respect men they can control, and they can't love them, what happens invariably is that they treat these wussy men horribly, they become mean, spiteful, cruel and pretty much an alien person to the woman you thought you married.
- your wife is free to leave, free to divorce you, free to see the other man, it's up to her but you have power in your choices as well.
- tell her YOU'VE DECIDED that you are taking back the bedroom and she can do whatever she wants
- since she doesn't mind seeing the OM tell her you're going to see what big deal about this was and see your ex girlfriend or maybe just start dating someone new

- You can't continue doing what you've been doing.

- You live scared of her and her reactions so that means she controls you and she can't respect you because of that - learn this, know it, burn it on your forehead so you can read it every time you look in a mirror.

Stop living scared, be a great person for yourself, reclaim your hobbies and working out, go out with friends, start "social interactions" (ie. dating, nothing serious), be a great parent and reclaim the life that your wife so callously threw away because she didn't value it anymore.

It can't just be about you working all the time, you have to start getting a real personal life aside from being a parent and a physician

And if she hits you again, you call the police, never mind this bull$hit about being a man and you can take her physical abuse, she wouldn't put up with it and she counts on you claiming on to that stereotype and not doing anything or believe that you are equal to her value, you are equal, never forget that.

[bluerain]

Rob gave you a great list... maybe print it out and read it often. Keep it someplace she wont find it.

I will however add to what rob said in the end- Do the men who abuse their wives respect them? Absolutely not. Standing up for yourself and keeping your kids from seeing it is the right thing to do... regardless of what her reaction is going to be.

[12bar]

I agree, I never tire of reading robx's posts. It is a constant reminder of the fact that we LBS need to reclaim our self respect before there will be any chance of improving our marital situations.

Tridoc, hope your weekend went well. BTW, have you read Divorce Remedy yet? If not, get it and read is ASAP. Other good reads:

1. Hold On To Your N.U.T.S
2. No More Mr. Nice Guy

[Ready2Change]

First, sorry you find yourself here with us. This is a great place for support. I can pass out compassion, but I assume you want results. I will give you my insight.

Reading your post, 90% of it is my story. So I will give you my input based on what DID NOT WORK FOR ME and what I have seen WORK FOR OTHERS HERE and insight from over 40 books.

Coach and Robx are very wise. I highly suggest you go back and slowly reread what they are suggesting with an open mind. The sooner you follow their recommendations, the more likely you will see positive results.

What works is counter intuitive to what you want to do.

My first mistake was moving out of the master bedroom to give my wife space. I strongly suggest to move back in immediately. No advance notice, no asking. When she brings it up, you will say:

"I have decided "that I prefer the master bedroom."

She can say whatever she wants, you just listen and
validate (3 to get you started):
"Yes, I can see why you would feel like that"
"I can understand why you would feel like that"
"It must be hard to feel like that"

[Ready2Change]

Let me clarify some of my thoughts on what Robx said: "Agree to the D"

I feel it is better to "NOT FEAR DIVORCE". The sooner you accept that it is a real possibility, the better. DO NOT LET FEAR CONTROL YOU.

What I have seen work:
When the WAS has been unfaithful and is unwilling to work on the M and the LBS does not tolerate that disrespectful behavior and files for D, the WAS is the one that has been rejected and starts pursuing. "I have decided that I will not live in an open marriage. I want all contact with OP cut off immediately. If contact continues I will file for D myself."

Here is another statement, but I feel it will not be as effective as the one above:
"I do not want D. I see many other options. But if that is the only way for you to be happy, I will not stand in your way."

[Ready2Change]

What you are doing with the kids is working. Do more of this. Be the best dad. It is PERFECTLY OK for you to have a different parenting style than your W. If she says anything, listen and then validate: "I am sorry you feel that way"

What is best for your kids is best for you. That statement makes all my decisions easy. DO THE RIGHT THING.

I strongly feel that what is best for the kids is to have frequent and equal contact with happy parents that treat each other with respect. You can only control 1/2 of the R with you W. Do the right thing by modeling good behavior. Standing up for what you believe (Dad and marriage), accepting things you can not control (IE your wife's selfish decisions and the possibility of D) and setting boundaries that gain you respect.

[Ready2Change]

Here are books I strongly recommend reading (listed in order specific for you, more are listed on the first post of my thread):

1) "Divorce Remedy" MWD
2) "Boundaries" Cloud
3) "The Art of Seduction" Greene
4) "The Four Agreements" Ruiz

I suggest reading them asap!

DR will get you your first set of tools to get the R heading in the right direction. The boundaries book will help you determined where your responsibilities end and tools to enforce them. The art of seduction will give you insights in the counter-intuitive ways of getting spouses attention and drawing her back. The four agreements is just a great way to live life. The other two Ruiz books in the set are also great reads.






Consensus is to keep this website and DR as YOUR tools and not share them with spouse.

[Ready2Change]

Here is a little on boundaries (responsibilities):

I am responsible for my emotions and W is responsible for hers.

It is OK for MsR2C to be angry. I will allow her to own her anger (her responsibility not mine) and deal with it. My responsibility is to understand she is angry and be compassionate and not fuel the fire.

[Sleepy]

First of all, thank you all for your advice. I know everyones situation is different but, in the past I have been the one in control. I just need to get my act back together. I will look into those books. I read Divorce Busting the other night. I have DR and will get on that next.

It’s only been a couple of months, and I think I am moving through the stages of this pretty fast. It looks like all guys do the same thing. It’s predictable. I’m getting to the point now where I don’t care what happens. I suppose that’s good. I’m a decent looking guy and some women have already heard about me and have shown their interest. However, I prefer to take the high road.

She is always checking my phone to see what I am doing and who I am calling or texting. What's that all about?? Why does she care?

Anyway, we went out of town this weekend for one of my daughters athletic events. It was fun for me because I was with the other dads and after the event we hung out at the hotel and watched the Cowboys game and drank a few beers. The women went Christmas shopping. It’s so cool when we are with other people because she can put on this act like there is nothing wrong. It makes me feel halfway normal. When they are gone she’s hateful again. Weird how she can turn it off and on so fast. I suppose that has been my entire marriage.

We had to drive 4 hrs each way to the event with the kids. I just stayed quiet and just talked when I found something interesting. We even laughed a little. When things started to get too chummy she tried to pick a fight. Told me I have no respect for her. I think she could find fault with Jesus Christ.

I diffused any arguments quickly and just stayed calm and easygoing. I made a few sarcastic quips that I later regretted. I just wanted to get along.

I think taking back the bedroom is a goal I need to do this week. I have given her space long enough. She is getting too used to it. She says she likes me out there. She also likes me paying all the bills too. Big whoop.

I was going to give her an awesome three diamond ring for Christmas with a nice letter do you think that would be the wrong thing to do? Wimp boy? I also bought her a set of German Knives...... Maybe that is the wrong thing too...LOL.

[Deep]

Hi, I was reading your sitch and just seeing Coach et al chime in - you're getting great advice. Those posts from Robx and R2C say so much; there are some here who would feel you might ease off a bit on seeing other people, that's a call you gotta make for yourself. Myself, I think if you refrain from intimacy and actually starting an R with a 3rd party while still married, well, all's fair in love and war.

As for W checking your phone etc, I have the T-shirt for that too . Nobody likes anybody else touching what is theirs - doormats included.

I'll keep the ring and the knives for another time and place if I were you haha.