The adventure chronicles

[patpat]

Yes... she was pretty sh##tty, but people can change...

We have all changed ourselves and continue to do so in an effort to become better poeple. We do this for ourselves.

AFW... has W made changes for herself that you approve of? Is you goal to reconcile still the same...?

If so, than I agree with oldtimer.... delete and compete!

Forgiveness/patience are the keys, hard work ahead is the action = reconcillation

[AFWAW]

Ok, she called to talk about my daughter and then we somehow got switched to the whole FB thing again. So I asked, if I take this woman off FB, will you cancel your appointment. She then asked what was taking me so long to make this decision. I said, once again, if I do this will you cancel your appointment and try to work on us. She said, I don't know. It's taken you so long to come to this point and you don't even act like you want me, so I don't know. I offered to delete the whole FB account and she said, if you do that, I'll know you're hiding something. So once again, all roads lead to her being in control. She was very angry and sounds like she doesn't trust me although, I've given her no reason for it.

[AFWAW]

Well, I did it. I deleted this other woman from FB. The ball is in her court now. I've taken the first step. I think she'll be too angry still to see past it but hey, it's like what's been said on here, what do I have to lose at this point?

[oldtimer]

Congrats!!

Now, how about a: "Sorry for being a bonehead. I do want to try to work things out with you, it just took be a bit of time to work up the courage to truly step on that path with you. But I'm here now."

[AFWAW]

So, I did what she asked and she says she's going to cancel her appointment tomorrow. She said, ok, what now? I said, you agreed to sign up for counseling and we could start dating. She said, oh, no, I'm not going to counseling. I said, hold on, I've done what you've asked, are you seriously refusing to hold up your end of the bargain? She then said, what if they tell me to stay gone? I said, if they say that, then that will be something you will have to decide. She said, ok. So we agreed to go out on a date Wednesday night. We'll see how that goes. I'm caustiously optimistic as a large part of me thinks she will still try to be controlling in every aspect. I don't know if she can have a good time with me and I don't know if I can have a good time with her. I guess we'll see.

[P17]

If nothing else, at least it's broken the stalemate. You're right though, I think she will still try to be controlling and I think you will need to try doubly hard to enforce your boundaries with her.

Good luck on Wednesday though!

[oldtimer]

Don't try to figure out the future. Make it a real first date. Can you imagine insisting on counseling, various commitments etc..., when you first started dating someone? Dating is to learn whether you want to take the next step. So, learn together, don't try to figure everything out ahead of time.

And, congrats on taking the strong step you did, I bet you feel better for it :-) You should. It demonstrated real strength to take that step for your own reasons even when your W was pushing you to do it. (A worthwhile lesson too -- it makes it hard for people to do what they want to do and should do when we push them to do it.... Those things are best done from freedom. When we coerce, we stifle the chances for people to act freely.)

[AFWAW]

Make it a real first date. Can you imagine insisting on counseling, various commitments etc..., when you first started dating someone? Dating is to learn whether you want to take the next step. So, learn together, don't try to figure everything out ahead of time.

I will do my best to do so. I am still very wary with my heart though. This woman trampled me pretty hard. If I had a girl friend who did this to me, I would cut her loose in a second. Her being with me for 16 years and being the mother of my child only gets her one more chance after all she's done. I am going into this with an open mind. We'll see what happens.

Thank you for your input. I do appreciate it.

[AFWAW]

So, we had our date last night. I dressed nice and went to pick her up. No sooner had we left her apartment did she start asking questions about the woman I deleted off FB. I said, really? Is this the way you want to start our date? Can't we just go out and have a good time? She stopped. So we went out to a nice place to eat dinner. The conversation was ok, mostly about how she wants to see my daughter more often and how she'd like to start taking her every other week? I said, I would have to think about that one(that's a lot of back and forth for my daughter, especially during the school year).

She complained a lot about work. She told me about going out to a club this past Thursday and how some guy asked her to dance and she descibed him as a middle-aged guy with a perm and a flannel shirt? What kind of club is she going to? She said, that's what I've been reduced to. (is she trying to tell me that I'm the best she can do?) I didn't respond. She also asked about what we were going to do on Christmas day. I said, what do you mean? She said, how are we going to work it? I said, work what? She said with our daughter? I said, what do you want? She said, well can I come and pick her up? I said, on Christmas? I offered to let her come over in the afternoon to dinner. She accepted and said that this would be the first year that she didn't get to see daughter on Christmas morning.

On the ride home, we had some light convesation and she all the sudden said, that she should have been there for me when I got back from Iraq and that she hated herself for what she did. I didn't say anything. I dropped her off at her apartment and that was that.

So, all in all, it wasn't a awful date but it seems like the only thing we have in common is that we are both in Air Force and have a daughter together. I didn't have a bad time. I guess I'm still pretty wary with regard to giving my heart back to this woman. Not to sound like a girl but as Chuck Woolery from the Love Connection used to say, I didn't feel a spark.

[AFWAW]

So, not much has happened since our date. She sent me a message today asking the following: Please take off your "interested in women." Makes it seem like you're looking for a GF, not like you're hetero. Thanks.

Ok, whatever, more controlling behavior? That's what I think. My response to which she did not respond was:
Did you sign up for counseling yet?

What a surprise!!!! I'm about at my wits end. She has even gone so far to suggest that my daughter can rotate between us week to week? That's not going to be happening! Any thoughts?