h is in mlc, now threatening divorce...

[lost1234]

Gnosis,

im kinda hurt today...Mass is today for h grandparents. h doesnt want me to go. 1st time in 12 years...blah

im sitting here thinking. when this ALL first started, he said he had to do this for us for our girls...

obviously all of this bs is something he does need to work himself through. i do get that...

i know i shouldnt be thinking, i do need to ask though...

is it at ALL possible he still means what he said in the beginning? could there be ANY truth behind it?

im still feeling on a high because of his reaction to me actually doing something, and i am going to continue on with our plan...

wont let him know that it still saddens me sometimes...i think thats only human tho!

the way im seeing it is he still has ALOT of feeling and emotions towards me, no matter how much he says he doesnt.

time and patience will show it even more...

[Gnosis]

Keep your chin up Lost.

I was on my way out the door when I saw your post. All I can say is try not to think of what is on his mind. Keep yourself busy.

((( Lost )))

[lost1234]

you know i will!

[Cadet]

Lost just read through your thread,

You are making progress on you, GAL. 180's. If your H is in MLC I hate to tell you this but it is not something that is going to get fixed in a fast manner. This is a very long process, he could be in MLC for 3-7 years. That would be after the bomb. I would suggest you read the resources in the MLC board. There is a link on page 6. Heart Blessing 6 stages of MLC is a start. Keep in mind that the time line is not exactly the way she describes it but the stages are correct, they just do not go in order 1,2,3,4,5,6. Depression is the key to MLC. I believe your H is depressed and you are not always going to get rationale responses to what you do or ask. You are learning that when you put pressure on him he tells you he wants a Divorce. That is why you have to stop doing anything that is close to putting pressure on him. The detach/NC is for you but it also stops putting pressure on him. The MLC'er is the one that decides to reconcile not you. Once he decides he want to R then you get to decide how the R will proceed or if it will proceed.

Your number one priority should be yourself and your children. Don't worry about him.
You can't control him only yourself.

Keep reading and working on your DB'ing.

[lost1234]

G,

a lot going on. just wanted to touch base.I am going to do the same list thru wednesday.

for thursday...CHRISTMAS...i plan on ENJOYING my favorite day of the year!!!!

family, friends and great food!

my computer is going to get worked on today. hopefully it will be home really QUICK.

just in case...i want to wish everyone the best of luck with the holiday...enjoy as best you can!

talk to you all soon!

old pilot,

thank you! so kindly for your response! i intend on reading your post asap!

[Gnosis]

Lost, I wish you a warm, wonderful, cozy and peaceful Christmas Eve and a fun filled, happy day tomorrow.

Enjoy yourself.

[lost1234]

Hi to everyone! hope your holidays were great!

g,

thanks for wishes...they were ok, did have a good time! i must confess, some things were said xmas eve. i need some input!

ill try to be brief, it got quite ugly.

my husband came in xmas eve morning claiming another 2 bedroom apt in our area was for rent.

i do not want to move, especially into an apartment. our girls are content where they are.

h feels we would be better off and i couldnt disagree more. they have enough on their plates. i will not stand ny and be a part of dishing them anymore.

Gnosis,

i lost it. literally. he had me so angry. if he chose to walk out the way he did, he doesnt get to make major life changing decisions.
his leaving was enough.

i KNOW i f@#ked up...
these are things he needs to know tho.

he doesnt get to tell me where to live
he doesnt get to tell me what i can and cant do
what to feed the kids
what to spend money on


SOOO many things that he truly believes he is in control of...

no. if he is not going to be a part of this family, it is up to me how i am to make it work out the best for myself and out daughters.

all he need to know if how much money he need to pay me and then just leave it up to me to do what need to be done.

Gnosis,

i LOVE this man with all of my heart, i have and continue to put in very hard dedicated work to saving what we have. i am sick of the indecisiveness and being told what to do...he left.....not me.
he made fun of my support groups..i could go on and on.

mlc sucks for all involved. depression and anger just add fuel to the fire and i am worn out. the man needs some help.


is there a way for me to recover from this?

for as much as he seems he wants to help and do whats right...he reached out a bit to family members...he keeps making things harder. if he were to put a bit of energy into the normal way of life, he would be amazed at how far it may take him...

if he cant handle simple reality, and get help for himself so he can be that GREAT dad and loving husband he was, i cant do it for him...aaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggggg

[lost1234]

need input!

[Gnosis]

Hi Lost and I'm glad you had a good time.

i do not want to move, especially into an apartment. our girls are content where they are.

What are the real reasons for the move? (besides feeling you'd be better off.. are they financial etc)

be a part of dishing them anymore.

Sorry, I don't understand what that means.

i lost it. literally. he had me so angry. if he chose to walk out the way he did, he doesnt get to make major life changing decisions.

That's fair enough.

i KNOW i f@#ked up...

That's debatable.

these are things he needs to know tho.
he doesnt get to tell me where to live. he doesnt get to tell me what i can and cant do. what to feed the kids.

I agree with ALL of the above. He needs to know those things and you told him. Whether they registered in his mind or not depends on the kind of man he is. Some people only get the message when its said in anger, others switch off when that happens.

These are YOUR boundaries. Stick to them. No one here said you don't have any rights and that you must be a doormat.

what to spend money on

This is an open-ended statement. It could mean a thousand things so I'll hold off on commenting on it.

if he is not going to be a part of this family, it is up to me how i am to make it work out the best for myself and out daughters.

The keywords here are YOU and YOUR daughters. Your welfare, well-being and health. These are important. This is why GAL is important... to do things for yourself.

You cannot change him, you cannot change the way he thinks. What you can do is avoid triggering his resentment. Instead, find things you like and point them out sincerely. By changing your behavior and avoiding his triggers you are taking away his excuses to leave. Without those it forces him to think logically about if he is doing the right thing. That is all you can do.

all he need to know if how much money he need to pay me and then just leave it up to me to do what need to be done.

Careful here Lost. I know you're venting and you have a right to do that. Leave your venting here on the board. Never communicate something like that to him because he will think you're only want him because of the money. AND this will give him more excuses for his behavior.

i LOVE this man with all of my heart, i have and continue to put in very hard dedicated work to saving what we have.

I BELIEVE YOU.

i am sick of the indecisiveness and being told what to do...he left.....not me.

There is nothing you can do about the indecision. There IS something you can do about his attempts at controlling you. Start setting clear, ENFORCEABLE, BOUNDARIES. Read this thread about setting boundaries. Ensure that you enforce your boundaries with consequences.

he made fun of my support groups..i could go on and on.

That was mean and nasty. I'm sorry to hear this Lost. Don't share these confidences with him until he can truly appreciate the effort you are putting into this. Right now he doesn't want to hear it. It could be because of his own guilt. And in its own way is perceived as pressure on him.

is there a way for me to recover from this?

The amazing thing about us human beings is our remarkable strength to endure and recover. What you don't want to hear are the two dreaded words each of us hate: TIME and PATIENCE.

for as much as he seems he wants to help and do whats right...he reached out a bit to family members...he keeps making things harder. if he were to put a bit of energy into the normal way of life, he would be amazed at how far it may take him...

Yes, that would be the logical thing to do. Unfortunately, emotion short circuits it.

if he cant handle simple reality, and get help for himself so he can be that GREAT dad and loving husband he was, i cant do it for him...aaaaaaarrrrrrrrgggggggg

The words in bold are the truth. To know them is one thing, to live them and believe them are the most difficult things to do.

I wish I could wave a wand and make everything better... I think everyone here does. All we can do is support and help one another. Throw lumber around and grin and bear our own situations.

Keep your chin up and be strong.

[lost1234]

G,

i believe the moving thing to honestly be about control.it would not help or hinder financially. we may owe a little less in rent but then gain a water and sewage bill...it would work out to be about the same...

i dont want to up and move the girls without good reason. i dont want to make anything harder on them than it already is. if there were good reason/motivation to do it, i would. he just hasnt been able to show me any yet.

the spending money ...

he thinks divorce would solve all of the problems. i disagree, i feel it would only create more...

he says he is going to domestics so i will be awarded child and spousal support. ok what i meant is that if he does that, he need not worry about how i spend it. i would be responsible for our well being...i would take care of it.

I have never been one to spend carelessly. even at our lowest financially i pinched to the point that we made it through. really gets to me that he would even be consider i would do something out of the normal for me...